Darkness & Light

I often browse, or dont even look at FB for long chunks of time. I was perusing it to find a couple of quotes posted today.... "We have a choice. We can seek for the bad in others. Or we can make peace and work to extend to others the understanding, fairness, and forgiveness we so desperately desire for ourselves. It is our choice; for whatever we seek, that we will certainly find." - Dieter F. Uchtdorf

The above quote reminds me of another from a long ago president of the U.S. "If you look for the bad in others, you shall surely find it." - Abraham Lincoln

"Don't start your day with a negative attitude. It's hard to understand why so many people wake up each morning feeling defeated when each day holds so much potential. The possibilities that today offers are endless, so eagerly anticipate wonderful happenings. It's easy to let blessings go by unnoticed if you're not looking" - A.H. (This adorable, wonderful young lady is wise beyond her years)

I have been thinking non-stop about a sister in our ward who I wish I could learn at her side every minute of every day. She bore her testimony on Sunday about the above topic. Her specific comments were "When I finally decided to get down off my broomstick, I said to my husband that you must hate me. He replied "I decided long ago that I would never think badly of you." Which resulted in an "aahhh" from the audience and this sister as she continued to bear her testimony. He had captured the ephiphany of the above statements.

Another sister spoke about light. That even the tiniest light will draw others to it and dispell the darkness. She has long ago learned and daily teaches the above quotes in everything she is and does.

I feel like lately my broomstick is a permanent fixture to my mind/heart and body. Every day my actions and my mouth seem to never say or do what I intend. I feel like I am in battle mode with everyone around me, and esp immediate family. In recent months I have gone from, finally, being in good graces with others, and maybe with Heavenly Father, to alienating myself so far into outer darkness that there will never be any way to get back, ever. I have been feeling that the darkness is so thick and dense that if there is light, I cant find it or feel it. Understanding, fairness and forgiveness will never be attained, and is far from being deserved. Every day is shrouded in heavy clouds, and is chained to the mistakes and complete failure of the past.

I see myself as Jacob Marley, forever chained, forever condemned. I see myself kneeling before the Savior, not ever worthy to look into His face, not able to face the sadness and disappointment in His eyes, or the only fair justice of being sent away. Always to live with the failures and the "could have been's." Knowing that with each passing day I only condemn myself further, and separate myself from everything and everyone that is hoped to achieve or attain when this mortal existence no longer surrounds us.

Quiet comments made behind me in RS, but just close enough to hear, confirmed my feelings of no worth, and of being sentenced with severe judgement. I obviously failed at trying to make a supportive comment about those of us who struggle daily with little people at home still. Those comments hurt deeply, and confirmed to me that if I had no voice or was not there at all, that it would probably be much better. That if I never said another word, it would be in my, and everyone else's best interest. That I would not be missed if I wasnt there. I am not listened to because nothing I ever say has any worth. I am not loved or respected because my foolish actions never cease to condemn me. I am already judged a failure, I am not making progress in any area at all. Darkness exists in every waking moment, and never ends through long nights of with no rest or sleep. I cannot ask for help, because there is no one that I haven't hurt. I have not earned, or deserve kindness, compassion, forgiveness, friendship or love.

I keep trying to see the seaside garden. I cant reach it. It exists in a haze, it is far away, and I am alone. The white dragon is there, but I cant reach Him. Then I see myself sobbing in His arms, his giant claws hold and encircle me gently. The black dragon screams and flames, it is so loud. I see myself carried away in a net of flaxen cords held by ebony claws of steel. How can I be in two places at once? I look again, seeing myself becoming a small spec in the sky. The garden is empty, the walls are crumbling, the gate is broken on its hinges. My eyes are open. Do you hear what I see?