After a very short night (less than 4 hrs off and on) I got up at 6am with a slight pinching on my right side. I didnt think anything of it, figuring I had slept in a funny position.
By 7am the pain was so piercing that I was severely nauseated and in a heap on the rug, unable to move or think past the pain....Stupid rocks.
Thankfully Preston was still home with us this morning when all this was happening. He was able to hunt down my heavy duty medications and help the little boys get ready for school.
When the meds finally started working enough for me to move I climbed into an extra hot bath to try and relax the muscles and get heat on the worst areas. Preston took the boys to school for me.
I spent most of the day feeling very drugged and spent my time alternating between helping Ky & Kels and laying on the couch.
I think I passed the stone sometime today, though I never saw it. It must have been fairly large, as far as stones go for me, because my back is very sore and feels bruised. I am completely exhausted after trying to get through the pain and meds and caring for little people all day.
Apparently being off city water really was making a difference. Even though I passed stones through the whole pregnancy with Kels, they were small and mostly painless. Today was back to what we have been through all along being on the city water - which is filled with high levels of calcium and phosphates that my body cant tolerate.
I think I had Preston in quite a state again today - esp knowing he couldnt be home at all to help me (he had work, drill, and is giving a presentation at OSU). This morning when he left I was in the same state of mind, not knowing what the day would bring. He has been concerned enough that he spent some of his time today looking into getting commerically bottled water in the house again. (we just discontinued our service trying to re-group all of our finances).
It seems it has made a big enough difference to my health after all. I hate to put that much $ out again, knowing that we are trying to cut out all of our extras to conserve finances, but it really might be the best option vs what we went through today, and having to put even more $ into ER visits and possible surgery again, besides having to find a new doctor.
Stupid rocks....
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
GUILT & GRATITUDE
Blogging has become one of the joys of my life. It allows me to chat with friends far and near and share things about our lives and families with each other. It has also allowed me the opportunity to keep a journal more easily - something I have always struggled with. This is fair warning to anyone who happens to peruse my posts - Christy, this means you - that this post is my journal entry for today and it will NOT be pretty. Read at your own risk.
Satan is a crafty wretch. He can use guilt as one of his biggest tools to bring us down. He finds great pleasure in finding anyway he can to bring us down. He esp delights, I am sure, when he can nail you right in the middle of church when you are supposed to be feeling uplifted and peaceful. That being said and recognized, it doesnt make it any easier to do something about it - esp when the skies are gray-black, and it is freezing and rainy outside, and my husband has to physically walk in and turn my lightbox on and put meds on my fingers because I am so far gone today I cant do it for myself.....
Everything about today, and the last week, has SCREAMED at me that I am a failure. Getting to church was an ordeal in itself today, and leaving church screamed "dont let the door hit you on the way out, and BTW dont even think about walking through the door again unless you can keep your children under control and quiet as statues"
Guilt has overwhelmed me all week about all the things I am not doing, not been able to do, not looking like I will do anytime soon. These are the things that I am struggling with -
1) Not having time or energy to even make a cake for my daughter's birthday. A good friend made a special cake for her at my request so Ce would at least have a homemade cake
2) I have no energy, time or desire to even think about participating in the family weightloss thing - thereby putting all the extra pressure on preston to do more to try to win back $ we put into the "pot"
3) Sleep pretty much being non-existent, and when I am sleeping I am having horrible nightmares. This is leaving me even more drained to try to take care of home or kiddos
4) Feeling like every time that Preston & the kids walk out the door that they take a piece of me with them, leaving me feeling more anxious, stressed and worn out. By the time the pieces are put back together at night I am beyond mental or emotional strength to put the "puzzle" back together. I know this doesnt make any sense to anyone but me
5) Constantly craving sugar - and not being able to fight the rule of "dont treat the blues with a treat"
6) In caring for my family and home that I dont have the time/energy to attend all the school/community meetings that keep me "in the loop" that effect my family. There is a new universal park being constructed that really needs parent input-and there were no parents attending those meetings except for me. We also found out our district is seriously considering dropping all of the arts/music programs in our district and firing all of those teachers plus some.
Had I been attending school board meetings I would have been aware - again I was usually the only parent attending those meetings as well. The new school parent committe keeps contacting me and all I can tell them is "not right now". All of these things are SO important - and I am already spread so thin, or engulfed in "darkness" that I cannot get to them.
7) I am also worried about how things are going for Preston at work. He has had a project come back that needs some pretty major fixes and he has been spending all of his time working on them and finding more and more wrong. He hasnt even started on the work he went to colorado to pick up, and it may have been passed onto someone else now after all he did. He usually doesnt get bent out of shape about anything, but this project really has him worried - which in turn worries me. There is nothing I can do to help him at all, and that hurts too.
8) I feel like I am an ugly hag. I am not going to even talk about my weight. My eyes have huge dark circles under them because of not sleeping. I look like a walking zombie most of the time. I think that my hair has actually stopped growing -and it breaks off and falls out every time I brush it. No matter what I do with it, it never looks ok. I feel like I never want to go out in public, esp with preston or the kids, because I am afraid that I am a total embarassment to them because of the way I look. It makes me even less likely to even attempt to go out, esp on my bad days (which today has been)
There are so many other things I could write about, but I would be writing forever....
OK, so this started out with all the turmoil in my soul. I had to take a break to attend an extra meeting to represent Activities Committee. In that meeting the main talk was of planning and setting goals for the ward for the coming year. In the end I think the main goal was to help the ward focus on the "small and simple things" to strengthen our families - it seems to be a running theme already and it is only the end of January. We talked about maybe setting 3 goals that we can perfect over the next year - small, simple things, things that can be measured and tracked.
We also talked about keeping our eyes on the positive things, all the things that we are doing well, all the good that is happening.
I am sad that the gal I subbed for is sick, but I guess I was supposed to attend this meeting today to help me put things back into perspective....
I can become completely overwhelmed and pounded by all the things I am not, and cannot do right now. The weather doesnt help those feelings. I can try to remember to do small and simple things - no matter how small or simple - it is still moving in the right direction. Today the "nots" have really got me down, but tomorrow is a new day.
I can try to remember the blessing Preston recently gave me that told me to take things one day, one hour, even one minute at a time to help me get through each day. Today, I am only tracking minutes, maybe later or by tomorrow I might be able to track hours.
I can try to remember that even if all I do is change diapers and wash my hands 100 times in one day that I have cared for my 2 smallest children to keep them safe and comfortable. If I only do 1 load of laundry, the rest will wait. If I can keep all my kiddos in sacrament meeting together, and not have to take someone out or spend the whole of sacrament meeting with someone on time out, that is a great accomplishment, no matter what anyone else says or thinks.
I am doing my best to raise my small children. Others are done with that, and are good at doling out advice, or have forgotten what it is like when they get upset over little one's noise. I can try to do the best that I can and need to try hard not to let anyone else's opinions or comments make me feel guilty or horrible. That is hard for me to do - esp on my extra bad days - and those are the days I will need to try to take 1 minute at a time to get through those moments. Other people's comments can and do hurt, even unintentinally, but I need to do my best to not let Satan use them to hurt me. That is hard, I have lived almost my whole life being made to feel guilty about everything and anything, I have been pressured by others to do or be what they want. I have only recently in the last few years learned to stand up for myself and my family. I need to try to remember all the positive things I have done to reach that goal - I have done it in the past and I can do it now, or least I can keep trying to.
Remembering the positive and the good that can be accomplished, even a minute at a time, is moving in the right direction.
Satan is a crafty wretch. He can use guilt as one of his biggest tools to bring us down. He finds great pleasure in finding anyway he can to bring us down. He esp delights, I am sure, when he can nail you right in the middle of church when you are supposed to be feeling uplifted and peaceful. That being said and recognized, it doesnt make it any easier to do something about it - esp when the skies are gray-black, and it is freezing and rainy outside, and my husband has to physically walk in and turn my lightbox on and put meds on my fingers because I am so far gone today I cant do it for myself.....
Everything about today, and the last week, has SCREAMED at me that I am a failure. Getting to church was an ordeal in itself today, and leaving church screamed "dont let the door hit you on the way out, and BTW dont even think about walking through the door again unless you can keep your children under control and quiet as statues"
Guilt has overwhelmed me all week about all the things I am not doing, not been able to do, not looking like I will do anytime soon. These are the things that I am struggling with -
1) Not having time or energy to even make a cake for my daughter's birthday. A good friend made a special cake for her at my request so Ce would at least have a homemade cake
2) I have no energy, time or desire to even think about participating in the family weightloss thing - thereby putting all the extra pressure on preston to do more to try to win back $ we put into the "pot"
3) Sleep pretty much being non-existent, and when I am sleeping I am having horrible nightmares. This is leaving me even more drained to try to take care of home or kiddos
4) Feeling like every time that Preston & the kids walk out the door that they take a piece of me with them, leaving me feeling more anxious, stressed and worn out. By the time the pieces are put back together at night I am beyond mental or emotional strength to put the "puzzle" back together. I know this doesnt make any sense to anyone but me
5) Constantly craving sugar - and not being able to fight the rule of "dont treat the blues with a treat"
6) In caring for my family and home that I dont have the time/energy to attend all the school/community meetings that keep me "in the loop" that effect my family. There is a new universal park being constructed that really needs parent input-and there were no parents attending those meetings except for me. We also found out our district is seriously considering dropping all of the arts/music programs in our district and firing all of those teachers plus some.
Had I been attending school board meetings I would have been aware - again I was usually the only parent attending those meetings as well. The new school parent committe keeps contacting me and all I can tell them is "not right now". All of these things are SO important - and I am already spread so thin, or engulfed in "darkness" that I cannot get to them.
7) I am also worried about how things are going for Preston at work. He has had a project come back that needs some pretty major fixes and he has been spending all of his time working on them and finding more and more wrong. He hasnt even started on the work he went to colorado to pick up, and it may have been passed onto someone else now after all he did. He usually doesnt get bent out of shape about anything, but this project really has him worried - which in turn worries me. There is nothing I can do to help him at all, and that hurts too.
8) I feel like I am an ugly hag. I am not going to even talk about my weight. My eyes have huge dark circles under them because of not sleeping. I look like a walking zombie most of the time. I think that my hair has actually stopped growing -and it breaks off and falls out every time I brush it. No matter what I do with it, it never looks ok. I feel like I never want to go out in public, esp with preston or the kids, because I am afraid that I am a total embarassment to them because of the way I look. It makes me even less likely to even attempt to go out, esp on my bad days (which today has been)
There are so many other things I could write about, but I would be writing forever....
OK, so this started out with all the turmoil in my soul. I had to take a break to attend an extra meeting to represent Activities Committee. In that meeting the main talk was of planning and setting goals for the ward for the coming year. In the end I think the main goal was to help the ward focus on the "small and simple things" to strengthen our families - it seems to be a running theme already and it is only the end of January. We talked about maybe setting 3 goals that we can perfect over the next year - small, simple things, things that can be measured and tracked.
We also talked about keeping our eyes on the positive things, all the things that we are doing well, all the good that is happening.
I am sad that the gal I subbed for is sick, but I guess I was supposed to attend this meeting today to help me put things back into perspective....
I can become completely overwhelmed and pounded by all the things I am not, and cannot do right now. The weather doesnt help those feelings. I can try to remember to do small and simple things - no matter how small or simple - it is still moving in the right direction. Today the "nots" have really got me down, but tomorrow is a new day.
I can try to remember the blessing Preston recently gave me that told me to take things one day, one hour, even one minute at a time to help me get through each day. Today, I am only tracking minutes, maybe later or by tomorrow I might be able to track hours.
I can try to remember that even if all I do is change diapers and wash my hands 100 times in one day that I have cared for my 2 smallest children to keep them safe and comfortable. If I only do 1 load of laundry, the rest will wait. If I can keep all my kiddos in sacrament meeting together, and not have to take someone out or spend the whole of sacrament meeting with someone on time out, that is a great accomplishment, no matter what anyone else says or thinks.
I am doing my best to raise my small children. Others are done with that, and are good at doling out advice, or have forgotten what it is like when they get upset over little one's noise. I can try to do the best that I can and need to try hard not to let anyone else's opinions or comments make me feel guilty or horrible. That is hard for me to do - esp on my extra bad days - and those are the days I will need to try to take 1 minute at a time to get through those moments. Other people's comments can and do hurt, even unintentinally, but I need to do my best to not let Satan use them to hurt me. That is hard, I have lived almost my whole life being made to feel guilty about everything and anything, I have been pressured by others to do or be what they want. I have only recently in the last few years learned to stand up for myself and my family. I need to try to remember all the positive things I have done to reach that goal - I have done it in the past and I can do it now, or least I can keep trying to.
Remembering the positive and the good that can be accomplished, even a minute at a time, is moving in the right direction.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Front Page!
I was asked to send a press release to the local paper to advertize upcoming CERT training. Apparently the editor liked my writing style, because he put it on the FRONT PAGE of the paper! :+)
http://www.itemizerobserver.com/DIONews3.shtml
My first news story, and it's on page 1. Sweet!
Preston
http://www.itemizerobserver.com/DIONews3.shtml
My first news story, and it's on page 1. Sweet!
Preston
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
LOTS OF FUN
Read closely...this is how it works...
The Rules:
1. Be one of the first THREE bloggers to leave a comment on this post, which then entitles you to a handmade item from me.
2. Winners, you must post this challenge on your blog, meaning that you will Pay It Forward, creating a handmade gift for the first THREE bloggers who leave a comment on YOUR post about this giveaway!
3. The gift that you send to your Three Friends can be from any price range and you have 365 days to make/ship your item. This means you should be willing to maintain your blog at least until you receive your gift and have shipped your gifts. And, remember: It’s the Spirit and the Thought That Count!
4. When you receive your gift, please feel free to blog about it, sharing appropriate Linky Love!
If you are not one of the Top Three Commenters on this post, you can still play along. Please take the button and post it on your blog; start your own Pay It Forward chain, and encourage your blogging friends to do the same!
The Rules:
1. Be one of the first THREE bloggers to leave a comment on this post, which then entitles you to a handmade item from me.
2. Winners, you must post this challenge on your blog, meaning that you will Pay It Forward, creating a handmade gift for the first THREE bloggers who leave a comment on YOUR post about this giveaway!
3. The gift that you send to your Three Friends can be from any price range and you have 365 days to make/ship your item. This means you should be willing to maintain your blog at least until you receive your gift and have shipped your gifts. And, remember: It’s the Spirit and the Thought That Count!
4. When you receive your gift, please feel free to blog about it, sharing appropriate Linky Love!
If you are not one of the Top Three Commenters on this post, you can still play along. Please take the button and post it on your blog; start your own Pay It Forward chain, and encourage your blogging friends to do the same!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
TRUE LOVE
Awhile back I did a post about all the things I love about my kiddos. I had one thing for every year of age. I dont think my husband would care for me to share his age with everyone, although he probably cares less about that than I would - just one of those "guy" things. I have been struggling a lot lately and I kind of cornered him the other day to have him tell me how I show him I love him,what things I ever do for just him,why he still loves me. He has been so wonderful that I thought I would take time to do the same for him. I know I am truly the luckiest person in the whole world to have him and hope this list will tell him so.
1) He is kind and patient with me - ALL the time. No matter how emotional I get he is always so patient.
2) He stays calm and patient when he cuts the kids hair and nails - even when they are screaming hysterically while he does it. It is funny that they do scream, esp since the kids will only let him do these things for him, not me. He never even bats an eyelash during their fussing, which is probably why they let him do these things for him.
3) He has never been on the bandwagon about nicknames for the kids. They all have one - and he never uses them. Well recently he came up with one of his own for Kels - he has officially named her the "tubby princess". When I realized what he was calling her I had to laugh. She is a super chunk and he has always said she would be the little princess. He is her little princess and I think it is sweet that he thinks of her as such.
4) He takes time to help the kids with their homework - esp the girls. It is amazing to me that no matter what the girls bring home that he can help them. It usually ends up being play time for them too - I will hear them laughing which makes me happy to know he is helping them get through math stuff in a postive way.
5) He takes time to play games with the kids. Preston LOVES playing games and the kids have followed his example. It is their special time with him and it is great that he is always willing to find that time.
6) He works harder than just about any person I know. He had a big project go awry this week and he is doing everything he can to put it right, on top of work that he had to go all the way to Colorado last week to retrieve. He always gives his very best at work or in his unit. He is a wonderful example to me.
7) He serves with all his heart, might, mind and strength. Whenever he is asked to do something at church, or for bishop, or to help others he is always right there. He goes the extra mile to be sure things are done to the best of his ability. He also serves me and the kids. No matter what we may need he is always here for us.
8) He gives everything and expects nothing in return. He is a true example of how to give unconditional love. He never judges, he never fusses. He amazes me with this gift of love.
9) He is willing, and able, to do any house jobs that I might need help with. When he can be home he does his best to try to help where he can - with kiddos, house, whatever - all I have to do is ask, and more often than not I dont have to ask. He is a great example to the kids, and esp our boys, that helping share the responsibilities of our home is an important thing.
10) He can find anything, anywhere. Whether the kids need to look up something for school, or I need help finding photography stuff, no matter what it is - he can find it AND find the best price! He amazes me with this ability.
11) He is an awesome "techy". I am not technical in any way, shape or form - in fact that stuff frustrates me to no end. He calmly just rolls over on his office chair and says "let me help" or "if it bugs you, give it to me". He can figure out any software program, any complicated manual, dicipher any gobbedly-gook, design business cards and forms, and so much more that most others cant (esp me). He can understand it and find ways to show and teach me in a way that I can understand. He takes over the things he knows totally drive me bonkers just to keep me sane and to show how much he cares.
12) He runs errands for me. With photography stuff taking off - and the store in corvallis - he is always willing to run errands and help me any way he can. He also is willing to meet me at appointments to take care of kiddos when he can get away from work. He continues to give me help and support in any way he can, and does it happily, even though I can be so difficult sometimes.
13) He has inheirited his mom's "energizer bunny" genes. It seems that he can stay at something long after I am ready to call it quits. He goes and goes and gets so much accomplished. It is something I admire about both him and his mom.
14) He still looks at me as if I were 16, with great love shining in his eyes. I have even had others comment on how he looks at me - no matter where we are. I have a good friend that has esp noticed and commented to me about it several times. It amazes me that after all these years - and all the changes I have gone through after having so many kiddos, that he really still looks at me like he did when we just met. Pretty amazing.
15) He can still laugh like a little kid. When he is with the friends we grew up with I watch my grown husband turn into a little boy again. It is wonderful to hear him laughing and to watch him enjoy and renew those friendships. It isnt often I get to hear that laughter from him, so it is a special gift to me when I do. A big thank you to our dear friends from school who help give me that gift!
16) He dearly loves our children. When I asked him to tell me 10 things I have given him to show my love for him, the very first thing he said was "well, there are 6 right out there in the other room!" He takes special care with them to show them that he does love them - he plays, leads, helps discipline, tucks them in bed, reads them stories, plays games, plays piano, sings silly songs, and does so many little things to show them, and me, how dear they are to him. It is a true blessing in my life to know how much he does love them.
17) He can pack the van - no matter how much stuff we have. When we went to Utah in October we ended up doing some Christmas shopping - and then had to figure out how to get it all home. All I saw were stacks of stuff, everywhere, and most of it odd shaped or bulky. I thought for sure we would need to mail things home. Again, he used all those amazing skills of his, and got every last thing to fit into the van to bring home with us. He is incredible.
18) He can turn his hand to just about anything. Leaking faucets - fixed. New yard landscaping design and completion (with the help of his parents) - AWESOME! Broken fish tank, easy. It seems that no matter what it is, he can handle it - and in the off chance he can't - he always finds the perfect person who can. Things like this drive me crazy and it only takes him minutes to make repairs or "fix" whatever might be needed. Amazing.
19) He takes time to attend all the kids school things and extra activities. He commented recently that no matter what activity or event, they will always find us to be their front row cheering section. Sometimes that has meant "divide and conquer" when the kids have had awards ceremonies or other activites at the same time, in different places. I know that it means so much to me, and even more to the kids to know that he is always there for them and to give his love and support in all that they do.
20) He is my dearest friend, and my dearest love. I know that I would be lost and very alone without him by my side. He is truly my better half. Because of him, his kindness, patience, love, & understanding, I am able to be better. He helps and encourages me to be a better "me". He is still the one that makes butterflies go crazy in my stomach when he kisses me, he is the only one who can make me smile through the darkest moments, he is my strength when I think I cannot go on by myself. He is my greatest joy. I know that I am truly blessed because he is part of my life, because he is my life and my everything.
1) He is kind and patient with me - ALL the time. No matter how emotional I get he is always so patient.
2) He stays calm and patient when he cuts the kids hair and nails - even when they are screaming hysterically while he does it. It is funny that they do scream, esp since the kids will only let him do these things for him, not me. He never even bats an eyelash during their fussing, which is probably why they let him do these things for him.
3) He has never been on the bandwagon about nicknames for the kids. They all have one - and he never uses them. Well recently he came up with one of his own for Kels - he has officially named her the "tubby princess". When I realized what he was calling her I had to laugh. She is a super chunk and he has always said she would be the little princess. He is her little princess and I think it is sweet that he thinks of her as such.
4) He takes time to help the kids with their homework - esp the girls. It is amazing to me that no matter what the girls bring home that he can help them. It usually ends up being play time for them too - I will hear them laughing which makes me happy to know he is helping them get through math stuff in a postive way.
5) He takes time to play games with the kids. Preston LOVES playing games and the kids have followed his example. It is their special time with him and it is great that he is always willing to find that time.
6) He works harder than just about any person I know. He had a big project go awry this week and he is doing everything he can to put it right, on top of work that he had to go all the way to Colorado last week to retrieve. He always gives his very best at work or in his unit. He is a wonderful example to me.
7) He serves with all his heart, might, mind and strength. Whenever he is asked to do something at church, or for bishop, or to help others he is always right there. He goes the extra mile to be sure things are done to the best of his ability. He also serves me and the kids. No matter what we may need he is always here for us.
8) He gives everything and expects nothing in return. He is a true example of how to give unconditional love. He never judges, he never fusses. He amazes me with this gift of love.
9) He is willing, and able, to do any house jobs that I might need help with. When he can be home he does his best to try to help where he can - with kiddos, house, whatever - all I have to do is ask, and more often than not I dont have to ask. He is a great example to the kids, and esp our boys, that helping share the responsibilities of our home is an important thing.
10) He can find anything, anywhere. Whether the kids need to look up something for school, or I need help finding photography stuff, no matter what it is - he can find it AND find the best price! He amazes me with this ability.
11) He is an awesome "techy". I am not technical in any way, shape or form - in fact that stuff frustrates me to no end. He calmly just rolls over on his office chair and says "let me help" or "if it bugs you, give it to me". He can figure out any software program, any complicated manual, dicipher any gobbedly-gook, design business cards and forms, and so much more that most others cant (esp me). He can understand it and find ways to show and teach me in a way that I can understand. He takes over the things he knows totally drive me bonkers just to keep me sane and to show how much he cares.
12) He runs errands for me. With photography stuff taking off - and the store in corvallis - he is always willing to run errands and help me any way he can. He also is willing to meet me at appointments to take care of kiddos when he can get away from work. He continues to give me help and support in any way he can, and does it happily, even though I can be so difficult sometimes.
13) He has inheirited his mom's "energizer bunny" genes. It seems that he can stay at something long after I am ready to call it quits. He goes and goes and gets so much accomplished. It is something I admire about both him and his mom.
14) He still looks at me as if I were 16, with great love shining in his eyes. I have even had others comment on how he looks at me - no matter where we are. I have a good friend that has esp noticed and commented to me about it several times. It amazes me that after all these years - and all the changes I have gone through after having so many kiddos, that he really still looks at me like he did when we just met. Pretty amazing.
15) He can still laugh like a little kid. When he is with the friends we grew up with I watch my grown husband turn into a little boy again. It is wonderful to hear him laughing and to watch him enjoy and renew those friendships. It isnt often I get to hear that laughter from him, so it is a special gift to me when I do. A big thank you to our dear friends from school who help give me that gift!
16) He dearly loves our children. When I asked him to tell me 10 things I have given him to show my love for him, the very first thing he said was "well, there are 6 right out there in the other room!" He takes special care with them to show them that he does love them - he plays, leads, helps discipline, tucks them in bed, reads them stories, plays games, plays piano, sings silly songs, and does so many little things to show them, and me, how dear they are to him. It is a true blessing in my life to know how much he does love them.
17) He can pack the van - no matter how much stuff we have. When we went to Utah in October we ended up doing some Christmas shopping - and then had to figure out how to get it all home. All I saw were stacks of stuff, everywhere, and most of it odd shaped or bulky. I thought for sure we would need to mail things home. Again, he used all those amazing skills of his, and got every last thing to fit into the van to bring home with us. He is incredible.
18) He can turn his hand to just about anything. Leaking faucets - fixed. New yard landscaping design and completion (with the help of his parents) - AWESOME! Broken fish tank, easy. It seems that no matter what it is, he can handle it - and in the off chance he can't - he always finds the perfect person who can. Things like this drive me crazy and it only takes him minutes to make repairs or "fix" whatever might be needed. Amazing.
19) He takes time to attend all the kids school things and extra activities. He commented recently that no matter what activity or event, they will always find us to be their front row cheering section. Sometimes that has meant "divide and conquer" when the kids have had awards ceremonies or other activites at the same time, in different places. I know that it means so much to me, and even more to the kids to know that he is always there for them and to give his love and support in all that they do.
20) He is my dearest friend, and my dearest love. I know that I would be lost and very alone without him by my side. He is truly my better half. Because of him, his kindness, patience, love, & understanding, I am able to be better. He helps and encourages me to be a better "me". He is still the one that makes butterflies go crazy in my stomach when he kisses me, he is the only one who can make me smile through the darkest moments, he is my strength when I think I cannot go on by myself. He is my greatest joy. I know that I am truly blessed because he is part of my life, because he is my life and my everything.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Winter Blues
I have had several people ask why I havent blogged lately - in fact I havent posted anything for more than a month....
My "winter blues" have set in and it seems most days with the gray skies, gray fog, and heavy gray rain that the blues have me in their clutches.
I didnt used to struggle so much, but after the last 3 babies it seems that each winter has become more difficult. I know exactly what my brain and body are doing - shutting down on every level - and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
There is some consolation for me in at least knowing what is happening. I have learned to listen to my body when it gets like this and I know enough to say "no" or to step back from all the craziness and committments I take on. I know what I can/can't take on when even basic tasks become extremely difficult.
It is a challenge for me to still do enough to get us through each day - and even more of a challenge when I know others are judging me who dont understand or know me well enough to know of my personal struggles. It is hard to explain to someone else who has not experienced it - I get comments from others "if you will just do this or that then you will be fine". Besides others' comments I am constantly fighting the screaming voices in my head that tell me that I am "lazy, neglectful, selfish, etc". I have to fight every day to remember that my body has gone through some pretty major changes with each baby - changes that are permanent and that will be a challenge to me probably for the rest of my life. I have to fight every day to not give in to the screaming voices that, in the past, have left me with no desire to even get out of bed or left me in such deep darkness that I was beyond hope.
These days I am right on the edge of that darkness - but I am at least aware of where I am. I understand that when I dont have the desire or energy to even pick up my camera to take picts of the kids that I am struggling. I can know when I wake up and my body only moves at a snail's pace that I will need to make it a "quiet" day and only expend energy on absolute needs. I know that when my fingers are in so much pain from open wounds that I need for Preston or the girls' to take over, & I have learned to ask them to and then let them. I know that when my dear friend comes to "beat" on me and I feel like she is stabbing me, when she is barely touching me, that I need to back off, slow down, and let things go - on every level I can.
I have learned to listen to my body - I have learned to pay attention to the small things that can help or make things worse. I am trying to learn to let others help me. I am trying to learn to not listen to all the negative screaming voices. I am trying to listen and obey when I am told to just take a day, an hour, or a minute at a time to get through each day.
I have zillions of thoughts that fly through my head - tons of things that are happening that I want to blog about, tons of stuff that I want to share about how photography is going - tons and tons and tons, and yet I know that for now the "tons" will need to wait until I can get everything balanced back out. This post hopefully flows ok considering how many little pieces it has been written in and how many times I have had to walk away and come back. Please know that I am thinking of each of you who do read and ask about me and do care about our family. Know that there is so much I want to share - and will when the time is right. Thank you to all of you who do care and take time to write and check in on us - it really means more right now than ever when I am not able to do the calling and checking. I will post again, not sure when, but hopefully soon.
My "winter blues" have set in and it seems most days with the gray skies, gray fog, and heavy gray rain that the blues have me in their clutches.
I didnt used to struggle so much, but after the last 3 babies it seems that each winter has become more difficult. I know exactly what my brain and body are doing - shutting down on every level - and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
There is some consolation for me in at least knowing what is happening. I have learned to listen to my body when it gets like this and I know enough to say "no" or to step back from all the craziness and committments I take on. I know what I can/can't take on when even basic tasks become extremely difficult.
It is a challenge for me to still do enough to get us through each day - and even more of a challenge when I know others are judging me who dont understand or know me well enough to know of my personal struggles. It is hard to explain to someone else who has not experienced it - I get comments from others "if you will just do this or that then you will be fine". Besides others' comments I am constantly fighting the screaming voices in my head that tell me that I am "lazy, neglectful, selfish, etc". I have to fight every day to remember that my body has gone through some pretty major changes with each baby - changes that are permanent and that will be a challenge to me probably for the rest of my life. I have to fight every day to not give in to the screaming voices that, in the past, have left me with no desire to even get out of bed or left me in such deep darkness that I was beyond hope.
These days I am right on the edge of that darkness - but I am at least aware of where I am. I understand that when I dont have the desire or energy to even pick up my camera to take picts of the kids that I am struggling. I can know when I wake up and my body only moves at a snail's pace that I will need to make it a "quiet" day and only expend energy on absolute needs. I know that when my fingers are in so much pain from open wounds that I need for Preston or the girls' to take over, & I have learned to ask them to and then let them. I know that when my dear friend comes to "beat" on me and I feel like she is stabbing me, when she is barely touching me, that I need to back off, slow down, and let things go - on every level I can.
I have learned to listen to my body - I have learned to pay attention to the small things that can help or make things worse. I am trying to learn to let others help me. I am trying to learn to not listen to all the negative screaming voices. I am trying to listen and obey when I am told to just take a day, an hour, or a minute at a time to get through each day.
I have zillions of thoughts that fly through my head - tons of things that are happening that I want to blog about, tons of stuff that I want to share about how photography is going - tons and tons and tons, and yet I know that for now the "tons" will need to wait until I can get everything balanced back out. This post hopefully flows ok considering how many little pieces it has been written in and how many times I have had to walk away and come back. Please know that I am thinking of each of you who do read and ask about me and do care about our family. Know that there is so much I want to share - and will when the time is right. Thank you to all of you who do care and take time to write and check in on us - it really means more right now than ever when I am not able to do the calling and checking. I will post again, not sure when, but hopefully soon.
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