When One Door Closes...

A couple of quotes have been running through my mind this week –

“When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window” – Maria, Sound of Music
“…If one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window. If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.” – Rascal Flatts

Doors are closing this week, and I am not sure where I will find an open window. Smiles and joy have been harder to come by as the emotions rage in tsunami style and I am working on trying to not get swept away and drowned.

Changes are never easy, in fact they can often be very difficult. Finding answers to those changes can also be just as difficult. I esp struggle with change, and I am trying hard to lean on answers given in a recent blessing that I received. I am hoping that in trying to follow those words, that sometime in the future I will find lots of open windows…..

After endless sleepless nights, weeks of thought, lots of tears, and lots of prayers, I have decided to hang up my camera professionally, and go back to being “just a mom with a camera”. Though I will have the website still up and running, at least for now, I will going back to focusing any posts to the photo blog. I will be re-focusing my photography on my family, and leave the business world to others.

A few things have led me to this decision. First is that I don’t like competing for work and friendship. Second is that I have come to realize that my work just isn’t good enough to be trying to compete and losing those friendships. Third, financially, our family just cannot manage the extra strain anymore.

In the last few months I lost several big shoots. Ones that I had my heart set on, that I had been so honored to be asked to do; only to be devastated when I received phone calls or emails to be told that someone else had been asked to do them instead. I became even more disheartened when I continued to see posts from friends who had also asked that same someone to do their picts. Friends who had come to me in the past, and who I thought were in the process of setting up to do shoots soon. I found myself feeling very jealous, angry, and hurt. I really don’t like the way it has made me feel, it has been very unprofessional and unkind. I guess I am just too emotional of a person to exist in the business world.

I never went looking for a career in photography, it found me. My personal purposes have been to pursue photography to share gifts and talents with others, to serve and to teach, and to share the gospel sometimes. I have gained a better appreciation and love of all of God’s creations, and never hoped for more than to bring joy to others. I have put all of myself into my work, hoping those experiences were as important to others as they were to me, that building relationships was part of it. I was giving everything personal to do my very best for others, but it seems that my work has only been special to me, and to others it has not been more than a non-personal business transaction. I recently had someone tell me that I should be tougher, that it shouldn’t matter what others think or do. But when I know that my work is such a big part of me, that it is me, when that is rejected, it is also me being rejected, and no matter what I do to try to be “tough”, it just hurts too much. If my work is not important or special to others, to me, it is saying those same things about myself too.

I have a dear, sweet husband who never tires of supporting my hare-brained ideas to pursue the business world to try to “be a support to our family too” – except my ideas usually end up costing our family more than is gained. I guess there is something to be said that this pursuit lasted longer than the previous ones…
In trying to undo the financial strain, I have officially resigned from the small business association I was part of. I have found that even though I have made wonderful contacts, and gained new friends, I have not seen my business grow as I had hoped. I have continued to watch the little bit of profit I have earned, plus family budget be turned right around to meet the requirements to be in the group. Though I have loved every minute of the time spent doing shoots for people in the group, I found that for my specific field, outside business was not happening at all. I have learned so many new skills, have met so many wonderful people, and feel that I was truly an equal to anyone in the group. I wouldn’t trade those things for anything. I hope that there will be an open window somewhere that will allow those relationships to continue….financially, however, it is time to close this door.
Photography is not an inexpensive endeavor. By closing this door, it will hopefully also alleviate any more strain on our struggling budget by not having to worry about keeping up portfolios or websites, or photo anything trying to keep myself in business circles.

I had this all written out before, words finally worked for once, but then one wrong key wiped it all away. This whole post, to me, just sounds so not the way I had hoped. I guess I just chalk this up to one more experience I have not been able to conquer. One more thing that I have given lots to, but have not been smart enough, or talented enough, or non-emotional enough to succeed at. I have told a few people lately that my only good talent is to support and appreciate others’ gifts and talents, maybe this is one final loss will get that in my head for good. I am only any good in a supportive role, only as a helper, only in the background, and that others will only ever need me to stay in that role. I should be able to be ok with that, maybe someday I will be. For now, doors are closing that will stay closed. I will fade once again into the background, and no one will even miss me.