I have been beyond struggling recently. My heart just seems to be a rock in my chest, cold and full of sorrow. Most days I am on the verge of tears, over everything, and barely hold them back. Often I cant, and there are a myriad of reasons for all the tears that flow.
I often feel like I am beyond any help or that I even deserve it. I have dug my own holes, and I deserve to lay in them.
Sundays are always hard for me. Extra hard without Preston here with us. I have missed him dreadfully. I think I have made a resolve to never go back to RS ever again. There is so much I want to contribute, except every time that I open my mouth, completely useless, senseless stuff spews from me. I know it is unkind to say, but there is one sister in our ward who makes me cringe every time she says anything. I am sure she is a wealth of knowledge, she just goes about sharing it in not very nice ways. I often wonder if all of the sisters feel the same way about me....Every attempt to do or be just fails miserably....and I know that it just makes the chasm that much deeper and wider.
The weather doesnt help. I look out the window at gray-black skies, and the wind is gusting and the temperatures have dropped again so that we need the heater back on.
Not sleeping at all is also not helping. Nights have been reduced once again to little snippets of sleep that are constantly filled with vivid nightmares. Even using all the techniques given by my specialists are not seeing needed results. I often wake, still on my side, with my throat sore and my heart pounding. Even more restrictions are going to be added from my PT specialist, which may not let me sleep at all. We have run out of so many options, I know it has been as frustrating to my sleep specialist as it is to me. Today I had needles painfully poked into my toes at my acupuncture appt hoping to at least resolve the nightmares, if not the whole sleep thing. Will be hoping to see some change.
This past week has been a long week of anniversaries for me too. My unconscious and conscious brain have made these anniversaries known by my hand, that has been long healed, breaking out in blisters that itch like my hand is on fire. An anniversary of baptism and days and weeks filled with trauma to the point of very little memories of those days and weeks surrounding that event. An anniversary of life changing events that changed my name forever, and broke family ties that may never be healed. An annual holiday that my brain, and past experiences, tell me that it is for everyone else but me. That it will never be for me.
Listening to conference talks today, several touched on how I have been feeling. I knew that as a speaker talked about a heart filled with sorrow, remorse, anger, bitterness, guilt that he was specifically talking about me. That his call to repentance, to turn to local church leaders, to seek forgiveness from others and the Savior are all things that are not happening. Repentance means changing from bad behavior to good. There has been so much in the past, so much that continues to almost be as raw today as when things happened. It still often physically, mentally, emotionally hurts. I am not to a place yet where I can forgive, and not sure when that will be. I have tried to seek out local help, those who I have sought do not have time for me. Why should they, everything else is more important that pitiful little me. I cannot ask forgiveness of others because I do not deserve it, not from them, and esp not from the Savior. I have continued to fail, even to the point of now having precious gifts and talents taken from me, and that I may never earn back again. The just consequences of my inabilities and failures. The conference talk went on to talk about suffering for our own sins. Again, wouldnt that be the just punishment for failure, judgement and non-forgiveness, for not being willing or able to do those things now?
I keep hoping to see some kind of change in the garden by the sea. It still stands empty and barren. It reflects my heart - empty, lonely, forsaken, broken.
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