"Take a MOMENT every day and claim it as your own. It can be a moment of rest, of peace, of comfort, of joy, of just noticing something endearing. Use your senses (physical touch can be esp helpful) to re-connect emotion to the beauty around you. One small moment can make all the difference in the world."
Here you will find my special moments, and hopefully they will be here to help me remember one moment amid all of life's storms. I hope the kids' will someday also enjoy looking back on these special moments.
12/29/09 - A Garden Fortress
*Things have been really hard this last couple of months. Many things that I have been holding onto and that I have been afraid of, or afraid to share with anyone. At my most recent massage appt I again saw my garden and the dragons who also dwell there. As the vision first started I was surprised and overwhelmed that the black dragon was INSIDE the garden walls. I was sobbing uncontrollably. The white dragon was suddenly there, putting himself between me and the black dragon. The white dragon faced the black dragon and backed him through the open entrance and back outside of the garden. I watched as the walls of the garden began to change. The turrets grew higher, muscled stripling warriors stood at the top of each turret with a beam of light shooting from them to the sky. The open entrance started to fill itself in with huge, cream colored bricks. The white dragon turned to look at me, but all I saw was sadness and disappointment in his eyes. His eyes were the color of light blue saphires, pools filled with ice. I felt that ice, the disappointment directed at me - though was told that it wasnt. He stood between me and the wall. In my mind's eye I could see on the other side of the wall where the black dragon was screaming and clawing at the bricked-over entrance. I watched as the black dragon turned and flew away over the water. I tried to look at the white dragon, into his eyes to look beyond what my own eyes saw, but it was very difficult, and the images faded after that....
I have seen brief images since then, but not enough to hold onto or go into detail about....
12/14/09 - Extra Blessings
*frozen pipes thursday - chose to go to the temple, pipes were running free before I left. That one blessing alone was enough
*having Shar give me a calming "spinal brush" in the dressing room so I didnt throw up.
*having Wendy & Shar accompany me through doing temple ordinances just to give me comfort and support. I havent been healthy enough to attend for more than a year...
*Pres Peterson "Tune your heart and mind to the spirit through scripture study and prayer. Have faith and courage. Be BOLD, but loving. When we open our mouth to share or serve we give the spirit the chance to teach us. Blessings of peace and opportunities to serve and share will come"
*Preston left for Chicago this morning. I tried hard not to cry, but I still did anyway. Before he left he gave me a blessing. These are things I remember....
*peace, serenity, safety
*will have safety from harm, accident,
*we will be watched over by Heavenly Father, friends and neighbors, ward members
*will have engery, health and stregth to care for kiddos
*spend time with kiddos, will be able to have time, energy and health to do so
*will be able to accomplish many things for, with, and through kids
*As schedule, and weather changes, will be able to handle things
*Kids will also be sensitive to my needs. As things are crazy, ask for their help. They will be willing to step up and help where needed.
*Be in tune with the spirit, prioritize what is most important
*As work through challenges and travel, will be alert and aware
12/7/09 - Things To Think About
I had a really rough appt with one of my specialists. So rough that the pain brought me to tears running down my face. I have had a rough time the last couple of days esp and apparently needed to learn to let go. I was given another short vision. I have a hard time letting things go and forgive them and move on. I had several things in the last couple days that were harder to deal with. One of the things I work on is literally visualizing myself putting hurt/pain/disappointment/feeling lost and forgotten/etc in a physical box and giving it away - specifically to the Savior. Normally when I see Him we are in the garden by the sea and he is in the form of a gigantic white dragon. Today, however, He was really there himself. I only saw Him from His waist down, seeing his hands and feet. I saw myself handing over box after box after box of all of the pain, all the hurt, all the people who have hurt me (whether they know it or not), everything I was struggling with. I saw Him reach out, saw the marks in his hands and feet, saw him take each box. I then saw myself fall into a heap on the ground, sobbing uncontrollably. Then it was over. I had been crying hard during all this time. It still amazes me that it can feel like I am in 2 places at once. I am in the vision, but I am a third person watching it happening.
Like always, after this happens, I am exhausted both physically and emotionally. It was good I could just wait it out and rest for a bit.
At the end of the session I was given some advice and an experiment to try out for the next few days. The experiment is to say these 4 things: 1 - I'm sorry (not taking blame, but showing empathy) 2- Please forgive me (usually this has referred to me reacting in a negative way) 3- I love you (this is sometimes hard, esp when I have been hurt by another) 4- Thank you (even if it is for the tiniest thing, just showing gratitude for something) The point for doing this is not for the other person, but for me. By mentally or verbally saying these 4 things every time I am feeling frustrated or anxious or hurt or anything negative, I can take a moment to re-assess the situation and try to come at things acting, vs reacting. So far, I have been able to notice a significant change. I have been able to be more calm for the most part when handling things that have been extra difficult. This has been esp good with the kids. They are still really struggling with school and having to go over the same "use your time wisely" speech is getting old for all of us. At least today I was able to say what needed to be said and leave it be. Normally I find myself still fussing at them for a long time, or throughout the day, but today I didnt. It is for sure a work in progress, but as my friend says "anything forward is progress, even slow and steady, it is better than nothing/zero" - For now I am taking her advice to "fake it, until you make it" - even if I dont believe it yet, just saying it, or thinking of things in a different way, is making a small difference. And for now, small is what we get, so I just have to keep moving forward from there.
12/04/09- Looking Through Your Eyes
I was given an assignment to take time to look into each of my children's eyes and to write down what and who I see there (me, Preston, Savior?) This has been an extra hard assignment and this post may be an on-going edit...
Ceana - I havent had a chance to look into Ceana's eyes yet, but an image came to my eyes and mind about her. I saw myself as a new bride laughing and smiling. Next I saw Ceana also laughing and smiling - just like me! The expressions and everything. I have never noticed this before and it seemed appropriate to make sure to write it down today. I will add more soon
Kaeli -
Caiden -
Colton -
Ky -
Kelsianne - today I got the opportunity to look into Kels's eyes because I was on the potty and she and the dogs all felt they needed to accompany me...LOL
As I looked at her I could see that her eyes are very reflective, shining and they sparkle. They are an amazing shade of blue that I can't even begin to describe. They are the exact color of another pair of eyes that I looked into today....
What took me by surprise was how very reflective they are. I could see myself very clearly. They also reflected light, even though I she was facing completely away from the bathroom lights.
12/04/09 - The Gift and a Dragon
After another very bad night (2.5 hours) and a pretty rough and crazy start to our day, I went for an appt of my own. This appt was very hard, and the pressure points were so hot they brought tears and pain. They also brought an unexpected visit from the white dragon. I have been really struggling with finding any peace or calm after so much disappointment in the last couple of weeks. I saw the dragon very clearly, esp his face. This has been a rare occurrence as I usually see His body, but not face or eyes. Today he looked at me with the most incredible blue eyes and he was holding out his claw to me. His arm and claw were the color of creamy ivory, soft but very strong. Within his palm was a gift box wrapped with red paper and green ribbon with a bow on top. He was handing it to me to take it. As I looked from the box to His face I saw him smile and His eyes sparkle and shine with light and peace. I saw myself taking the box into my arms (it really is a strange sensation to watch myself, knowing it is me, but feeling like I am a third person) After I took the box, he turned his claw back down and stood in front of me, just looking at me and smiling. It didnt last long, but the physical release and relaxing of my whole body was immediate. I just lay there on the table feeling totally wiped, but totally calm and quiet and peaceful.
I usually get the video and my friend gets the audio - only rarely have I actually heard the dragon. Today the words that went with my vision were "Peace. I give you peace." That small gift that seemed so tiny in His large, powerful claw was the greatest gift to me today. I have had a scripture running through my head ever since then. I seem to remember snippets of scriptures, but never know where to find them. Thank goodness for scripture search stuff online. The first one is John 14:27, this is the one that I remembered. The other is D&C 82:23 which also hit the nail on the head, so to speak, on things I have really been struggling with. Both will be marked in my scripture and "chained" like so many have been since I have been recording things here. Now that they are in my mind, I am hoping that I can keep them there, and also in my heart on those days when peace and calm seem far away.
Just as a side note. The peace continued when a very sweet friend came to me today to give me a little pampering, extending that same feeling of quiet and calm. Her kind and gentle offering added to the great gift already given me today. It is amazing what hands can do and how they can touch your heart as physically as they touch your body. I am truly thankful today for 2 dear friends and their gifts they share through their hands and thankful to a white dragon who is always there when I need him most....
11/30/09 - Stresses & Sunshine (even on a foggy day)
*horrible sleepless nights
*nightmares
*undefinable fatigue
*tears of sadness, detachment, frustration, fear, pain, heartache, worry,
*having a whole pharmacy of things to take to get things going back into balance
*being in the car for appts, other stuff every single day
*money, knowing there is never enough to meet all of our needs
*money spent on hospital procedures/medical needs that severely deplete essential family needs
*Unknown Hospital Procedures
*Being unprepared for procedure/childcare
*Fear that they are not going to find anything wrong enough to "fix"
*feeling unprepared in many areas, esp for family needs
*feeling alone, detatched
*feeling forgotten, blown off, and knowing that I shouldnt care but I do
*can't ask for help, don't deserve help
*feel misunderstood
*going to literally jump out of my skin
*anxious, stressed, sad, worried, panic, unproductive,
*unexpected calls of thoughtfulness/concern
*unexpected childcare help when needed most
*daughters sleeping quietly, comfy
*daughter who remained calm in the midst of all the chaos and meltdown
*daughter who made pancakes and fed little boys
*son who is staying quietly on task with schoolwork amid all the chaos
*husband who is willing to again sacrifice work time to care for kiddos and help them complete schoolwork
*husband who quietly does so many house jobs that help in such a huge way
*friend who never gives up on me and helps me work through both past and present to help create a better future
*warm home, heaters all cranked to high
*daughter who sits with and feeds herself and little missy cold green beans just to get little missy to eat
*hot showers, flannel pillowcase and a comfy quilt to bring some peace to unknown situation
*husband who is willing to drive early morning seminary carpool
*lots of leftovers in the fridge so no worries about cooking while I need to be away
*leftover pancakes so that little boys will have something to eat without having to fight over who is eating what
*large furry dogs
*mama chickens who love being a mama and "cry" when you push them out of the nest and take their eggs
*VERY large pink pigs who are so excited to see you and get their breakfast that they wont wait and will help themselves to the bucket in hand
*the beauty of thick acres of tall trees
*the opportunity to serve others and feel the reward is all ours and that we have been helped more than they have
*little boys who are excited to daily change our "countdown to christmas" blocks
*blogs to be able to vent the hard times and record the good where I can see it anytime I need to
*german pancakes with syrup
*freshly bathed dogs
*white hand cream
11/16/09 - A Grateful Heart
*Kiddos knowing more about technology than me, I still have LOTS to learn
*Kaeli being willing to cook dinner, again, plus give in to little boys begging for pancake letters (I do the regular circle kind...)
*Kaeli doing "math" with Colton while he watches her make pancakes
*Listening to Ky "recite" his ABC's and trying to guess the letters Kaeli makes with pancakes
*Watching little boys dancing and "singing" to "Life Is A Highway" while they watch the music video on TV, way too cute!
*Big girls who continue to "hold down the fort" while I need to take time to rest
*A dear friend who continues to put up with me as she strives to help me improve my health, and listens patiently as I fuss. She continues to be one of my greatest examples and inspirations
*A daughter who is always so attentive to my needs, who gets distracted by her baby sister, who loves being in the kitchen even if it is multiple times a day. She is a shining example of selfless service
*Watching the joy on my daughter's face as she chats with friends on the computer
*Feeling my daughter's sense of accomplishment as she has completed schoolwork and earned back privileges and rewards
*Children who are kept safe as they sleep when Preston, Ceana and I are gone every morning
*Listening to Christmas music on the stereo and computer and being moved to tears by the exquisite music (Oh, Holy Night, Pachebell's Cannon in D + This Very Christmas Night, The Prayer by Celine Dion and Andrea Bocelli)
*Having Christmas music to listen to, and their messages to touch hearts and minds
*Playing "Name That Artist" with the kids while we listen to Christmas music
*Being inside a warm, safe home while listening to the storm and wind rage outside
*Being given the bounty of great blessings as I strive (though still fall short) to meet goals in many areas
*Having a daughter who makes PB Fingers for me, just because I ask her to
*Having littlest people scream "mom you're home!" and come running and wrap their arms around my legs every time I arrive home after being away
*Having a husband who doesnt mind doing loads of dishes just to find the bottom of the sink again
*
11/12/09 - Tender Mercies
*Being able to try for naps at different times of the day....trying...
*Having everyone FINALLY caught up with homework and working on current assignments
*Flexibility to just veg as needed
*Replacing 1 tire for $50 vs 4 tires for $600+
*Safety while on the side of HWY 99 while Preston changed blown out tire in total darkness
*Clear, beautiful skies while changing said tire vs the torrential rain/hail constant the entire day
*Big girls who can "hold down the fort" when I had to leave at the last minute to help Preston
*Making chkn pattie sandwiches and fries and having EVERYONE actually eat dinner
*Holding family time (hymn, scripture, prayer) multiple times this week
*Big girls who help literally calf-rope little missy while we change her continual blow-outs, multiple times a day
*Little missy having/loving her big Sissy so much that she can find comfort after above stress
*Kaeli being willing to help, stay with, and comfort little missy when she wont have anything to do with me ( I can understand that after I am the one who is causing the ouch in trying to help)
*Having a warm, safe home to keep us from the elements
*Our extravagant wealth (compared to MANY throughout the world/nation) by having said house, vehicles, job, health, being able to meet our needs
*2nd Sunday in a row to attend all meetings with no mishaps or extra stresses, even getting stopped in the hallway and being given a hug and being told it was good that I was back, and knowing said sister was very sincere, and not feeling like it was just words
*Having a very patient friend who is willing to help me brainstorm and work through all of our big family changes (home school, teenage girls, sick kiddos, still struggling with my own sleep and health, etc)
*A husband that continues to be patient, kind, understanding, helpful, willing to put our needs before his, who works so hard to support our family to make sure our needs are met, and some of our wants
*Invitations from friends in the ward. Even when I am not able to always join in, it is nice to know that I am being thought about
11/8 - Free To Choose
Today has been filled with lessons that all seem to come back down to the simple act of choosing. How do we choose to use our time, how do we choose to love and care for our spouse and family, how do we choose to live and share the gospel...
In the scriptures Lehi teaches us about choice (2 Nephi 2: 27-28) He teaches us as he admonishes his children to choose wisely. He teaches us that it is OUR choice to have liberty and life or captivity and death. OUR choice.
He gives specific council that will help us to choose liberty and life.
1 - LOOK - we need to always look to the Savior. He is our only mediator. If we make daily choices by looking through His eyes, and TO Him for council and guidance then we are showing that we are choosing life. We are showing that we are striving to be worthy of his mediation in our lives when things are difficult or the weakness of the flesh also weakens our spirit. He is the only one who will come to our aid when we again see Heavenly Father. Interestingly enough we are also taught that he can only come to our aid if we look to Him AND come to Him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit (2 Nephi 2: 7-9) If we choose to show we are meek and humble and repentant, then He will stand next to us at the last day to mediate in our behalf. The scriptures tell us that after He was ressurrected He did not go to those spirits who did not choose these things (D&C 138:18-22), it can only be assumed that the same will be true today as it was thousands of years ago. The scriptures are filled with stories about the simple act of LOOKING, and receiving life. Where do I choose to look, up or down? How can I choose to do better?
2 - HEARKEN - to the commandments. I think this could also be applied to hearkening to the council of church leaders, prophets, and the promptings of the spirit. To hearken means more than to just listen - it is an action word that implies listening and then doing what is asked. Again, we are showing that we choose life through our daily actions. (D&C 21, 45, 124)
3 - BE FAITHFUL - by looking and hearkening, we are following the path of personal study, applying what we know, what we learn to who we are and how it affects our own life. We choose to walk through darkness and trouble and struggle and pain, knowing that there is light on the other side, there is a white dragon there to lift and carry us if needed. Believing and knowing are 2 very different things, but if we are choosing to believe, even if we are just striving to believe, then the knowledge will come (Ether 1-3)
4 - CHOOSE ETERNAL LIFE - it is interesting that he uses these words - strongly indicating that it is up to us, every minute of every day, that with every action we choose to step towards or away from eternal goals, and ultimately eternal life. This choosing reminds me of another scripture where the Israelites were admonished to choose the wickedness they brought with them from Egypt, or the wickedness of the people of their new land, or the Lord. Joshua stood firm in his example "....CHOOSE ye this day whom ye shall serve....as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" (Joshua 24:15) How can I stand firm in my example to my children? How do I show by my example through the choices I make that I too desire and strive to follow the example of Joshua? I can start TODAY to look and hearken, to be faithful and to choose eternal life by following the words of our beloved Pres Hinkley by "just doing a little bit more". A little bit today, will go a long way tomorrow, for me and for my family. By breaking the chains of my past and forging new chains to secure me/us to the iron rod, by being a pioneer today, by striving to live and CHOOSE liberty and life, then I am doing all of the things that Lehi asked of his own children, and that Heavenly Father and the Savior asks of us today. Just a little bit, I can do that.
10/28 -TM
*House/kiddos being calm and quiet today
*Serving with photography
*Getting to visit with a friend willing to let me take picts for an upcoming event
*FABULOUS, warm, homemade bread from same friend. HOW does she make it smell like doughnuts and be SO soft? One of these days I am going to have to learn her magic
*Letting myself get worked over by a dear friend with a nasty rock :) - in the hopes sleep will get better....
10/27 - TM
*Treating kiddos to dinner on the fly
*Having mult appts let out on time to get to others
*Having little kiddos in tow to said appts actually behave well
*Playing with the power windows and making Ky go "HEY!" and listening to the little boys laugh hysterically
*Photo Class #2 went well!
*All kiddos were in bed AND asleep within minutes of arriving home after a VERY long day of chaos and appts
*Officially withdrawing 1 kiddo from extra class
*Safety for me/kiddos/P while he is still gone
10/25 - TM & Scripture Thought
*Photography made my friend happy! That makes me happy!
*That children still stay safe in the midst of popping out teeth, splitting lips, head butting furniture, and falling down stairs
*2 hour nap
*Laughing until I had tears running down my face because my husband is VERY silly
*Being hugged and "MOM-ed!" every time little missy wakes up from her naps
*"MOM, DON"T GO!" and being hugged tightly - every time I leave (or just when I go out to the garage for something) from Ky (I have been gone alot for medical appts recently)
*Being asked to take the flowers from the chapel the last 2 weeks in a row, and having their beauty and their smell fill our home
*crock pot dinners
*Mosiah 4: 11-13 - to me, today, this set stood out to say again that tender mercies are overflowing, whether in joy or sadness, accomplishment or struggle. I only need to look for them, and then trust and believe they will be there. I also like this set because it sets out a special covenant between us and Heavenly Father - our actions, His promises. Part of our action, not mentioned here, again, is trusting and believing He will always hold up His end if we are willing, striving to do our part. We don't always succeed, but I think our efforts are still rewarded because he knows where our hearts are. That is hard sometimes, esp when the struggles and efforts dont seem to be helping make any progress. In those moments, it is most important to look for the tender mercies to help us through those times.
*Alma 13: 28-29 - this is the scripture that was at the bottom of our family hymn choice for tonight. We have been working on a goal to sing a hymn, read a scripture, and have prayer together as a family as often as possible. Ideally we would have it every night, but as is everything, it is a work in progress. Tonight Kaeli chose "Where Love Is" since it is one of her piano lesson pieces. Often the scripture of choice is the one that the hymn is based on. This one was perfect as it seems to be on the same personal theme I have been working on. Finding the tender moments, finding His proof of love and guidance that is always there. When we are doing all we can, working towards those ideal goals of being meek, humble, submissive, etc, then there is love from Heavenly Father, and in our family as well.
10/24 - TM
*Waking up with energy to get some big house jobs done
* Easy dinner that everyone will eat
*Blackberry-banana, and Orange Julius smoothies on the same day
10/23 - TM
*"Mama!" and a little girl running full tilt into my arms
*Mom! You're Home! and a little squirt running to me and wrapping his arms around my legs
*Kaeli is doing much better, looks like we wont need to go down to dr office
*A REAL date with my sweetie!
*Yummy dinner! Cherry pie! Hot chocolate!
10/22 - TM & Scripture Thought
*Good experience with Sleep Med Dr. He really listened and made good comments that helped me understand everything that will happen next month
*Leftovers
*Wii Fit and Blues Clues Computer Games (colton)
*Thomas the Tank Engine and Bob the Builder available on Netflix (Ky)
*Motrin, hot baths, essential oils for a very sick girl
*warm, dry weather for an outdoor photo shoot
*Safety for kiddos while I was away
*Images that turned out well from photo shoot
*Alma 26: 35-37 - He has ALL power, He is mindful of me, our family in these difficult times with school, family, health, etc. He will send tender mercies always, just have to look for them
10/21 - TM & Scripture Thought
*freshly baked, still warm apple cider doughnuts from the local bakery - YUM!
*enduring painful acupuncture points, even if it was for only 5 minutes
*Being wrapped in the tender smile and huge tail of the White Dragon during acupuncture
*Dropping off of above mentioned doughnuts to my sweetie at work and getting kisses in return
*Soothing, comforting sound of rain on windows
*Being able to let things go for today and just trying to find recovery time
*2 Nephi 1: 15 - this was fulfilled today with my appt - I was literally encircled and kept safe, esp from the Black Dragon
10/20 - TM
*Alone time with Preston
*Preston helping with extras (gas for van, kaeli to choir)
*NOT moving to Boise for work
*Peach-Banana smoothie
*Seeing a small sliver of moon in the sky before it was hidden in deep cloud banks
*Having my 1st photo class for the scouts go really well
10/19 - Tender Mercies/Scripture Thought
*Sunshine and warm weather
*Laughing at the things boys do - no matter how old they get
*Having a fun and productive FHE!
*Enjoying watching the kids come up with creative ideas to decorate their pumpkins
*Capturing the color wonders of Fall on our street
*Eccl 3: 1-8, "a time to plant, a time to reap" - joys of a family garden, and the changing seasons (Fall) "a time to keep, a time to throw away" - I am learning to let go of, and throw away past trauma and pain and replace it with peace and calm
10/09 - A Dragon Comes To The Rescue:
Awhile back I had a nightmare that left me more shaken than usual. I was being attacked and hurt by a family member. In the nightmare I was left helpless while others stood around and just watched and let it happen. When I went over the dream again, I found that I was not alone. As I watched, the White Dragon appeared behind my attacker, His face was very fierce. He continued around, growling loudly, until he was between me and him. That person let me go and I watched as he was the one who fell back under the weight of the dragon's sharp growl and piercing eyes. I found myself going around to the dragon, climbing up on his back and curling up in a ball. The white dragon's wings folded gently around me, and held me there, and I knew I was safe. During this same scene, another one popped into view. I was in front of a house where I once lived, things went on there that can never be shared, other than the fact that it was painful. I saw myself leaving that house and seeing the white dragon there too. He swept me up onto his back, ready to fly away. As we lifted off the ground I found that I was not the only person on His back. Preston, dressed in full stripling warrior armor was sitting right behind me. He held a shield on one arm, and a huge silver sword in the opposite hand. Between the two of them, I was safe and we flew away together.
10/09 - A Little Girl & A Little Dragon:
Had a very difficult session with an intense flashback to a very sad/frightening time. I was so emotionally tied to the moment that I physically tried to curl up in a ball and was sick to my stomach. I could not control the sobbing that wracked my body. During this session, Wendy had big me go to little me to give comfort to take away the fear that was besieging me. It was really hard. I saw myself, my little self when I was very young, maybe 5yrs old or younger. I was sitting on a bed in the room that used to be mine when I lived in my great-grandmother's house. I hated that house, I never felt safe, I was always afraid. Putting myself back there was very horrifying. As we worked through things I saw myself now, sitting with that little me in that huge dark room. I saw details in that room that I have tried so hard to forget. My job there was to give comfort, love and safety. I took little me on my lap, held her, wiped the tears from her face, softly talked with her. Just as I looked up and out the back bedroom window, I saw a very small white dragon on the other side of the glass. In the blink of an eye he came right through the glass as if it wasnt even there and quietly flew over to us. (just a side note - I had a second experience with this at home and I am going to include that more detailed version here) At first little me was afraid, but I gently cupped my hands under her tiny ones and the dragon landed lightly in her hands. "This is my friend" I told her. She kept looking up at me and then back to the dragon sitting in her tiny hands. Her eyes showed wonder and a light of hope, though she was still hesitant.
"Does he have a name?" she asked me. "He is called by many different names by many different people. Would you like to give him a special name?" I replied back. "Oh, yes please." she said quietly. I watched as they looked at each other, and then she said "firefly." I asked her "Why did you choose that name?" She said back to me "Because he makes me feel warm and gives me light." I looked at the 2 of them again, looked at her eyes shining with joy and a smile on her face. "That is a perfect name" I told her. Then an interesting thing happened, I was whooshed back to my garden by the sea. I was big, and the big white dragon was there with me. "Hello, Firefly." I said to Him. I had my arms wrapped around His neck and my cheek was laying against the top of His head, which he had nestled under my chin. Just as quickly as I was there, I was back in that quiet dark room with little me. It was just a split second that I was there, and yet it was a very real moment.
As I looked again, I was back in that dark room. It was like looking at a picture in a book. I was telling her about the little dragon in her hands. "He will be here for you anytime you need him. When you are sad, or scared, or lonely. All you need to do is call his name and he will be here with you." Then she surprised me by asking "Will you be here too?" I was surprised to find myself answering so quickly, "Yes, I will be here when you need me most." She leaned back against me, and I rocked her. As I looked down I saw that she had the little white dragon nestled in her arms, just as if she were rocking a babydoll, just as I was rocking her.
We sat quietly for awhile. Then she asked "What is your name?" "My name is Rory" I told her. "My name is Kim" she responded quietly. "But I dont like my name." When I asked her why she did not like her name, she answered "It makes me sad." I held her a little closer and stroked her hair, because I knew exactly what she meant and how she felt.
Things faded after that. The difference in the first session and the second was that the first I was overwhelmed by terror that was so physical it made me sick to my stomach. The 2nd time, it was more calm and quiet, disconnected. It really was like I was looking at a picture book, there was really no emotion, no fear. I wish I could say that the fear is totally gone. The last couple of days have held vivid flashbacks and nightmares that strike me with the same terror. I can only hope that as we continue to work through things, that each of those will also fade into the quiet of looking at a picture book, that they too will lose the strong emotions attached to them. For now, I just take one little bit at a time, and for now, that will be enough.
10/09 - Things I Am Grateful For:
*That every time Kels climbs and does a "crash and burn" she walks away with minimal to no injury
*Laughing at Kels as she stares, without blinking & her eyebrows crunched in a "who are you and why are you sitting next to me" look, at a friend of Ceana's who joined her on a YW/YM activity.
*Friends who greet me with hugs like they are never going to let me go
*Friends who are not only loved, but beloved
*Fall leaves
*Preston always being willing to help with house jobs and big projects that are difficult for me
*naps
*Hot baths
Tender Mercies:
*Fireplace in our master suite so I dont freeze to death
*Having therapy sessions go quicker and not be as painful
*the nice smell of a freshly peeled orange
*being able to get a 2 hour nap and actually sleeping
*having the repair guy come out ASAP after having the washer break over the weekend, and having the problem be an easy fix
*being thankful for a dumb nightmare waking me up so we could still drive carpool and get to seminary/exercise class on time
*Being in total panic mode about an assignment we didnt know about and talking with a teacher about that same assignment only to have her be extra kind, patient, helpful and reassuring.
* Therapy session lasting only 40 minutes vs 2 1/2 hrs
*Feeling warm from the inside out
*Hearing, very loudly, where Preston's horn was after he had hunted the whole house and the truck and couldnt find it
*Friends who help get little people picked up from appts when theirs/mine overlap
*Seeing progress in school work being completed
*Being given the gift to "see" in a way that others may not
*Having friends and a husband who never give up on me, even when I am ready to give up on myself
*
9/09 - Dragons @ RS Conference
*I was feeling very calm as a friend picked up me and ceana for the RS conference. When we actually got to the building though, the panic started to set in. It got even worse when we joined other sisters in the ward at tables in the FRONT of the room vs the back (where I was hoping to stay out of sight) My stomach was in such knots and butterflies that I could not even eat the lunch that was provided. My legs started shaking almost the minute we sat down. The battle was raging again and I felt so weak that I couldnt focus or calm down. Thankfully Wendy came and sat by me. The shaking got so bad I had to literally wrap my arms around my knees to try to get it under control. Wendy ended up having to scoot closer to me and work on some pressure points and talk me through things. She would get it under control, and then it would start all over again. I was mortified, knowing for sure that everyone at our table, and everyone around us knew what was going on. I felt such intense panic that I wanted to literally bolt out of the room. The black dragon was screaming in my head to leave, that I shouldnt be there, that I was unworthy to be there, that people were thinking horrible things about me, that the crowd was too much. If Wendy, Martha and Ceana hadnt been there, I probably would have run all the way home (my brain was in such distress that all logic that I would be crossing highways never occurred to me). My shaking really upset Ceana, and I had to try to explain to her what was happening. By the time Wendy had me calmed down enough to go to the chapel, I was exhausted and light headed and felt faint. I had to literally lay my head down on the table to rest, and try and hide the tears pouring down my face. I was so embarassed and just sick that this had happened in such a large group setting.
Wendy had Martha escort me to the chapel and made sure that I had Ceana, Martha and herself sitting on all sides of me. Wendy wanted to stay close by to help as needed. I was thankful that she did. I was able to tell her about some of the morning's events and she was able to keep working on pressure points, and talk me through things as the conference started. There was one piece of one talk that was the whole reason I was there. There was also music - songs that I have sung a zillion times, that never touched anything - that today brought visions and feelings so powerful all I could do was sob.
The first song was "Sunshine In My Soul" - it was like I was hearing/seeing the words for the first time. They meant something to me, I understood them, they spoke directly to me. The verse that says "when Jesus shows his smiling face, there is sunshine in my soul" brought immediately to my mind (though my eyes were open) the face of the white dragon right there hovering above all the sisters singing in the chapel - and he was SMILING at me! His blue eyes crinkled with happiness and the biggest smile I have ever seen. He was looking right at me, it literally took my breath away and I broke down in tears, my chest burning inside me so much I thought it would burst. I reacted so strongly that both Martha and Wendy noticed. Martha got me tissues as I whispered to Wendy was I was seeing - she confirmed my vision with the voice she could hear in her mind. We both had tears pouring down our faces. After that I seemed to calm quite a bit. I was able to get through most of the talks with remaining still.
I struggled again towards the end, I had to lock my legs together and hold one foot on top of the other to keep myself in control, the whole time trying to tell myself "feel, dont think" as wendy encouraged me to relax and accept the things I was hearing.
Another song that we sang was "How Firm A Foundation" Again the words seemed to be jumping off the screen, talking directly to me. Every verse applied to my life right now. Then the verse "I will strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand. Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand" brought another surprise - there with my eyes wide open I saw the claw of the white dragon, turned upward and open as if He were going to hold something. Wendy heard "yes, yes, yes!" to go with what I again shared with her. This time the tears didnt come, but I found myself smiling, joyful at feeling like "I get it". I will be spending time with my scriptures and hymnbook soon to continue the learning that has come from today's experience.
When the conference was over Wendy made sure that Martha would help me get to the car with little or no contact with others, as my energy levels were waning and I was feeling exhausted and very timid. She seems to be able to read me well, which comes from all of the time we have spent together. Even with this hope that we would sneak out, several sisters fromt our ward made there way towards me on purpose. I felt a small joy in knowing that there words and well wishes were sincere. It brought some peace to me to know that I could accept their kindness and that I could respond kindly back. I know not many people even know this link exists and very few take time to read these personal things, but I need to express my sincere thanks to those sisters who went out of their way to let me know that they care about me. Thank you to Leola, Janica, Jenny, Julie, Maria, and Denise. You will never truly know how much your kindess and thoughtfulness means to me.
9/09 - Gardens & Dragons VII
*This morning when I couldnt sleep I found myself going back over the events of the week as Wendy & I have worked together. As I did, I again felt my chest burn within me. Remembering those things brought on another experience. When the prophets talk about being "swept away in a vision" I am starting to understand why. When the visions come, it is like I am there instead of where I am physically - which this morning was just laying in bed.
I was in the garden with the white dragon. Large muscled striping warriors stood on the top of the wall surrounding the garden. The black dragon was there, staring at me with piercing black eyes. The white dragon stood between us and when I looked again at the gateway the black dragon was flying away. I had the thought of longing to walk on the beach again - something I havent done since the 1st experiences. Suddenly I was walking on the beach, with cinammon colored sand beneath my feet and water gently washing against the sand. The white dragon walked beside me - between me and the water. We walked quietly, and I knew that even though I was outside the garden, I was safe and calm. In the blink of an eye I saw myself on the back of the white dragon and we were soaring above the gray-colored sea. (side note - anyone who knows me well knows I have a horrible fear of heights and heights over water sends me into irrational panic) I was not afraid at all, it was if I had done this all my life, it was exhilarating. I saw my tiny figure on the back of this giant white dragon, great wings outstretched in flight. In another blink of an eye the black dragon was there attacking us. One moment I was on the white dragon's back, in another I was inside the garden. I watched the 2 dragons fighting wings beating powerfully, claws locked in battle. As I watched from inside the garden I was very aware of the stripling warriors on the top of the wall, and one who stood close behind me, his only job to keep me safe. As I continued to watch the battle, the vision slowly faded and I was left with my chest burning inside me. The thought in my mind was very intense that I am safe and it is His job to fight for me, not for me to do the fighting. As this thought grew, so did the fire inside my heart - so much it felt like my chest would burst. I also started to shake - this is my physical indication that my spirit and body are battling to accept this new knowledge. Preston was awake by this time and my shaking concerned him. I was feeling a great calm though, enough to know what was going on, and I was able to also tell him. I was able to explain enough, and it was so good to know that I was able to. Talking about things has been very hard, even with him.
The calm was very filling, like I didnt have a care in the world, and if I would just feel, and not think so much, or allow the black dragon to scream in my head, that I would be able to keep the warm, calm feeling.
I saw another piece in the garden too. Preston was with me. We walked on the grass, hand-in-hand. We walked towards the little red house also inside the garden. It is like a japanese pagoda - painted in red and gold. We went inside together. Preston and I had a quiet morning together, uninterrupted (which hardly happens with 6 kiddos each taking a turn to need something) We were able to talk and just have time for us. I was able to let myself feel, and not think, which I havent been able to do for months. Just allow myself this time, to just be together, to talk about life, kids, whatever. To just open up and trust and feel safe.
Seeing that in the garden first, feeling the warmth and calm and safety allowed me to bring it out of the garden and into reality. Things have changed, my feelings of wholeness, of being complete have become real enough to touch, to know. It is a great blessing to be able to feel free, and open, and be able to give that to him, without any walls. I am going to do everything I can to make it always so.
9/09 - Gardens & Dragons VI (FEEL, Don't Think)
*Today's session was focusing on FEELING, and not thinking. My brain often gets in the way of things and clouds or blocks any feeling, esp if it is positive or for me. My meridians are all out of whack and so Wendy worked on getting my kidney meridian to quiet and my heart meridian to fire up - literally. As we worked and talked, by chest literally burned. Not bad, like heartburn, but burn like warm, on fire, the "burning in the bosom" like the scriptures talk about. Feeling has always been very hard for me, there is always a wall up. Feeling for me has meant getting hurt, physically and emotionally. I have learned to not feel, to block feeling, even though I am one of those people who wear my heart/feelings on my sleeve, every time anything would happen to hurt me, my heart would shut down a little more. Today, Wendy changed that and got things VERY fired up.
We worked on attaching emotion words to people closest to me (see "angels" post), not letting my brain think or describe those people, but focusing on what I FEEL for and about them. In this process I was asked to look directly at the white dragon. This has been very hard for me, and I have only been able to clearly see His face a couple of times. As I looked into His eyes, I saw deep, layered pools of blue. I also saw great empathy. As I looked I was asked to look through the white dragon's eyes at myself, to really SEE what He feels for me. My brain immediately took over with all the negative thoughts. I had to fight through that and not think, just feel. When I really focused and looked I saw and felt myself in 2 places. I was inside looking through the dragon's eyes, and yet I was also standing in front of the dragon - on the outside. As I watched I saw myself, not in mortal body form, but spirit form. I was very taken by surprise. As I watched, I saw my spirit form grow brighter and brighter, almost more than I could look at. The scripture that says "brighter than the sun at noonday" literally jumped to my mind. I was standing there, light exploding from me. This is how the dragon sees me - full of light and life, whole, healed.
9/09 - Gardens & Dragons V
*I am hoping that I will remember everything that I have experienced. Not feeling well, and too much chaos has kept me from journaling while things were fresh in my mind. I will do my best. Today's session was very intense. Alot that was unexpected has happened.
I got the chance to go to lunch with a friend. I found myself opening up about personal things much more than I thought I would. In doing so, we had a wonderful lunch, and I found a new friend that I can trust with many things. In doing so, the talking brought on many triggers of the trauma of my past.
I was thankful that I was able to go right to Wendy after that. We worked on many hard things, things I didnt realize had been brought to the surface, including great anger towards family members and fear for my children's safety, specifically ceana right now.
We worked on me trying to let things go. To turn everything over to the Savior to take care of, that it isnt my job to be responsible for everything and everyone, it is His.
The white dragon was there to take my burdens, my fears, anything I needed. I literally saw myself put things, and people, into crates and bags and put them on the back of the dragon. He took them and flew away, coming back for more, as many times as I needed.
As I was doing this though, I was asked to look at the dragon. I had a really hard time doing this. We started with details I could see - his strong, sturdy legs. His delicate, but powerful wings. The scales on His neck, the soft, smooth whiteness of His belly. When I finally could look at His face, I saw that He was crying. This killed me. I made the Savior cry, it was my fault. I have had this happen with Preston in the garden too in a previous experience, and it hurt just as bad. My whole brain screamed that it was my fault, because I am sick, because I am hurting all those around me, I have made them cry. When I looked though - the black dragon was there in the gateway, his beady black eyes piercing me to the core. Though my brain said that it was he who was doing the screaming, my heart could not fight.
Wendy had to work really hard to convince me that the white dragon was crying WITH me, and FOR me, not because of me. I still struggle a bit to believe it, every time I see it again, it hurts just as bad.
When things are really hard for me to work through, Wendy always seems to be able to find something funny to say to help me finish working through things. Today she told me she saw me in a kick down, drag out fight with the dragon over keeping my own garbage and stuff. It was just so ridiculous it made us both laugh - who would fight the Savior on purpose to keep all your own junk? And yet, that is what I do every minute, every day. I have lived with having to hang on to it, having it forced on me to carry at a very young age, I have been like this for so long that my body doesnt know or remember what it is like to be healthy or whole. I am having to learn it all over again. And so the battle literally rages within me, spirit against physical body, the horrifying fear and sin and shame unwilling to give in to trust and acceptance of real truth, and my body bears the brunt of that battle as I literally shake & sob until I am exhausted.
I also saw Ceana in the garden with me. She was standing by the dragons head with her arms wrapped around his neck. As Wendy & I talked, she asked me how the Savior feels about Ceana - and as she asked, I saw Him turn to her and nuzzle her with His nose and she hugged Him back. They both felt and sent out great joy. Again, the vision telling me that she is in His care. I must remember the things that I have already been told, that I cant protect the kids or be with them all the time, but the Savior can, and IS. He will care for Ceana, protect her, guide her through the spirit and everything will be ok. I need to be the "middle man" - He is in charge, I take my "orders" from Him, and try my best to teach the kids the right way, and then I must leave it to them/Him to follow through. I often think of the prophet Joseph when he was asked how he governed such a large group of saints. His reply was that he taught them correct prinicples and let them govern themselves. I am learning this principle for myself as I need to allow the kids, and specifically ceana, to take what they have been taught, and trust them, and her, to make the right decisions. It is hard to be the mom of a teenage girl, wanting so much to hold tight and protect, and yet knowing that I need to let go more and more because she is old enough to start governing herself. She is such a good girl, all the kids are, and I know that they were sent to me that way, I need to trust that she will make the right choices, that she is already doing so. I am so proud of her, for the right choices she makes, for her attitude and obedience, even when she sees so many of her peers (even in the wards) making other decisions. I know it is time to let her move on, to continue my role to guide and help and give support, and leave the rest to her, and the Savior, and things really will be ok.
9/09 - Tender Mercies
*Having Preston bring home leftover work BBQ for dinner after having a REALLY bad day here at home
*Seeing the strange, layered colors of the sky at sunrise and sunset - layers of purple, pink, peach, fuscia, red. Strange diffusion of light through the clouds, really pretty, but gave a weird feeling looking at them
*Still enjoying baby sunflowers from my neighbor, they are still strong and pretty even after a whole week+
9/09 - Finding Joy/Laughter
*Finding my youngest daughter sitting in the middle of the dining room table snitching what was left of her brother's snack. Instead of getting her down, I got the camera.
*Laughing hysterically as Oreo looks as if he is rubbing his paws together during FHE when we were "making" rain. Laughing just as hard as he got on his hind legs and put paws on the couch next to ceana when it was time to kneel for prayer.
*Being able to serve, even if it is just driving the van at 530 in the morning, or taking simple photographs for a ward project
*Seeing the success and joy in kiddos as they complete a whole day's school work or a major project
*Enjoying the comfort foods of chkn pot pie soup & biscuits
*Having the dogs be indoors more without any mishaps or potty accidents
*Listening to Kels try new words that she is hearing "puh, puh" (up) & "ticka, ticka" (tickle) while she wiggles her fingers on someone
*Noticing the color of the clouds as they change during a sunset
*The taste of "real" cookies & cream ice cream that tastes like soft ice cream sandwiches
*Cold water from the fridge
*Knowing that I made it to and through exercise class even though I felt like crud and that my head was going to explode
*Laughing at Kels as she cried pathetically (fake cry)
9/09 - More Tender Mercies
*homemade mashed potatoes that taste yummy
*dear friends bringing handmade meals and staying to chat and make sure we are ok
*green salad with extras that actually tastes yummy again
*friends bringing a homemade quiche and fresh peaches just because
*the wonderful taste of home canning after all the hard work is done
*having the energy to actually prepare a real meal
*holding an impromptu FHE, and though a bit rowdy, actually went off with everyone participating and no one fighting or crying
*essential oils and massage therapy
*being able to have the energy/strength to go walking with a friend at the last minute - even in my PJ's
*having doggies in the house with no potty mishaps
*having extra hands to help with dishes and other chores I am not able to get to
*being able to get a nap every once in awhile
9/09 - Surgery - Again.....Tender Mercies:
*The IV nurse actually listened to me.
When I told her if she was not able to use a pediatric butterfly, she needed to use the lidocaine and numb it and just dig all she wanted, and she said "ok, I'll be right back". Most of the responses I have always gotten are "I am good, let me try" only to turn me into a pin cushion. This nurse got the lidocaine in, and I still felt her dig a bit, but for the most part it was ok, even through more tears that I was just not able to hold back.
*I had lavender oil with me to apply lightly to try and help me find some calm before surgery. It only kind of worked, I think there was too much in me today to really allow it to work its potential...
*I had a very patient anesthesiologist who listened attentively as I chattered nervously about Kels after she had asked about our kiddos on our way to the O.R.
*I started to wake up less than an hour after surgery.
This has never happened. I have always had to have extended care, or had to stay overnight...
I was conscious just long enough to ask for help with pain. I for sure had my nurses freaked out, as it was apparent that nobody happened to tell them I dont come around. As I was being transferred from nurse to nurse I overheard their not well whispered conversation that were blurbs (I've been caring for her for a long time, she just wouldnt wake up, I even shook her, she is still not awake, everything else is fine except for that...)
*My lovely friend medicine ZOFRAN. This is the only anti-nausea med that has worked for me, and worked well. There was no way that my anesthesiologist would have known this besides being guided to do so. Because I was given this during surgery I had no nausea/vomiting at all. This has not happened in the past either.
*Post Op shaking was minimal. Although it did again give reason to distress my nurses. My main nurse asked in a very concerned voice what was going on, and I was barely conscious enough to tell her it was a normal surgery response. Dont think it made either of the nurses feel any better, for even though it didnt last long, I shook pretty badly.
*Wonderful, heavy warm hospital blankets and a new warming technology. I get very chilled after surgeries, and as I started feeling things again I got very chilled, very quickly, to the point that I was shaking and my teeth were chattering. My poor nurses, I dont think they have ever had anyone react the ways I did today....My nurse hurried and piled on several almost-hot blankets and then also hooked me up to the new warming system - a hose that blows heated air into a special pocket in the hospital gown. It is pretty amazing and was a life saver for me.
*After only 2 sets of meds, I was able to get up long enough to get a shower, on my own. This has never happened either, I am usually down for a couple of days. I think a good portion of it has to do with the fact we have honed down my "what I can handle" list - alot of the problems have come from reacting to meds I didnt know I couldnt have.
*I was home by noon. I was able to come around much sooner this time. Although it seemed like it was taking forever, I made progress and was up and around enough for me to come home and finish my recovery here, instead of at the hospital
*Lavender on my pillow, a soft sleep mask, soothing music. These 3 things are what I longed for while at the hospital this morning, esp as I was starting to come around. I just wanted to curl in a ball, but couldnt because I couldnt move at all. It was wonderful to be home in my bed, and know I was able to totally relax.
*I have been able to sit here and type this with only minimal pain. I am going to have to take something soon, but for now I am tolerating it ok.
*Tears have been minimal.
They started yesterday after waking from another nightmare. They continued this morning as I was changing into hospital things, and that I was even there - again. They also came with the IV etc. They came when we realized the dinner we were expecting didnt arrive after all. They came when I chatted to a dear friend about the dinner. They came when this same friend offered to drive a carpool and bring her fabulous cinnamon rolls for breakfast.They came with the relief that surgery is done, at least for now.
All of these things seem very insignificant, nothing worth crying over. The fact that I only cried a little bit about them is HUGE. Even just a few weeks ago I would have sobbed unconsolably over every single one of them. Progress, no matter how small, is good.
9/09 - Sweet, Juicy, WOW-yummy, fresh pears.
I have never liked pears fresh, always after we have canned them only. I shared a pear with Colton and then couldnt stop eating them. They even got a "wow" out of Preston on his bite. When everything has been tasting so yucky, and eating has been a "have to force myself to", this was a wonderful blessing to be able to eat and enjoy something so thoroughly. I had to rescue the last 1/2 doz from the last box to keep in the fridge before they got canned. Hope they are that good again next year, I will be sure to save more out then.
8/09 - More Tender Mercies -
*Rain
*Cooler weather
*Warm dry weather for outdoor concerts
*Big girls who are willing to help younger siblings
*visits from long distance friends
*scriptures that jump out and say something
*inspiration to find missing items
* feeling well enough to take fun picts at the fair, and having them turn out well
*having enough energy and patience to help kiddos get started with school
*LOTS of leftovers from a catered military dinner
*blessings of bountiful foods, technology and needs met
8/25/09 Tender Mercies:
Beets that taste yummy, when it is a constant battle to even eat because everything tastes yucky
- Picking and eating blackberries right off the vine with a dear friend, and having those be yummy too
- Watching Kels discover that she can make spit bubbles - BIG ones - and hearing her laugh when they pop. Trying to laugh when she gets those spit bubbles all over me and the furniture
- Cooler weather
- Having good doctors and nurses to care for me and our family (updated post coming soon about upcoming KS adventure #5)
- Naps, sleep masks, and soothing music
- Phone calls and emails from others checking on us while Preston is away
- Hugs & kisses from little boys whenever I need to leave
- Almost daily phone calls from Preston & the kids keeping me posted on their activites and letting me know that they are safe & happy
- Changing seasons that bring beauty all year round, esp beautiful flowers and critters (bees, frogs, dragonflies, etc)
- Sunflowers that are 1/2 as tall as house! on the other side of the fence to enjoy looking at every day
- Scriptures that come to mind in whole or part, when I think I have forgotten everything...
- Blogs (& email) to be able to keep a detailed family journal and keep others updated on our family and for us to keep updated on them
- Listening/watching Kels literally jump up and down in her crib until it creaks ( I think it is just going to fall apart one of these days....she is VERY ready for her big bed, SOON)
Today has been very difficult, culminated with the stupid pain in the side/back from a kidney stone on the move. I have struggled all day with feeling very alone, feeling much terror, grief and pain. Tonight though, dear friends came to give me a gift - a prayer and a priesthood blessing that seemed to be as much for them as it was for me.
The very first thing I was told was how much I am loved by our Heavenly Father. Though I still cannot feel anything today, I must give myself to trust and believe the words that were given to me. Those words were felt very strongly by others there with me tonight.
I was promised that the stone would not be more than would be bearable, which is a great gift considering we are on our own, and I wouldnt know what to do, or who would care for us if something more serious happened.
I was also told that though there are going to be times of pain and struggle that these things are for my good. That the things I am learning - compassion and greater love - will bless others around me now, and for generations to come. My mind immediately went to the prophet Joseph, in his darkest hour, he was told the same thing "....this is for just but a moment and these things will be for your good...." He gave great trust, faith and obedience to those words, even if I cannot feel and do the same now, I can lean on the fact that I can learn from the prophet's experiences and lean on his great testimony and example. One day, maybe I will be as strong as he was.....
I was blessed to know that my children were sent to me to care for, for me to teach and nurture. That they would be jewels in my crown.
I was also told that the Savior weeps with me and laughs with me. I need to remember the pain and suffering he went through for me, goes through for me, to trust and believe in Him, that together this too shall pass.
I need to trust in those who have given good advice. Listen to those who have been sent to help me through these difficult times.
Trust and belief seem to be so hard today, have been such a struggle through my whole life. There is so much that I need to try to change, to be willing to let myself trust and believe and know that I am safe, that I will be safe, esp with those friends and family that I am closest to. It is hard, but someone keeps telling me I am moving forward, and that just holding still is time to rest so we can keep moving forward, and that it will be a "we", that I will never be alone in this difficult and painful learning experience that is mine to bear.
Today feels like I went backward very far, all I can do is hope that tomorrow will be better and try to keep "trust and believe" in my heart and mind, even when it seems there is nothing there to give.
8/09 - Baby Hugs
I have had a very difficult day today. It has been almost more than I felt I could bear. This afternoon I scooped up Kels to change her diaper, and as we walked into the library she wrapped her arms around my neck, and squeezed hard, and lay her cheek and face right against mine. She stayed like that, and it surprised me so much I just stood in the middle of the hallway and hugged her back. This never happens with her. Since she has become mobile and aware of her surroundings, if I do hold her she is looking at everything as we walk, or she is immediately squirming to get down. This was a tender mercy today to feel for those few brief moments that she knew that I needed that hug, and those sweet arms around my neck are something i will never forget
8/09 - My Girls
I have missed my girls very much since they have been away. I didnt realize how much the boys missed them until they arrived home the other night to the boys jumping up and down and screaming "their home, their home!" and hugging them until they about fell over.
Our home as had an empty feel to it without the girls here. They each have a special something about them that adds to the completeness of our home and family.
I am also grateful for their willing, helpful hands. Ceana couldnt wait to get out into the garden over the weekend and bring in our small harvest (picts to be posted soon) I havent been well enough to get out there, and I was grateful and astounded as she worked tirelessly cleaning the veggies. she helped me prepare an amazing meal featuring the bounty from our garden. While we were in the kitchen, Kaeli jumped at the opportunity to give Ky & Kels a bath. I had to laugh as she came and said "mom, kels isnt screaming" (which she had done on a major thrashing level before she discovered water was fun on our vacation) Kaeli enjoyed every minute playing and singing with them, and I could hear them laughing as she helped them get dryed off and dressed.
These are things that I have not been able to do on my own. Their energy, strength, willingness, and love are again overflowing in our home. Their hugs and smiles, and sharing have their siblings clamoring to be near them and to have them (not me) do everything for them.
These are the things that have been missed, these are things that we are so thankful to have as a part of our home and family. I am truly blessed to have such beautiful, wonderful girls.
8/09 - Even The Little Things
The other day Kaeli was finishing dressing for church. Her skirt was a bit too big and we needed to pin it. I had no clue where to look for a safety pin (without sewing skills, sewing supplies are pretty much non-existent at our house) I started rummaging through preston's desk drawer when I heard a very distinct voice say "on your desk", I have learned recently to LISTEN when I am told something, so I immediately turned to start looking on my desk. I was looking on the right side of the printer when the voice came again "the other side" and as I moved to the other side of the printer - there was a small safety pin - just what I was needing to help Kaeli.
It seems like it wouldnt matter to Heavenly Father or the Savior if I needed a little thing like a safety pin, and yet this experience has taught me differently. No matter how big or small, they do care and the Spirit is there to guide and direct us if we are working to make ourselves worthy and that we are willing to LISTEN and heed what we hear.
Experiences like this are so new to me. The fortress walls have been so thick, so dark, that I have not been able to feel, let alone hear, the spirit or the savior telling me things. I am learning things as if from the very beginning again. One little thing at a time, which really arent so little if I take time to stop and think about them. I do still have my struggles, I still make mistakes, I still feel unsure, and yet inside I know there is a different feeling, a lightness, a calm that I dont think I have ever felt before. I go over the words that have been said to me over and over, trying to trust, trying to believe, and I guess my trying is enough for now to be able to have experienes that are a big part of my life right now. It may not always be this way, but for now, I am truly grateful for even the little things that I am learning every day.
8/09 - Gardens & Dragons IV
Today I had another dr appt. I went in really sore and literally got the "hammer" on my sore spots and where muscles and vertebrae were out of place. I also got acupuncture done on my feet - specifically pressure points for sleep/dreaming in my toes and tops of my feet - BIG OUCH. He nailed the pressure points so right on today that my legs were trembling before he had even finished putting in the needles. Dr Meyers also plays a CD of music that his wife is working on producing. Very Asian sounding, soulful, soft. This music has never ceased to produce very vivid images for me, and today even though the images were broken and flashed by in pieces, they were there.
When the images started I was starting to see the garden. Specifically the gazeebo where the musicians were playing the music I was listening to. It was hard to see their faces today, or even any more details than seeing their hands playing the piano and flute.
The next image that flashed into place was me standing barefoot on the black pebble path. I could see myself looking down at my feet, and worrying "oh, no, not again" (as you recall, my last barefoot walk was very painful) As I continued to look at my feet I suddenly saw Preston's boots, he was standing beside me, holding my hand tightly. I tried to take a step, but found I couldnt move at all. Suddenly I was standing on Preston's boots. I was facing him, with his arms holding me tightly and as I looked down, my feet were securely on top of his boots. He held me tightly, I rested my head on his shoulder, and he did the walking for the both of us. I would occasionally look down at our feet, I couldnt see or feel us moving, but I knew that we were.
We were walking towards the white dragon, who was laying across the entryway of garden. I just got small glimpses of him, but I knew that was where we were going.
When we got close enough, I saw that the white dragon was holding a pair of boots that looked just like Preston's beige colored army boots - the same boots from before. He was holding them out to me. The next image jumped forward and I was sitting on the red blanket on the ground, and I was putting on the boots, just as if it were an every day thing. The next image jumped forward again and Preston was kneeling in front of me, lacing the boots for me. I was still sitting on the blanket and I looked over towards the white dragon who nodded his head and smiled at me. Suddenly I was standing and preston was facing me and smiling at me too. Then I looked over towards the entryway of the garden - the black dragon was there on the other side of the archway staring at me. His black, obsidian eyes staring directly into my eyes, into me. I couldnt look away, and seemed to be frozen in place. Then the white dragon stood up and blocked the black dragon from my view. I looked at him and he nodded at me again. When I looked back out the archway the black dragon was gone and I could look out at the softly rolling sea, at the spice colored beach, the quiet lapping waves.
My legs had been shaking this whole entire time, and I was feeling exhausted from all of it. Just then the nurse came in to take out the needles - I was still shaking and freaked her out a bit until I told her this was a normal reaction (not dr meyers normal nurse). She let me stay and rest for a bit longer. I remember more images coming, but cant see them now to write about them. The one thing that was very significant though, was that I could feel the boot laces across my feet and up my ankles - just as if I was wearing the boots right there in the room. The laces felt tightest right across where the needles had just been. It took me a bit longer after that to stop shaking and to stretch and relax enough to leave. Even in coming back to the "here and now" I could still feel the laces of the boots. It is like I am wearing the boots, they are heavy and a bit akward, but really there somehow.
The scriptures keep running through my mind in pieces - shod your feet with the armor of the Lord....and his feet shall be shod.....just cant seem to come up with either scripture completely...will have to take some time to see if I can find them.
8/09 - I AM
Today Wendy came to help work on kidney/liver meridians which are all out of whack again. Pressure points were mostly in my feet and were killer today. She was trying to help focus on sleep points which are also totally horrible. She also consulted some Chinese research and we found out that food choices, though they seemed good at the time, totally threw me off track and caused some major issues with my body.
I was really struggling at first, the pain almost unbearable. It was close to when we were just about done that things happened. I didnt see any images today. I was feeling that it was my fault, that I wasnt worthy to receive them. Things were just different today, I didnt see, but I did hear, which I have never done before.
Wendy was working on some really deep points, and I was already struggling before she started, so I was not handling things at all. I just couldnt do it, I didnt have the physical energy and was sobbing uncontrollably. Crying out for help from the white dragon today, and feeling the almost instant relief from the pain, listening to Wendy tell me to "ask and recieve" - ask for help, take the help that is offered from her and the white dragon, allow myself to believe I am worthy of the help, filled most of the session today.
Also, during those times when it was the hardest, I kept going back to the scripture she had assigned - 1 Nephi 3:7 - "go & do", "he will prepare a way" - last night my personal thoughts/notes in my scriptures didnt seem enough, today they ran over and over in my brain:
1) "Go & Do.." - faith without works is dead. We cannot grow spiritually without action/experiences on our end to help those things to grow. We must walk through dark to get to the light.
2) "He will prepare a way..." If you are asked to go, there WILL be a way to do it
3) God is in charge
Wendy also did some deep massage, not pressure points, but just heavy massage on my back. That is when I heard the deep, strong voice. The repeated phrase was "I AM". The scriptures poured through my head "I am the light and the life and the truth", "Straight is the way and narrow is the gate", "I am the great I am". The voice was strong, and loud - not screaming - but insistent and powerful. "I AM. I created the smallest blade of grass, the thundering clouds, the rain. I created all of these, I have the power to do all things. I know of your fear, I know of your pain. "I WILL bring your girls home safely" (side note, I have been VERY freaked about their safety when I found out they were going to be alone in CA and having to change planes in a 2nd airport by themselves)
"I have great things for them to do, I WILL bring them home. You cannot protect them or be with them all the time, but I can. I will always be with them, I will always be with you." (By now you can guess that I was sobbing)
"You MUST trust and believe it. You MUST trust and believe. Belive, believe."
I know there was more....I will have to add more later as I can get it to come back more clearly. It seems to fade so fast, I just dont hold things as well as I would like to.
Wendy had given me a bear hug during this time and I was still crying hard. Slowly, though, I began to quiet and calm down, almost melting into the rug. I felt a quiet, cool feeling inside. It really is hard to describe. I had a hard time sitting up, the exhaustion was heavy. Wendy asked about how I was feeling (during the session one of the pressure points sent on overwhelming heat through my whole body and another point, trying to balance things, sent me into a cold chill, my body just didnt know what to do) I was feeling much better, still warm, but able to manage ok. She knew something had happened, she knew that she had again heard a voice, but what had happened to me? When I told her, she told me she had heard the same thing. "I AM" was loud and clear, to both of us. We talked through things some more, her reassuring me, we talked more about scripture stories - esp Moses, as that is where "I AM" that was in my brain was referencing.
While we were talking I heard a rushing sound - the sky had opened up and it was pouring outside. It sounded wonderful to me, so comforting. Wendy then told me a VERY funny story and when I looked again, it was like a faucet had been turned off, and the rain had stopped. Laughter had helped to heal and add closure to today.
I am feeling better. Much more calm, and very tired. It will take some time for me to continue to think about what happened today. I may come back and add more details as I remember them.
8/09 - Celtic Concert
Preston & I got to take the boys and kels to see a favorite Celtic group of ours - Golden Bough. We had so much fun having a picnic (McD's) at the park and watching the concert. The boys also enjoyed having preston there so they could let the frisbees fly and have time to just run around. Preston was great to spend time with the boys and about taking Kels when she wanted to be held (I was just too tired). The boys loved the music, esp caiden who recognized several of their songs from CD's we already have. he was bummed they didnt play his favorite song though. There were several "sing along" songs on the programs and the boys thought that was tons of fun to sing and clap to the music.
I was thankful to do ok. I havent been getting out at all since we have been home, and I have struggled with large crowds & noise. I did well, and was able to enjoy the music, being outside and having time with preston and the kids. Even Preston noticed I was doing ok when we were talking and all of a sudden he said "is that a smile?" - it made him happy that I was happy. We were missing the girls though, esp when they did Kaeli's favorite song. We called the girls and got their voicemail, so I just held up the song for a couple of verses and chorus and left it with my message. The girls loved that. It will be fun to open the new CD when they get home so we can all enjoy it together.
It was a nice night for us to enjoy fun music and just being together. I am glad that we took that time that has been very needed after such a challenging week
8/09 - Gardens & Dragons III
Today Wendy came again to work on specific pressure points in my feet. The images came quickly today, though they did not stay as long as they have in the past.
As Wendy was working on my feet I saw myself walking on the path in the garden - in bare feet. The path is made of smooth, almost polished, black, round rocks. Even though they seemed to be soft enough to walk on, they werent. It was very painful, and today I could hear them rubbing together as I tried to walk across them. My legs and feet shook as I tried to walk down the path. As Wendy asked for descriptions of what I was seeing, I found I was not alone after all, but that Preston was walking on the path beside me, tightly holding my hand. When I looked down at his feet, I started to laugh, he was wearing his beige army combat boots. (Preston has very sensitive feet, so it was not a surprise, but was funny)
As I continued to walk on the path, physically I was shaking, the pain of walking on the path was very real. As I walked, I was moving towards the white dragon who was laying/keeping guard in front of the wall archway. As I walked, the path opened onto beige colored, sharp, small rocks - almost if they were pieces of the wall when it had crumbled before. The pain was unbelivable.
(side note - I NEVER wear shoes unless I absolutely have to, I have always thought I have pretty tough feet, and normally wouldnt even blink at ground like this)
I kept shaking my feet, turning or lifting them physically as I was seeing myself try to walk on my heels or outside edges in the images.
As Wendy continued to work on specific points she also prompted me with words, what was I seeing? Try to see myself handing over more burdens/details to the white dragon. When I looked I saw that Preston had been carrying large crates and bags beside me. It was hard for me, to me there was no more room to add any more. Wendy reassured me there was always more room, the white dragon was big, and if there wasnt more room he would just flame them to make more room. As we were talking/working, we started talking about Preston's shoes, and my still bare feet that continued to be in pain. She talked about putting on shoes - putting on the armor of God. I needed to put on shoes. This was also very hard. I tried to see myself with shoes on - sandals, flip flops, others, but nothing seemed right.
Wendy asked me to look at the dragon. What did I see. It was hard for me to believe what I saw - the white dragon holding another pair of preston's army boots in his mouth. They didnt seem right to me either, and I really struggled.
I was standing by the white dragon now, with Preston beside me. At Wendy's insistence, I painfully made my way across the rocky ground towards the white dragon's head. I could see his eyes were kind, encouraging, but it was very difficult to even go that short distance. When I finally got there, I found I could not take the boots. I just stood there for what seemed like the longest time. Finally, with Wendy insisting, working on pressure points, I saw my arm reach out, it was shaking and I found it hard to control it. I did finally reach out and take the boots and held them in my arms. I was surprised when the white dragon reached over with his nosed and gently nudged me, His soft, warm breath on my arms. As his nose touched my arms, it was like he was pushing them towards me, gently, but also insistently. I held the boots tighter. I found that I could not visualize the boots on my feet, even with Wendy encouraging me. I just stood there with them. When I finally could sit down, the images suddenly stopped and I was just there in the library again.
I found myself completely exhausted again, and just lay on the rug for quite awhile before I could sit up. As I was laying there more images came. I saw myself laying on a soft red blanket next to the white dragon. I was in the same position I was in on the rug. The boots were still not on my feet, but sitting on the blanket next to me.
Wendy worked on some more pressure points on my head, face, and shoulders. We also talked for awhile about lessons learned from today. Right now, I am having a hard time recalling the conversation we had. Maybe because as we were talking, working on things I had something else happen.
I felt my chest grow very tight - to the point that it felt like a rock or somehthing heavy was on my chest, it hurt so bad, and I found I could not breathe at all. Wendy helped me work through it, helping me to find the white dragon, to help me see myself reach in and take the rock from inside my chest and hand it to him. It was so hard, even now I feel my chest tighten at the rememberance of the pain. I tried extra hard to see myself take the rock. Eventually I was able to take the rock out of me, and place it with all the other crates and bags on his back. I was left feeling like I had a hole in my chest, it was empty. I also had the strange sensation of a cool breeze blowing right through my chest. Wendy was surprised at the way I described the "wind" as the points she had been working on were known to be associated with wind. (she rarely tells me about points she works on, unless I ask, or I make a comment that prompts her to tell me more specs)
We talked then of the "rushing wind" described in many places in the scriptures. That the word and voice of God, even if not heard, has been described in this way. I told her the wind was cold. She told me then that she could see/hear the black dragon throwing a hissy fit on the other side of the archway (I had not seen the black dragon at all, but the white dragon had been laying across that same spot, blocking my view out) She said the cold of the rushing wind was the white dragon talking harshly to the black dragon. The cold was not directed at me, but I was in the middle to feel it. It wasnt bad, just different. I could look back then and see another image - the white dragon gently blowing into my face, blowing my hair back, but his breath was warm and gentle. I could see the difference..even if i couldnt get my brain to wrap around it all.
Before Wendy left she encouraged me to reach out a bit further today, even after I had already worked so hard. She sat with me as I said a grateful prayer out loud. That was SO hard, intense feelings of unworthiness and undeserving keep me from doing anything spiritual. I was a wet, snotty mess by the time I was done - it was kind of gross. It amazes me that wendy/preston are just about the only 2 people I let see me at my absolute worst...how they can ever stand it is beyond me....
We talked some more and then Wendy offered to send me a scripture to work on - just one for today, for the weekend. Something to keep me going in the right direction until we work on things Monday. 1 Nephi 3:7 is my "homework" for now.
I am not sure that my brain has really retained, remembered everything from today. There is much I cannot bring to the front of my brain from our conversations today, from our discussion of lessons learned....that is frustrating. I am still very tired from the experience, and that may be part of why things are not coming back at all. Hopefully as I keep working on things, they will come back and I can write more then.
8/09 - Groovin' Girl
Kelsianne LOVES music. She really gets the hang of things too when she hears any music. She isnt just random, she can follow the rhythms. Last night we were watching a new movie and the end credits were accompanied by some fun, bouncy music. Kels just stopped what she was doing and started wagging her hips back and forth to the music. Her hands were in the air to, almost with pointy fingers. It was pretty funny to watch her dancing. Wish I would have had the video camera to capture it, maybe next time.
8/09 - Gardens & Dragons II
While on vacation I had some really rough days and struggled with health and depression. It seemed that on those days the garden was in ruins, empty, barren of any color or life. The waves of the sea in turmoil and crashing against the walls of the garden, knocking them to rubble.
After we arrived home I totally crashed and found I felt very alone, empty. I also had the nightmare on my worst day that the black dragon was in the garden. He flamed the trees black, and scorched the grass. His piercing eyes were as black as polished obsidian, staring me in the face. His black fangs bared, his scales as black as ebony. His tail the shape of a spade, and seraded like a sharks tooth. He was right in my face at my loneliest hour, menacing and ferocious.
The next day Wendy came to help me work on things, and pushed me HARD. The experience, again, was beyond my imagination and more real than I can ever describe.
I was still in "crash" mode and suffering greatly. As Wendy worked on specific pressure points, even getting into points with extra tools, the images started to come again, along with uncontrollable emotions and almost unbearable pain.
I was very alone in the ruined garden, and so was the black dragon. As we kept working on things Wendy and Preston appeared, bearing swords and shields. The black dragon seemed confused as he turned to face them, but kept swinging his head back to look at me, and kept his tail lashing back and forth at me. The white dragon suddenly appeared behind Wendy and Preston. The black dragon flamed and clawed at them as his tail thrashed at me. As suddenly as the others appeared, the black dragon disappeared. The 3 of them stood there, and I fell to a heap on the groud, sobbing uncontrollably (which is what I was physically doing by this time from the pain and the vivid imagery). Wendy kept encouraging me to look at Preston or the dragon, but I couldnt. I was in such deep despair that I felt overwhelmed with the feelings of being unworthy and undeserving.
(side note - When I have these images appear, they are not from my viewpoint, it is like I am a 3rd person watching, and yet also IN the dream)
I looked at myself laying in a heap on the ground, and yet I felt myself curled up too. As I watched, I saw Preston come over and kneel beside me and gently take my hand. I still could not look up at him from the curled up position, but I could see that he was crying - hard, like I was. My guilt flowed even more then. I have never seen Preston cry, and yet there he was kneeling beside me with tears flowing down his face. I felt it was my fault, if I wasnt sick, he wouldnt be hurt and crying. That took a lot of doing on Wendy's part to get that out of my brain. During this time I could still see the black dragon (now on the outside of the wall/archway) staring at me with those piercing eyes and I could physically hear him tell me that, no matter what Wendy said, that she was lying to me.
I still could not look directly at the white dragon either. I could see that He had moved himself in front of the archway. The wall was now standing strong, its creamy color standing out brightly against the black sky and the invisible barrier back in the archway. The waves continued to crash against the wall, but did no damage. As I watched, the white dragon moved himself completely across the open archway and extended his wings to totally block the black dragon from my view.
During this time Wendy was still working on deep pressure points and talking to me. I cannot remember really much of anything she said, I do remember the horrible pain of the pressure points and that she would not give in until I verbally worked on those points with her. That was VERY hard. At this point I was physically/emotionally/spiritually struggling. I could not fight past the guilt, pain and self-condemnation of feeling eternally unworthy and undeserving. Wendy was fiercely telling me I was worth it, I was deserving. She told me to look at the white dragon, to ask Him. I was a mess, but saw His face briefly, and in that one moment I saw Him nod and seemed to almost be smiling. The next thing I knew Wendy practically body slammed me, holding me (I was completely hysterical physically) and in my vision the white dragon had come over and wrapped himself around Preston and I - Preston was holding me tightly in his arms too. Wendy asked me what the white dragon was doing, and when I told her I was being held by Preston with the white dragon wrapped around both of us she was as blown away as I was.
As I started to quiet down I physically felt myself relax and melt into the rug. Wendy moved to work on some more pressure points. I could see myself in Preston's arms, with the white dragon laying on the ground, wrapped around us. I also looked towards the archway and saw that Wendy was standing guard there. I also saw the black dragon throwing a complete hissy fit, flaming and screaming, and clawing at the barrier in the archway.
(another side note - all of my visions/dreams are SILENT - I can see every detail, but not hear a sound, ever. The visual at times were louder than words. It was interesting to find out that Wendy & I were so connected through this experience that she could HEAR everything I was describing, even down to the difference in the dragon's voices, pretty amazing)
As we continued to work on pressure points, I watched as crates and large fabric sacks started to appear on the white dragon's back - my visual of giving things over to the Savior to carry. During this same time of working on forgiving, giving away, I noticed that another person had joined us - me when I was about 5-6 years old. Preston was holding me, and I was holding the little bitty me on my lap, stroking her hair, holding her close to give her comfort, and the white dragon still wrapped around all of us. That was a surprise to me, to see me holding me, and yet it felt exactly right.
The crates and bags continued to pile up on the white dragon's back. By now I was physically much more calm and quiet. The empty, gaping hole that we started with was filled with quiet and calm. I wouldnt use the word peaceful or warm, but I felt filled inside, no longer alone.
One of the last things I remember seeing before the vision ended was that there were more guards by the archway - my 3 oldest kiddos - but they weren't kiddos - they were adults. Bearing swords and shields and wearing helmets. I was really taken back, esp to see Caiden standing there as a grown adult - still with coppery red hair, freckles, and the impish smile he gets when he is really laughing. I had a hard time understanding this one. I had a hard time beliving what I was seeing. How could I see my kiddos all grown up? Wendy didnt even blink, knowing where these visions had come from, knowing that I have been given them as a gift, knowing that He knows what they look like as adults, why couldnt He show me that too? She never stop to amaze me with her great faith.
I continued watching for a bit longer, not really seeing any more of the garden except that the wall was intact and standing strong. I could physically feel Preston's arms around me, I felt so quieted by then that I saw myself starting to fall asleep with him holding me. The white dragon was also still there, also still wrapped around us. Slowly the images faded and I came back to now.
I was not expecting the complete and profound exhaustion I felt, or how much time had gone by so quickly (2 hours). So much that I couldnt even sit up, and when I did, I had to lean back against the couch. Now I think I know a little bit closer how the prophet Joseph must have felt that 1st time in the grove, exhausted from such an incredible experience that it was beyond physical abilities to process.
Wendy & I chatted a littel more and she made sure I was ok and stable enough before she left. The main thing she stressed was that I keep my eyes on the white dragon.
Again, the experience was very real. Images that continue to stay with me. I find it a bit easier as time continues to go by, that I can look at and see the white dragon's face. His eyes are kind and his smile is soft, it is there to see.
(as another side note - wendy came again Wed and worked on some more deep muscle massage, our session, including a very long talk about the atonement, lasted 3 hours. I found the rest of the day much more calm and I even slept for an entire night! It seems sometimes our time is a physical battle, the pain seems more than I can bear, the inner struggles and burdens more than I can ever be allowed to relinquish, and yet today I KNOW that I am doing better, I can handle a little more, I can do a little more, I feel like I want to open and read my scriptures (havent felt that way for months) and not feel like I will only take away guilt or condemnation. I KNOW what has been accomplished and that I am healing, even if it is just a little bit. I know there is still a long way to go, that there will prob be more rough days, and more intense sessions, but moving forward in mm, or even staying in holding pattern is progress, right?)
7/09 - Gardens & Dragons I
I have been seeing a new dr who also is licensed in acupuncture. My 1st appt was very difficult and then the dr office had to cancel another appt, so it had been about a month between my appts. My last acupuncture appt ended up being an intensive session in which alot happened. Thankfully Wendy was able to come to that appt with me. I should have written about this a month ago, when the images were much more clear. I will try to remember as much as possible.
Much has been forgotten, the vivid images have faded, hopefully I can write down things that were most important.
This session was to help balance internal/external "dragons" - the chinese view is that we have good and bad "dragons" within us that need to find balance/harmony in order to be healthy. Dr Meyers has this awesome asian music that he plays during sessions for me - music actually done by his wife and a family friend. This music has brought on very vivid images for me and this appt was even more so. The acupuncture was very intense, hitting many points that have been difficult. After the session Dr Meyers usually leaves me to rest and leave on my own - except that I wasnt able to leave because I had a very unexpected and intense reaction to the session.
My body shook uncontrollably and I had actually SEEN the dragons in the garden. The music had brought on very real visions of a large black and a large white dragon. I was in the garden, in a heap on the ground, overcome by deep sadness. The white dragon appeared in the garden also, white scales shining brightly, and magnificent wings outstretched. He stood in front of the large archway in the wall that surrounded the garden. Directly mirrored on the other side of the archway was the black dragon. They both stood, just staring at each other, with an invisible barrier in the archway between them. The white dragon put himself between me and the black dragon, turning towards me. I cannot even begin to describe his face, it was not like any pict of any dragon that I have ever seen. I do remember his eyes being very kind and when he smiled at me, it was unlike anything I had ever felt. When I looked towards the black dragon he was clawing and screaming on the other side of the archway. I also was blown away to see warriors standing on the top of the wall - in previous scenes/appts there was a solid white light reaching to the sky - but these great warriors reminded me of all the descriptions in the scriptures of muscled stripling warriors. I was still in a heap on the ground far from the gate, it has often been difficult for me to feel worthy or deserving of gospel blessings, let alone the atonement or the savior. I was filled with deep sorrow, regret and pain, and yet I saw the white dragon walk towards me on the path. He came and lay down and wrapped himself around me. I felt great warmth, and something that filled me entirely - filled the empty, gaping hole that was inside me. His great tail wrapped around me, and his wings folded around me. I was crying pretty much hysterically through this whole thing, it was so real. Eventually I settled down, quieted, and saw myself fall asleep there in the warmth surrounding me. I was physically starting to settle myself.
When I looked up again, I was still quietly sleeping on the grass by the large pond in the middle of the garden, and the white dragon had moved and was laying in front of the archway. Every once in awhile he would look over at me, and then just lay his head back down. He was guarding the entry to the garden, but was able to do it from a distance since I was finally quiet. The black dragon had flown away and there was only quiet. Through all of this, I was writhing, shaking, crying hysterically. Wendy was there talking me through the whole thing, helping me to find the strength to continue to tell of the things that I was seeing, helping me to KNOW who was in the garden with me, who was there protecting me, helping me to work through the pain and the images until I was finally physically calm and quiet.
It took 2 hours, and multiple checks by one of the nurses before I was calm and stable enough to leave.
It was amazing, and still unfathomable to me, that the savior was actually there, in the form of a magnificent white dragon. The visions are like a memory and like a dream, I know they really happened, what I really saw, and yet it seems unreal at the same time, just beyond my touch, but something I will never forget
6/09 - MANNA FROM HEAVEN
This has come in 2 fold in the last couple of days. Yesterday a sweet sister from the ward, who I havent really gotten to know yet, showed up at my door with "I brought you dinner, can I bring it in?" I had had another pretty bad day, complete with extreme fatigue and tears for no apparent reason. I had tried eating all day with everything tasting extra yucky, no matter what I tried. This sweet sister brought beef stew and WARM, homemade bread. It couldnt have been a greater blessing, to me and our family. We have been living on leftovers and "quick fix" meals (pasta, quesadillas, PB apples, etc) The soup was hot and hearty and the bread was indeed heavenly. It was enjoyed so much that the whole loaf disappeared in minutes! It also was the one meal that actually tasted good too! This dear sister had no idea that this was a need for me, for our family. She left with hugs and offers to help again if we need it. She has truly touched my heart and has been an angel sent just for me.
The 2nd part of the manna was an appt to a new specialist. Today at my appt we continued to talk about my energy levels - and how it has seemed in the last week, esp, that I have had sufficient energy levels to meet the needs of my family and events. Not any more energy, not extra, but just enough. I had been thinking about my friend filling our need with a hot meal, not exorbant, just enough - feeling that the wonderful bread she had lovingly made just for us was manna from heaven. Just after that my specialist compared my energy levels to manna from heaven - just enough, being provided to fill an immediate need, knowing needs for tomorrow will be met tomorrow - whether that is more or less than today - but that it would be filled.
I have been reminded to ackowledge His hand in all things, today I am extra grateful for needs being filled and know that even though I dont understand it, and even though I feel discontent vs disconnect, that somehow I am watched over and things will be ok.
6/09 - ABC's
One of the new relaxation techniques I am learning is to do some deep breathing along with saying the ABC's - or a word for every letter of the alphabet. I have found that if I keep each word to one syllable that the repetition does help me to relax and has esp helped in going back to sleep after being woken up during the night. I will keep working with it, along with possibly adding music to the pattern.
6/09 - Relaxation Music & Visualization Techniques
Yesterday I had my first acupuncture (sp?) appt with my new dr. I think that everyone who has told me that I will "love it" and it is "sooo relaxing" is slightly crazy - ok, I think they are ALOT crazy. Being told by my dr "oh, by the way, this IS painful, just so you know...." was for sure not encouraging. Unfortunately, he was right. I truly was grateful for the Asian-type music that he played to help me relax and the ability to use visualization techniques (thanx Marilyn) during the whole procedure. I was able to visualize a beautiful Asian garden, complete with a large pond and trees heavy with delicate pink blossoms. In the middle of the pond was a gazeebo and beautiful Asian musicians playing the instruments I heard in the music. During the visualization it rained, and I heard and smelled the rain-heavy wind. I also took a walk outside the garden onto a dark-sand beach with the soft sound of waves and birds, and music reaching out through the gate like ribbon tendrils. I was able to surround myself with earth-toned beauty of sea and mountain, music and blossoms. I am truly grateful I was able to escape - it will be a much needed tool for future appts.....
6/09 - Friends & Food - This last couple of weeks have been really full and really hard - esp with me AND the boys being so sick. Last week I got a message on my cell phone in the middle of Costco that my babysitter was informing me that I was not to fix dinner and to tell my girls not to either and that when I came to pick up the kids that I would have a hot dinner waiting. That day was SO full, and the thoughtful gesture made me cry - right there in the middle of Costco....It was a great blessing to our family for that day and throughout the week. Yesterday I was not doing well, another one of those days where I am so weak all I can do is lay in the chair and let the kids picnic in front of the TV. I got a call from another friend informing she was at McD's and that she was bringing us lunch. She took our order and refused to let me pay for anything. She helped me get the boys set up with a picnic in the TV room and then sat with me in the library for just a few minutes. She was off and running again back to the school. She had thought about us and couldnt even stay herself. I know the boys loved the treat of McD's and the choc chip cookies she brought too. I loved that someone thought about me and knew our needs even when I never called. She seems to do that alot lately. I am truly grateful for friends who have filled our needs without even knowing we had them.
5/09 - Take A Drive
There is a road in Corvallis that we always drive past and I have always wondered where it went, if it met up with another road that I was thinking of. My specialist appt Monday was hard and it was recommended for me to take some breathing room to find a "moment", even if that meant extra time just for me. I took that advice and drove that road to see where it went. I was not disappointed. It led straight up into the hills. I drove up a winding "mountain" road surrounded by thick forest. As I continued to drive I started to pass VERY large, VERY expensive homes and yards plopped right in the middle of the wild, thick forest around me. When I came to a "dead end" sign I just kept on driving. The road continued to wind higher and higher and finally stopped at a home at the top of the ridge. The house was gorgeous and had the exterior walls, top to bottom, paneled in large windows - and for good reason. Above me was more thick forest and the largest rhoddie tree I have ever seen! Below me was the most breathtaking sight I have seen in some time. Forest land in every shade of green as far as I could see. Distant mountains in shades of blue and gray. Large areas of farm land that looked like a patchwork quilt. Mountain ranges on both edges of the valley. It really was so amazing and so refreshing. Taking that "moment" and having that sight to remember made all the difference in a very long, very chaotic day. I am glad that I took that time just for me, just for that one moment.
5/09 - Colton
I had a really hard day a couple days ago. I was so sick/weak that every tiny thing was very difficult. It was so hard I could barely care for myself/little people. Late that afternoon I was still sitting in our green recliner chair when Colton came over to ask me if I was sick. I told him that I was and he asked me if I needed a kiss - our kiddos' remedy to every ailment - and he gave me one on my cheek. It was so spontaneous and thoughtful of him, and so very sweet. It was the one tiny moment of light in a very difficult day and it will always be a sweet memory.
5/09 - Kelsianne
Our little Miss is growing like a weed. As she is growing, she is also becoming very verbal. She is constantly chattering and "talking", and has to be a part of everything that is going on around her. The other day Preston was holding her on his lap and we were just chatting about some calendaring items. All of a sudden she started jabbering away at me, and him, with hands flying and pointing and exaggerating the point she was obviously trying to make. She had to make sure she was just as much a part of the conversation as we were. It made both of us laugh at how silly and fun Kels was. She is so animated, it makes me wonder if she is going to be even more of a drama queen than others in our house - she seems to be on that path already - that could lead to some adventurous days in the future!
5/09 - Colton
We recently took our kiddos to a REAL movie. The kids really enjoyed it for the most part, except for Colton in one scene. The 2 main characters suddenly kissed each other - the scene itself and the theater were exceptionally quiet - except for my son who let out a very loud "EEEEEWWWWWW!" It was the spontaneous and unexpected reaction from my 6 year old that resulted in the entire theater erupting in loud laughter. I was so surprised that I couldnt stop laughing, even to the point of tears running down my face. I havent been able to laugh like that for months. Leave it to my little guy to turn a moment into such a joyous one!
5/09 - Colton
Colton has been really struggling at school, and we have been struggling with the schedule and help we feel he is still not getting there. Wed he had a particularly bad day so yesterday he came down all dressed and ready to go and I told him he wasnt going to school. I was in the office and he was in the doorway - he dropped his shoes on the floor, got the saddest look you could ever see on a person, and the tears started to flow. He was feeling so sad that he even leaned his head against the wall and just sobbed....
Between rolling my eyes, and trying not to laugh too hard, I relented. How could I not after all of that...he went to school.
5/09 - Colton
Ceana has been given a silly nickname at school. This is also the nickname she has chosen to use for our family Wii. The other day when Ceana arrived home from school, Colton hollered "Hi, Happy Samich!" It made us all laugh - and it was my one moment of light in a very dark day.
5/09 - Colton
We had our schedule turn upside down and travel plans changed at the last minute. Since we were in Corvallis, Preston agreed to go to lunch with us for a break between chaos and chaos. Colton had finished his meal and was enjoying his ice cream when all of a sudden he stood up next to his chair with his breath all sucked in and a very odd look on his face. Suddenly he said "that's COLD!" - he had taken too big of a bite and had given himself a "brain freeze". It made all of us chuckle. Colton then finished his ice cream - using baby bites
5/09 - Ky
Ky has a favorite blanket that has Curious George panels on it. He drags it around with him about as much as he does his 2 favorite CARS (Lightning & Sally). He has been sick this last week and also had his birthday check up. "George" went with us and was dragged along the ground, through the dr office and the restaurant. When we got home "George", along with his new Superman PJ's went into the washer. All of the kids have hated seeing their blankies go into the washer - but Ky goes balistic. I had to tell him "george" needed a bath - and his reply was "I dont want george have a bubble bath" and proceeded to scream. When "george" finally came out of the dryer, Ky was ecstatic - "Oh, George!" and then "HOT!" (which it was, it had just come out of the dryer). The look on Ky's face and the way he snuggled "george" in his arms was enough for me. Crazy kid, he can always make me smile.
5/09
Today's moment was just "noticing" I am already struggling enough that any expended energy for positive emotion is not happening. We have several bunches of Calla (Easter) Lilies in our front yard. Today I noticed that 2 bunches have multiple blooms on them, and 2 more are getting ready to bloom. When I was last outside 2 bunches only had one bloom - and that was less than a week ago....
They have a simple beauty and yet are so amazing (not the word I want, but it will have to do for today). Their beauty brings the kids joy every day when they come home. They have been a great gift for our family to enjoy.
