Rejection

Well, I got a voicemail message today from the local dr office I was trying to get into. They said that the dr was not able to take me as a new patient. No explaination, no anything, just a voicemail message.

I am feeling more than discouraged today. Weather has me totally down. Back pain is increasing again without PT, Chiro or massage. I seem to have hit a wall, and there are not even any options out there.

At this point, we have exhausted all of the resources for recommends for new dr's from most of the people we know. There are very few dr's out there who will take TRICARE or that are accepting new patients. I guess we will go at the lists again, and start asking some of my specialists if there are other drs in Corvallis that can be recommended.

Really at a loss this time. I felt very strongly that this local dr was who I was supposed to get in to see. Not sure what to think now that has fallen through. I know for sure I am not supposed to pursue the other drs that were on my other list. So, all of my medical records are now sitting in an office that up until this point, will not let me hand carry them. I will probably try again, and see if I can gain access to them.

There has to be a dr out there somewhere for me. Just wish I knew where....

Officially Discharged

This last week has been very discouraging for me. I have been in a lot of pain because of my back, and because of an extra nasty migraine that hit me out of nowhere. I have also discovered yet another over the counter med that I cant tolerate in the process. I am down to just regular ibuprofen and tylenol. Neither helped with severe pain this last week/weekend, which left me struggling and the big girls in charge more often than I would have liked.

I met with my PT specialist today, and I was looking forward to getting back into the swing of things with PT at the pool. I was hoping to make a good plan, but it seems that plan is not to be.

I am still without a personal physician. I finally bit the bullet and filled out the paperwork for a local doctor's office. He comes highly recommended. My concerns are that he does not accept our insurance, and he works exclusively with Salem Hospital. Even still, I am being led in this direction, and today I decided to obey and stop procrastinating.

Without a physician, or a record of any PT progress in the last several weeks, I will no longer be able to go to PT. My specialist felt like we have done everything possible, and I think that he was as discouraged as I was today that we have not been able to make more progress or reduce my pain concerns. His recommend is to pursue a neurosurgeon or orthepedic specialist. Again, hard to do without a personal doctor to make the referrals. He is concerned that there still may be underlying concerns - things that didnt show up on xrays or the MRI. He is discouraged he cant make those referalls for me. So am I.

There seems to still be a lot of unanswered questions, and nowhere right now to turn for answers. So, I guess I will wait, and try to be patient. I feel like I am supposed to see this local physician, and I am trying to set aside my concerns and fears. There is too much change happening all at once again.....I am never good with changes.....just have to keep trying to do my best.

WOW!

I got the amazing chance to do a workshop last month in Utah with one of my FAVE photographers. It was a unique opportunity that I wouldnt trade for anything. Part of the workshop time was for me to have MY picture taken. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I really struggle being in front of the camera. I just knew that Angela works miracles, and if anyone could get good picts of me, it would be her. I was thrilled to see her package in the mail today, and to see these images of myself. I dont consider myself beautiful at all - and yet these images seem to prove otherwise.

I will ever be so blessed for having a husband who was willing to give me this opportunity. I am so very grateful to Angela for being willing to take time to teach me, and for working her magic just for me. These images mean more to me than words can ever express. They are truly WOW!

So fun to see picts of me taking picts. We both laughed about how we get into interesting positions to make sure to get the best shot. It is great to have funny things in common with other photographers.

Crazy Busy

I will just be throwing some non-journaled posts up for just a bit. Things have been super crazy all Summer, and I just have not been able to get time to blog as I was hoping to. Hopefully you will enjoy all the work I have been having a blast with. Watch my work website, FB page, etc for more to come soon.
I will do my best to start blogging regularly again, and hopefully get all caught up with journaling attached!

Pasta Fagioli Minus The Pasta...

So...we fed the missionaries again this week. I was at a loss as to what to feed them since we just had them here last week. I had decided that with the weather still cold and blah that soup and bread would be perfect. I am not usually one to do "big" cooking, but found this recipe and thought I would try it out. I had helpers here and there. Caiden was helping me with the carrots, until he grated his own finger, and then he was done. Kaeli helped with the beef stock and taking picts. As things started to go together, the house smelled lovely and taste tests confirmed that I was doing everything right! It was exciting to know that I was making something extra yummy and that it was working.

Dinner went off well (besides the fact that Elder T wolfed his down to fly to another appt and Preston had taken the big boys off to scouts and completely missed dinner) I got lots of good compliments about the soup ("I would have NEVER eaten stuff like this before my mission, and havent eaten it on my mission until tonight. This is REALLY good") We also treated the elders and extra guests to Italian sodas (which they had never had before and I forgot to take picts of) AND "mile high" choc cake from a local restaurant (which is so rich and yummy you almost die trying to eat the last bites :) and I also forgot to take picts of )

Something kind of funny happened concerning the soup tonight. Finally, Preston got to sit down and have a bowl after church today. He thought it was great and as we were talking Kaeli mentioned that the soup would be really good over pasta. I about dropped dead right there - in all the chaos of making the soup the other morning before all of our back-to-back appts- I had completely forgotten to add the macaroni to the soup! All I could do was to start laughing. Not only had I forgotten the pasta in the first place, I didnt remember that I had forgotten it until 5 days after I made it! Really my brain is so empty sometimes.

Even without the pasta, the soup turned out absolutely amazing and one I will defintately make again - WITH the pasta added.
Lots of slicing and dicing going on. Kaeli took lots of picts and had fun getting different angles

Before....

After....

I kind of got a light bounce off this one, but still thought it was a fun image

YES!!!! I COOKED LIKE MY BROTHER!

We have been cooking up a storm this last week because of all the extra guests we have had. I bought lots of fresh ingredients that didnt end up getting used. Tonight I got into a "real" cooking mood. I knew what I wanted to try, but was still unsure. My first job was to make a phone call to my brother. Anyone who has ever eaten at our house when my brother is visiting KNOWS what an amazing cook he is. He dumps and pours, and tweaks and twists, and pinches and plots, and always comes up with the most amazing meals.
I have never been that kind of cook, I have had to rely on recipes to the letter, and even then it is never anything "wow." I knew he would have great ideas and be able to help me make what I was picturing in my mind.

Kaeli took this pict of me on the phone with him. She snuck up on me and scared the beejeebees out of me when the flash went off right outside my peripheral. She thought that was hilarious.
With Sean's expert help and advice, I took this.....sauteed and oh, so good.
And this.....caramelized onions done to perfection that just melts in your mouth

And this.....shredded chicken slightly browned with garlic, parsley, and olive oil, amazing....

And made THIS! TA-DA! I wish I could fit one more pict on this post, the pict without the chkn is SO much more pretty! I wish a picture could include the tempting smells and the savoring of every bite. The fresh tomato gave it all just the right blend of flavors. I think next time I will also try to add something green - maybe broccoli bites, or diced green pepper.

I am really so very proud of myself. If for nothing else, but trying something that is completely outside of my comfort zone. A great big THANK YOU and HUGS to my brother for sharing his incredible gifts and talents with food across the miles. YOU ARE THE BEST! I would have never been able to do it without you! Will be sure to make it for you next time you come!

As I sit here and finish this, the house is filled with the aroma of handmade pizza smells - yummy yeast bread, sauce, spices....oh, so very yummy! Kaeli has inheirited her gifts with food from my brother. She cooks just like he does and she is VERY good at it. She is esp amazing with any kind of bread recipe. The house smells SOOOOO good. All in all, a very fun and productive night of food and fun!

A Heart That Is Cold

I have been beyond struggling recently. My heart just seems to be a rock in my chest, cold and full of sorrow. Most days I am on the verge of tears, over everything, and barely hold them back. Often I cant, and there are a myriad of reasons for all the tears that flow.

I often feel like I am beyond any help or that I even deserve it. I have dug my own holes, and I deserve to lay in them.

Sundays are always hard for me. Extra hard without Preston here with us. I have missed him dreadfully. I think I have made a resolve to never go back to RS ever again. There is so much I want to contribute, except every time that I open my mouth, completely useless, senseless stuff spews from me. I know it is unkind to say, but there is one sister in our ward who makes me cringe every time she says anything. I am sure she is a wealth of knowledge, she just goes about sharing it in not very nice ways. I often wonder if all of the sisters feel the same way about me....Every attempt to do or be just fails miserably....and I know that it just makes the chasm that much deeper and wider.

The weather doesnt help. I look out the window at gray-black skies, and the wind is gusting and the temperatures have dropped again so that we need the heater back on.

Not sleeping at all is also not helping. Nights have been reduced once again to little snippets of sleep that are constantly filled with vivid nightmares. Even using all the techniques given by my specialists are not seeing needed results. I often wake, still on my side, with my throat sore and my heart pounding. Even more restrictions are going to be added from my PT specialist, which may not let me sleep at all. We have run out of so many options, I know it has been as frustrating to my sleep specialist as it is to me. Today I had needles painfully poked into my toes at my acupuncture appt hoping to at least resolve the nightmares, if not the whole sleep thing. Will be hoping to see some change.

This past week has been a long week of anniversaries for me too. My unconscious and conscious brain have made these anniversaries known by my hand, that has been long healed, breaking out in blisters that itch like my hand is on fire. An anniversary of baptism and days and weeks filled with trauma to the point of very little memories of those days and weeks surrounding that event. An anniversary of life changing events that changed my name forever, and broke family ties that may never be healed. An annual holiday that my brain, and past experiences, tell me that it is for everyone else but me. That it will never be for me.

Listening to conference talks today, several touched on how I have been feeling. I knew that as a speaker talked about a heart filled with sorrow, remorse, anger, bitterness, guilt that he was specifically talking about me. That his call to repentance, to turn to local church leaders, to seek forgiveness from others and the Savior are all things that are not happening. Repentance means changing from bad behavior to good. There has been so much in the past, so much that continues to almost be as raw today as when things happened. It still often physically, mentally, emotionally hurts. I am not to a place yet where I can forgive, and not sure when that will be. I have tried to seek out local help, those who I have sought do not have time for me. Why should they, everything else is more important that pitiful little me. I cannot ask forgiveness of others because I do not deserve it, not from them, and esp not from the Savior. I have continued to fail, even to the point of now having precious gifts and talents taken from me, and that I may never earn back again. The just consequences of my inabilities and failures. The conference talk went on to talk about suffering for our own sins. Again, wouldnt that be the just punishment for failure, judgement and non-forgiveness, for not being willing or able to do those things now?

I keep hoping to see some kind of change in the garden by the sea. It still stands empty and barren. It reflects my heart - empty, lonely, forsaken, broken.

More To Consider...

Just an update about my current health concerns.

A friend who is a chiropractor took time to come over this afternoon to try to answer all of the questions that I have had since we got my MRI results back yesterday.

Good news is that we may have answers enough to make a plan. Bad news is that it is probably going to be a life-long, pain/health management plan

He got on the computer and showed me images and video of what disc degeneration looks like. From my description he thinks that the results say that I am between stage I-II. Meaning that the disc is stressed, but not perforated. He pretty much said that a damaged disc is not able to be healed, only that symptoms can be treated and managed. He said that surgery is only an option in worst-case scenarios or if the disc has actually been damaged enough to burst open.

He asked me to request a copy of the actual MRI so he can get a better look at what the concerns are. After he looks at them, he can give us some better options for care.

He said that the cortizone shots are only a quick fix to deaden nerves. He said most medical studies have shown that over long term, the cortizone actually dissolves the discs and vertebrae. Not really something to consider either since pain is manageable now. I definately dont want to add to the problems.

His best recommendation from his experience and study is that multiple helps in conjunction with each other is the best way to start healing and manage long term care. Chiropractic, PT, and acupuncture all being done at the same time will better chances of stopping degeneration and keeping pain and damage managed better. He said there is a specific technique with chiropractic that he can do in his office (vs a specialist and thousands of dollars). He said he thinks that getting back on track with PT and sticking with the acupuncture are all good things.

It means adding lots more appts to our schedule for me though. Acupuncture would be weekly. PT 1-2x/week. Chiro for me 1-2x/week. Initially, to try to assess and get things under control would be a lot to add to the schedule. After a couple of months, those appts could probably be spread out and would be to manage vs agressively combat the concerns.

I am feeling happy and sad at the same time. Happy that we have had a second opinion that I trust, happy that we have more do-able options. Sad that I really am broken, sad that we will be looking at long term, even life long care for me. I told my friend how hard it is for me to feel broken, to not be able to even think about all of this without all of the guilt heaping on top of me, of all the extra stress and worry this will cause, about all the extra $ that we will for sure not have to cover all of these appts between now and the end of the year….

I still have not had any response from my previous dr office or from the PT office. Not sure what options we are going to be able to discuss with all that has happened. I may have to go into holding pattern for awhile until we can get a look at the MRI and get more questions answered.

There is also the continuing concern that my sleep apnea is getting worse. A recent go with another sleep med ended up being thrown out. It worked exactly opposite, keeping me awake most or all of the night, and feeling drugged and extra emotional during the day. When I am sleeping, I am finding I am sometimes staying in a side position, but REM sleep is filled with intense nightmares and I wake up with my heart pounding and gasping for air. I woke again with a sore throat, and knowing even though I was a sleep, it was far from being restful. We have yet to find a help that will allow me to sleep and rest and breathe. My body continues to reject meds, and non-med helps are expensive, and still dont resolve concerns. I will be stopping by my dr office again tomorrow to give them a heads up from this week. Maybe adding more of those appts too.

Just as a side note....I had my first appt with the new acupuncture specialist today. He is Japanese, and has studied extensively. He is also alot younger than I was expecting him to be. The first set of needles that went in werent too bad, I was surprised that I only felt a couple of them. The second set of needles - literally from head to toe on my right side - was a lot more difficult. Several of the "hot" spots didnt like having the needles in and muscles were really tensed. He actually had to remove 2 in my back because they throbbed so bad. A couple of the sites where they went in are still pretty sore. My right side seems to be feeling better though. There is physical relief. It just feels different.

I really had a hard time with being there again. My legs started trembling and I was very concerned that my body was going to start shaking again like last time. It thankfully just stayed at a small tremble. This specialist seems nice, and he listened to what I shared. He kept saying "interesting" though - not sure if I have him totally stumped already too. He has asked me to come in for weekly appts for at least the next month. Thankfully we have the medical acct through preston's work, since TRICARE doesnt cover this. I am apprehensive about going back, but I promised I would try, esp after my chat with D today.

Hoping that we will continue to find more answers than questions.....

Too Many Questions...

Late yesterday afternoon I heard back from the dr office with my MRI results....

The results showed bulged discs that are cutting off nerves which is causing all the continued pain through my lower back, hips and legs. My dr has said it is serious enough to warrant serious solutions.

His first recommend was for me to continue PT. I wont be able to continue PT, at least for now. I found out yesterday my PT specialists' baby decided to arrive early. He will be out of the office a minimum of 2-4 weeks. His one partner will be trying to work in all my specialist's clients into his own schedule. It will not even get me on his books. I may be able to still keep an office visit next week, but I am still waiting to hear. My other concern is that I have already been going to PT for several months, without results expected or needed. That was the whole reason the MRI was asked for. Not sure that continuing with PT will help resolve concerns. It may end up being added back in if other more serious measures are needed...

His second recommend is to get cortizone shots in my spine. The cortizone could possibly reduce the swelling around the disc areas. I am still trying to learn more about what this option even involves.

His third recommend is to look at surgery options. This scares me the most considering he has now left his practice. I dont have any prospects for a new dr yet. I have made calls to try to set up appts to meet one new dr possibly. The other dr. I have tried to contact will go over all my records before she will even offer me an appt to meet with her. It is horrible for me to even consider that I may be looking at surgery, and no dr that I know or would be comfortable with would be doing it. Or that knowing I now have serious concerns, will a new doctor even being willing to take me on...

We also found out late yesterday that a specialist we have been hoping to get Colton into has a 4 MONTH waiting list. We wont hear back from them until they have received and reviewed Colton's records. It will be Fall at the earliest before we can get him in.

We ended yesterday with way too many questions and not enough answers, and no answers about who to turn to for help. This week will be spent making many phone calls and hoping we will be guided to find the right answers soon.

Good News & Bad News...

It has been another week of Mondays...

Our Monday started out with a visit to the vet's office with a VERY sick Oreo...and no clue why he was so sick. I took him in and we saw Dr Archer's new partner. She was great and asked lots of questions I couldnt answer. She ended up keeping Oreo for x-rays and lab work. Ceana was NOT a happy camper when I returned without him. All we could do was wait to see what the dr said...

I came home from that appt to turn around and run down to my dr appt. It was not a good visit for me. He made some recommends about new specialists and a new sleep med he wants me to try (now that I am writing, I just realized I have that med still sitting at the pharmacy...another thing for my monster to-do list tomorrow) and then double checked with me that I had received the letter to let me know he is leaving the practice at the clinic - WHAT? I totally flipped out, while trying to keep my composure. I hadnt received a letter at all. I was mortified. I have only had him for the last several months. I had finally found someone to ask the right questions, to jump on tests, to talk and work with my other specialists....and now he is leaving...and I am going to have to start all over again.

I have an appt with a new Asian master actupuncture specialist next week. I have an MRI scheduled for tomorrow. I have dropped all my PT appts until we can get results from the MRI. I have info for 2 new personal dr, and still trying to decide to make appts to at least meet each of them and try to prayerfully decide where to go from there.

It was all I could do not to cry when I left the dr office. I just cant seem to find a good dr for me. It will now mean adding more appts into our schedule again. I am already feeling extra guilty for the fuel costs and cost of time away from home, and what the cost will be to the kids' grades with me coming and going....

On my way home from my appt, I got a call from the vet clinic with results from all of Oreo's tests and that he was ready to come home. I had a pretty intense discussion with the dr. His x-rays and labs came out clean, mostly. The x-rays indicated some calcification on his neck - the disc degeneration we have already had confirmed in LJ 2x now....Also, he had some labs that were unusually off. Sometimes the numbers can be off because of high stress, but the follow up appt with Dr Archer today also indicated she is concerned about the labs. We have a follow up appt for him in 3 weeks for more labs. Depending on what those results are, we may have lots more on our plate for Oreo (and maybe LJ) as well. Can only try to wait patiently. Oreo is doing much better after the extra fluids and care he received at the clinic, which we are very thankful for.

Tonight my heart is very heavy with heartbreaking news we received about extended family members. We are so far away, and there is nothing we can do but keep them in our thoughts and prayers, and let them know we still love them.

It has already been a very long, full week - and it is only Wednesday. The rest of the week and weekend look to be VERY full of lots of adventure. I will try to keep up with posts, more coming soon....

Back To Real Life

We got the chance to go away for a girls' weekend, leaving Preston with the boys and Kels. It was a wonderful weekend for all of us, with many different outings, activities, etc. But as the saying goes...all good things come to an end...

I currently have a son who is refusing to do any school work because his dad is not here. He has not even completed one assignment yet, he has directly disobeyed specific instructions, and is in jeopardy of losing karate this afternoon...I have 2 children currenly on time out, one of which is still screaming her head off, and the other with lost privileges for violently kicking the wall in his room. Two girls are stressed to the max and making very little headway in reaching their goal to have 5 assignments completed by the end of the day, which is highly unlikely to happen knowing they still have karate and a board meeting to attend. One little mister is sitting contentedly reading books tucked into the big overstuffed recliner, after eating yet another cookie as his reward for using the bathroom. In the midst of this, I have 2 of 6 currently struggling with cold symtoms, making them extra emotional and grouchy.

We have an hour before we are supposed to leave for karate. I dont think anyone has eaten any lunch. I just found out that Preston is possibly going to be out of town for 2 days and nights this week. Dinner is probably going to be mac&cheese or PB&J or cereal, again. We will attempt to at least get scriptures read, and prayer said, but will most likely not have anything resembling FHE. It will for SURE be early bedtime tonight. I may have to make 2 pans of cookies because at this rate I will need one all to myself in an attempt to "self-medicate" (as my cute friend calls it) just to make it through the rest of the day/week....

Welcome back to the real world....

Miracle Man

This weekend the big girls and I got to go away and spend 4 wonderful days with close friends of ours (more posts and picts coming). While we were away Preston "worked" from home and stay with the boys and Kels. It sounds like they had as wonderful a weekend as we did. Many miracles happened!

Preston took the boys & Kels to a local elementary school carnival. Sounds like they had a total blast (need to have him do a post about all of their fun) They called me on the phone totally bouncing off the walls from all the fun they had together. Preston treated them to pizza, which according to Caiden's account of what Preston said "we are getting pizza because it sure beats eating peanut butter" (which we have been eating ALOT of lately) That made me laugh. Preston also helped the boys crank out some monster amounts of homework. Caiden has been our biggest challenge with completing school work this year. Preston's one on one time seems to be the key to his success. Colton's handwriting has made significant improvement too. I can usually only get him to complete a small amount of work, and Preston got him to do 3 whole pages of handwriting all in one sitting! Plus math and other assignments too. Good to have them both caught up a bit, esp knowing we only have 54 days of school left! Just cant believe the year has flown by so quickly.....

One of the miraculous events came in a round about way. The dogs got loose while Preston and the kids were out and LJ, loving to eat plastic anything, completely obliterated Kels' binky hoard in her room. There was the obvious major trauma the first night, but it now seems we are free and clear of the whole binky thing. Something I have been contemplating doing for some time now, esp after the report from our dentist that she has a cross bite because of extended binky use. Just havent been able to do it yet because both Kaeli and I struggle to hear her in hysterics...Preston doesnt mind the hysterics for the most part though, and the dogs helped preston do away with them in one fell swoop.

The other big miracle is that it looks like Ky is potty trained - literally overnight. Preston sent me text messages all day yesterday to tell me that Ky had used the potty and was earning cookies (that they got at the carnival). Preston found some Superman pull ups in the garage (didnt even know we had any) and Ky was so excited he did not have one single accident all day! I asked Preston to take his pict, and this is what he sent me.... This morning he woke up dry too! He earned 2 cookies for that, I think he earned them. He has used the toilet 2x already today and we seem to be on a roll. He and I talked about printing a potty chart for him. If he can stay dry all week, day and night (probably) I promised him I would take him to a big store to buy his very own big boy underwear. He was VERY excited about that. Since cookies seem to be his choice as a potty treat (all the other kids' loved M&M's) we are also going to make a big pan of PB Fingers so he can have his fave cookies available as his reward.

Daddy Magic has done all of these wonderful things. It never ceases to amaze me the things that Preston accomplishes in such a short amount of time with the kids. He and the kids had a great weekend together and got so much done too!

Thought For The Day

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” - Steve Jobs

Thanx to one of Ceana's wonderful friends for posting this. Something that is a work in progress....

Sunshine On A Cloudy Day

"I've got sunshine, on a cloudy day. When it's cold outside, I have the month of May."

This song kind of applies to yesterday. I have been having such a hard time with the weather. The gray skies, rain, wind, COLD, it is all just really getting to me. It has been such a long winter, and filled with so much that has overwhelmed me. I am not sure how long I am going to hang on without the weather bringing sun and warmth soon...

A heartfelt prayer for sunshine resulted in about a warm, 5 minute window of sun with no wind. It wasnt much, but it helped me not feel so sad and so overwhelmed. It helped me feel not so alone....and least for those few minutes...

Another bit of sunshine yesterday was getting to take picts of this little cutie again. I did maternity picts for his mom before he arrived, and then she ordered a special package that will give me the fun of taking picts of him from now until December. The other thing that lightens my heart is that even with all of the changes coming with photography in my life, J still believes in me, still loves my work. Still is planning to have me come and do shoots, has even asked me to do picts outside of the package. She will never know how much these things mean to me. To have someone outside of my immediate circles really believe in me, to love my work as much as I do. It has been fun with 3 separate shoots now that we have ended up choosing the same favorite images. It always makes me extra excited when that happens, but that it continues to happen tells me that we are creating wonderful things together, that I am being given extra help to make each shoot be something wow for both of us. I am so grateful to J and for the joy that comes from capturing special moments with her and her sweet family. I am also grateful to Heavenly Father for the help He continues to give and for sending me special people as wonderful as the B family.
J had this darling hat for Mister A. It was so adorable neither of us could stand it. She has more hats in the wings, waiting for future shoots too. Can't wait for all the fun!

He has the most striking big, dark eyes - just like his dad. When we got warmed up, he just stared at me and gave me great opportunity to capture them. He is going to be a heartbreaker when he is older.

I dont know what it is about this image - it just really draws all of my attention. I see in it things I could have done different, and even still, I just love it. I might be the only one sometimes to totally love an image, just for way it moves me, even if no one else likes it. It is the art of the field I guess - just loving something because it just is and for no other reason...

Little toes are always fun to capture...

When One Door Closes...

A couple of quotes have been running through my mind this week –

“When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window” – Maria, Sound of Music
“…If one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window. If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.” – Rascal Flatts

Doors are closing this week, and I am not sure where I will find an open window. Smiles and joy have been harder to come by as the emotions rage in tsunami style and I am working on trying to not get swept away and drowned.

Changes are never easy, in fact they can often be very difficult. Finding answers to those changes can also be just as difficult. I esp struggle with change, and I am trying hard to lean on answers given in a recent blessing that I received. I am hoping that in trying to follow those words, that sometime in the future I will find lots of open windows…..

After endless sleepless nights, weeks of thought, lots of tears, and lots of prayers, I have decided to hang up my camera professionally, and go back to being “just a mom with a camera”. Though I will have the website still up and running, at least for now, I will going back to focusing any posts to the photo blog. I will be re-focusing my photography on my family, and leave the business world to others.

A few things have led me to this decision. First is that I don’t like competing for work and friendship. Second is that I have come to realize that my work just isn’t good enough to be trying to compete and losing those friendships. Third, financially, our family just cannot manage the extra strain anymore.

In the last few months I lost several big shoots. Ones that I had my heart set on, that I had been so honored to be asked to do; only to be devastated when I received phone calls or emails to be told that someone else had been asked to do them instead. I became even more disheartened when I continued to see posts from friends who had also asked that same someone to do their picts. Friends who had come to me in the past, and who I thought were in the process of setting up to do shoots soon. I found myself feeling very jealous, angry, and hurt. I really don’t like the way it has made me feel, it has been very unprofessional and unkind. I guess I am just too emotional of a person to exist in the business world.

I never went looking for a career in photography, it found me. My personal purposes have been to pursue photography to share gifts and talents with others, to serve and to teach, and to share the gospel sometimes. I have gained a better appreciation and love of all of God’s creations, and never hoped for more than to bring joy to others. I have put all of myself into my work, hoping those experiences were as important to others as they were to me, that building relationships was part of it. I was giving everything personal to do my very best for others, but it seems that my work has only been special to me, and to others it has not been more than a non-personal business transaction. I recently had someone tell me that I should be tougher, that it shouldn’t matter what others think or do. But when I know that my work is such a big part of me, that it is me, when that is rejected, it is also me being rejected, and no matter what I do to try to be “tough”, it just hurts too much. If my work is not important or special to others, to me, it is saying those same things about myself too.

I have a dear, sweet husband who never tires of supporting my hare-brained ideas to pursue the business world to try to “be a support to our family too” – except my ideas usually end up costing our family more than is gained. I guess there is something to be said that this pursuit lasted longer than the previous ones…
In trying to undo the financial strain, I have officially resigned from the small business association I was part of. I have found that even though I have made wonderful contacts, and gained new friends, I have not seen my business grow as I had hoped. I have continued to watch the little bit of profit I have earned, plus family budget be turned right around to meet the requirements to be in the group. Though I have loved every minute of the time spent doing shoots for people in the group, I found that for my specific field, outside business was not happening at all. I have learned so many new skills, have met so many wonderful people, and feel that I was truly an equal to anyone in the group. I wouldn’t trade those things for anything. I hope that there will be an open window somewhere that will allow those relationships to continue….financially, however, it is time to close this door.
Photography is not an inexpensive endeavor. By closing this door, it will hopefully also alleviate any more strain on our struggling budget by not having to worry about keeping up portfolios or websites, or photo anything trying to keep myself in business circles.

I had this all written out before, words finally worked for once, but then one wrong key wiped it all away. This whole post, to me, just sounds so not the way I had hoped. I guess I just chalk this up to one more experience I have not been able to conquer. One more thing that I have given lots to, but have not been smart enough, or talented enough, or non-emotional enough to succeed at. I have told a few people lately that my only good talent is to support and appreciate others’ gifts and talents, maybe this is one final loss will get that in my head for good. I am only any good in a supportive role, only as a helper, only in the background, and that others will only ever need me to stay in that role. I should be able to be ok with that, maybe someday I will be. For now, doors are closing that will stay closed. I will fade once again into the background, and no one will even miss me.

CRUD!

I just had a whole post just about ready to go - and hit a wrong key and deleted the ENTIRE post - I am so upset right now I am just having to walk away.

I HATE it when this happens, I cant undo it, and I can never write things the way they were. I was finally writing a post about stuff that really needed to be written, and I blew it again....

uuuggghhhh!

Telling Time

I heard a radio program today that talked about the whole daylights savings thing and whether it really works or not.

The guy talked about history always using the sun to tell time. I laughed at that because we would be in total oblivion for 6 months of the year if we did that. Seeing the sun during the winter months is a rarity, we would never know what time it was.

He also talked about history using the seasons, and the crops to tell time. That I can understand better. We still live in a pretty rural area and the signs of Spring are all around us.

Today as I drove to care for our friends' animals I drove past fields where there are several herds of sheep. It made me laugh to see the lambs frolicking in the fields, and it was so sweetto see little twins laying nestled next to each other as their mama stood close by keeping watch while they slept.

I have been surprised to see so many lambs. They are usually born before now, and often sold by the end of Feb. I counted at least 2 dozen lambs in the fields again today. It was a sweet, and wonderful sign that maybe Spring really is on its way.

Living in a rural area, also means friends live in the wilderness. We have been caring for our friends' "petting zoo" as we like to call it. Their property is in the middle of the forest and surrounded by huge pieces of farmland that has been cleared and have crops year round. Tonight as I drove up the steep driveway to the house there was a doe and an almost grown fawn just standing in the middle of the "road". I drove slowly and ended up just stopping to watch them as they slowly made their way up into the trees and then stopped to watch me too. Seeing them out and about means that they think that Spring is coming soon too.

Another sign of Spring in the "country" is the sounds in the night. When I got home from caring for animals it was already dark. We are surrounded by fields here, and creeks and rivers. The air was filled with the sounds of hundreds (at least it sounded that way) of frogs chirping. It is a glorious sound that has been sorely missed through these cold, Winter months. They think Spring is coming too, or they wouldnt be singing so.

A friend who is also a photographer lives where it is still snowing like crazy. Today she did a post to remind herself that warm weather really is coming, that Spring will be here. After all of our yuck weather again today, and the way the whole day has gone, I thought maybe it might be a good idea to do here too.

Just a little reminder that this is what Spring really is all about - GREEN, and flowers, and warm weather, and sunshine, and being outside without 10 layers of clothes on....

and the smell of blossoms, and watching petals drift in the breeze, and taking walks together, and playing in the park, and bright colors, and picnics, and watching children play in huge water fountains.....

(Kaeli is also becoming quite the photographer. This is her award-winning image taken at our state capitol grounds last spring)

and listening to birds singing, and frogs chirping, and seeing signs of wildlife, big and small, waking and starting to be out and about, and....and maybe Spring really is just around the corner. I sure hope so....

SEASONS OF LIFE

I have been doing alot of thinking about seasons this last week. The seasons always bring change - whether in the weather outside, or in our life. No matter what the season, there are always challenges and blessings.

This week has been significant concerning the emerging season of Spring, and the weather outside. February always teases - we have 60 degrees one day, and 27 the next. We have hail, thunder, lightning, heavy winds, black skies streaked with heavy rain all the way to the ground, brilliant blue skies with a sun so dazzling that you have to put on your sunglasses, and exquisite rainbows that take your breath away - all in the same hour! Welcome to Oregon! If you dont like the weather, just wait 5 minutes. Are you a bit confused about what season it really is? Give it a day or two...

It has been interesting to think about all the extreme changes in the weather, and also the extreme changes that often come in our life. I have been thinking specifically about several sisters I know. They all are in different seasons of life, those seasons are not always easy, but they can also bring great blessings.

One sister who is a dear friend is having a special birthday this year. She is in a time of life when all her kids are in school, and her time is her own to do whatever she chooses. Her husband works regular hours, even having 1 whole day off a week. Together they are re-establishing their relationship as sweethearts, time that has not been their own for a very long time. She is greatly blessed in this season to have time to serve, time to play, time to learn new skills, just lots of time. She also has the safety and security of raising their children with her husband by her side always to teach and guide and help every day. These things are true blessings. It is a very joyful season of life.

One sister also has lots of time on her hands. But she is finding it not so joyful. She has recently retired. She has mentioned that having all that time has been very difficult for her. She has always been an extra busy lady, and very involved in her work that focuses on serving and teaching others. Now she is at home, and having a hard time knowing how to fill all those extra hours and make her days feel worthwhile. It is a difficult season of life that will take much time to find the joy again.

Another sister spans several seasons. She has one child who will graduate and leave on a mission next year. She has a middle child who is also in high school. Then she has another child who is many years younger, and will be raised almost as an only child very soon. This sister is gung-ho about the coming changes and has an amazing "bring it on" attitude. She can't wait to see what all the new changes will bring, and is looking forward to the new seasons of life that are ahead of her. Unlike many people, she loves change.

Another sister is finding that life's changes are bringing heartache and challenges. She is in a season of life where she is losing close family members and parents. She is the child trying to care for the parents, and the arrangements, and taking all the responsibilities this time of life brings. It is a challening time with both joy and sadness. The greatest blessing in her life through this difficult time is her amazing husband and the strength that he is to her, and for her. Even in times of trial there is strength and peace because they have each other.

As our seasons of life change, so can our seasons of health also change. Often these seasons are long, difficult, heartbreaking and almost beyond what we can bear. These seasons also can bring great knowledge and blessings that may not be able to come any other way. Oftentimes, those blessings come in the service that others can give.
In the last week alone, we have been made aware of several friends and family members who are going through life threatening illnesses. As I attend the temple tomorrow, I will take each of them with me in my heart and in my prayers. I hope that in the coming weeks, and months, that I might be among those able to serve and bring comfort, friendship and relief.

As I have thought about these many others and their seasons of life, I have also pondered greatly on our own season. Where are we right now? Where have we been in recent weeks and months? Have I taken the time to look for the blessings, and to be grateful to those who have given service to me and to our family?
I know that right now we span many seasons - we have a missy who is now 16, as well as a missy who is almost 3, and kiddos in between. We will celebrate big birthdays this year - and with those birthdays come significant changes to our family's season of life. We fit in all of the circles, and often none of them. We are still in a season of health struggles, and may be there yet a very long time. We are in a season of sacrifice of time, energy, and choices. We often have waded through difficult seasons on our own, with no one to help or to turn to. We have also had to rely heavily on, and put trust in, health caregivers - darling nurses, attentive doctors and helpful medical assistants & specialists. Even during great trials, we have been greatly blessed by their kindness, patience and friendship, and by the wonderful care we have continued to receive.
In the last several weeks, both Colton and I have had pretty difficult appts. I have tried to show gratitude to those who have helped both of us through these extra long days. I have tried to be grateful for, and to find some understanding of, the lessons that have needed to be learned.

I know that I have often not been patient during these difficult times. Doubt and fear have often won over faith and trust. The seasons that have come and stayed have left me disheartened and exhausted. I continue to struggle with frustration, worry and weakness. My brain knows that we have come a long way, my heart doesnt always go along. I seek out blessings, maybe more often than I should, sometimes just needing to be told what to do because I just cant see the way anymore and cannot find the strength or energy to pursue anything constructive. I still give in to stress eating, esp at times when I am feeling most alone. I often cry because I am not strong or faithful. In the moment, and in the midst of the seasons' storms, it is often more than I can handle, and yet I feel guilty that I cannot seem to bear it even when I know that others bear far greater burdens than my own.

Each of us have seasons that are short or long, calm or stormy, where we drift or are carried. Each season brings change, often that change is not what we want, but may be exactly what we need. I am trying to seek out what it is that I need, and that our family needs. I am striving to be more grateful, more patient, more trusting. Just as the weather outside changes with each passing moment, so do the seasons of our life change in the blink of an eye. I am trying to be watchful for the rainbows and the dewdrops, and be patient through the times when the skies are dark and streaked with tears. I try to think of a quote a friend has on her wall - I know I wont get it exactly right, but I think it applies. It goes something like this - "Life is not about waiting out the storms, it is about learning to dance in the rain."
As life's seasons come and go, I am striving to find the courage to dance in the rain, and look for the sparkling skies, even if it only lasts a moment. The seasons of life bring change, and there can be beauty in every season, if we try to actively seek it. I hope that someday I can see it first, instead of only seeing the clouds and rain. I am learning. Someday I will, but for now, in our many seasons, it is a work in progress, and that is ok.

Iron Infusion # 6

My last infusion appt was yesterday. It was rough going, even with the best nurse in the clinic helping.
I got there early and got both arms heat packed first thing. I have one vein in my left arm that we have hit several times. It came right to the surface, only to disappear when the needle went in. Try #1 was no good. Erin had left my other arm heat packed in the event we missed. She worked my arm over good, just trying to find a spot that would be good to go. She found one, but it went in and collapsed. Try #2 was no good, and Erin was done too. The rule on the floor is that each nurse only gets 2 attempts and then they have to turn it over to someone else.

They heat packed my arms again, and really cranked things up, and called in another nurse from the floor. All the while the sweet nurses from the clinic walking by with expectant looks on their faces, only to have them be as sad as I was that we hadnt gotten a line in yet.

Attempt #3 was made with a larger gauge needle with the hope to get it in to stay. It was very painful and ended up another failure. My other arm had remained in heat packs just in case. Attempt #4 was enough to make me about jump right out of the chair. The nurse had to keep digging a bit too. The vein froze up, but hoping it was actually in, they let it sit for a couple minutes and I tried to relax. Erin came back over to run the line, and the saline taste in my mouth told them it was probably good to go. Erin got everything hooked up, and even though it stung like crazy, it was in, and we went for the rest. All this took about 90 minutes to finally get things in place.

I was hoping to get some work done, but after the line ended up in my right arm, it was out of commission. I tried to read for awhile, but just couldnt concentrate. I have noticed this week that I have been extremely fatigued, sluggish, and that my brain has just been extra fuzzy. I was also freezing yesterday. Erin piled on the heated blankets and got me a pillow and I took a nap for about an hour - I have never done that before. I tried to read a bit, but just couldnt concentrate on anything. By 1230pm I was finally done. Both arms were very sore, and I am sure that they will be for awhile. It will be interesting to see what kind of bruises show up.

Thankfully I will get a little break from getting poked again. Dr Lee's medical assistant was in the clinic and I was able to check in with him about the plan for my labs and next appt. Dr Lee put my lab appt out until March 1 and my appt on March 7. This will give me a good couple of weeks to rest and recoup a bit before the lab draw - which is a big, difficult one. Another blessing came with the names of the best IV people in the lab from the clinic nurses. Brownwynn made a special trip to the lab just for me to make sure I had the names of the best people to help me next month.

It has been a very hard 6 weeks. I am hoping that all that I have been through will strengthen my weaknesses in many ways, and not just physically. I have been very blessed to have the most wonderful nurses and care during my appts. I have also gained a great empathy and understanding of those who have even greater health needs than I do. I wont know until next month what my labs look like. It will be a bit hard to wait, wondering and hoping that what I have been doing is making a difference. Patience is something else that I am trying to learn.

I am very thankful for all the amazing care I have received, but I know that I am also thankful to be done with appts. I will write again about medical etc after my other appts next month.

Iron Infusion # 4 & #5

I havent gotten a chance to post for awhile. Need to catch up on last couple of appts.

Two weeks ago, we got lucky. The hot packs helped my veins cooperate and the line went in on the first try. The trick was keeping it going while it was in. It started throbbing in my arm and the nurse had to disconnect and re-flush the line - which sent the taste of the saline directly to my mouth. It was very unexpected and not pleasant at all. She ended up adding another bag of saline to the line and running it slower. Once that was done, the rest was pretty uneventful. The one unexpected thing came after I got home - normally I bruise at the IV site itself. This time the bruising occurred where the throbbing had been so bad - totally away from the injection site. It was a fairly long bruise and when I showed it to the nurses last week they were very surprised. I continue to baffle them with all the odd occurrences I seem to have with everything.

I wish I could say that we had as easy of a time last week. Friday was Colton's birthday so we had him come down with me, thinking it would be a fun 2hrs to eat a yummy breakfast and play games. Our day didnt quite go according to plan though.
Preston came and got Colton to go get breakfast, thinking they would get back after my IV was in and going. When they got back, however, one attempt (with lidicaine) had been made and had failed. A 2nd try was made in my wrist, with a painful no go. During all this time, we tried to eat breakfast and start a game. By the 3rd try, though, I think that Preston & Colton had enough of watching me get poked and preston took him out to the waiting area to make some phone calls.
A long wait started again, with BOTH my arms hot packed with wet washcloths and heating pads and an extra nurse from the floor was called in.
When the hot packs came off, finally, one vein came to the surface. The new little nurse did a pretty quick job of things, again using the lidicaine, and got the line in and running clean.
By the time the line was in, we had gotten a surprise phone call from preston's parents that they had flown in early and were coming to get colton to go to lunch. Dad took Colton to lunch and then home, and mom stayed at the clinic with me. Preston went back to work, knowing he would be staying late because of how the morning went.
Things were pretty uneventful for remaining 2 hrs, other than needing and extra saline pouch and it seeming like it was taking forever. Mom & I just chatted and planned for the activities and menu for Colton's big day.
I think I really gave the gals a run for their money - 6hrs, 4 tries, 4 nurses, extra meds, etc made for a VERY long day for all of us.
I think that the nurses on staff, as well as myself, will be glad that this week is our final go of things (at least that is our hope) I have really caused so much concern each week for them, and rattled more than one nurse there in the clinic. I am not looking forward to my appt on Friday at all. Will just try to be prepared to do the best with what I have to take on and hope the rest of the weekend is more quiet.

Just a little PS - I havent written at all about my PT appts that started several weeks ago. My progress has been slow and painful. I was sent home this week with a portable electric stimulus machine to try to keep the pain levels more bearable between appts. I talked with my specialist again today about what the next plan will be. If he does not see considerable improvement in the next few weeks, x-rays, CT's and MRI's may be on the schedule. I am grateful that he is so kind and patient and that the cute gals on his staff are all wonderful. It makes things a lot easier knowing I have help and support when I need it. I will try to keep current on posts about PT etc, esp if I end up needing more in-depth tests run.