I JUST DONT GET IT.....

Much has happened in the world and in our lives this last week. Celebrities died, nations continue to fall to pieces, and our personal choices have been taken from us.

Farah Fawcett died this week. She spent her career and her life doing good things and battled fiercely in recent months with a fatal disease which finally took her life. She stayed faithful to the same man for 20+years and they raised a beautiful family togther. The only mention she has received in the news is that she passed away and when her funeral will be....nothing more....because.....

Michael Jackson also died on the same day. A man who spent his life pursuing vanity, excessiveness, and immoral and illegal behavior. It is most likely true that his death was caused by his own actions, and yet he has received the accolades of the world and sometihng about him in the news EVERY day.....

It reminds me of a similar situation more than a decade ago when Mother Teresa and Princess Diana also died on the same day. Only brief mention was made about Mother Teresa - a woman who lived a humble life with only 2 goals in her mind and heart - loving and serving people throughout the world, doing the work of the Savior. When she died, that was all that was said about her. Only those who knew the kindness of her love and service truly mourned her loss...

Princess Diana lived a life misusing the wealth and prominence given her and was constantly in the news because of inappropriate dress and even more inappropriate behaviors, resulting in the breakup of her marriage and eventually ending her life. Yet she was in the news not only for days, but WEEKS, with the whole world mourning her and praising her.

Political unrest continues on the other side of the world because the voice of the people is ignored and even snuffed out by wicked leaders who only have harmful, and even deadly intentions. The world turns to hate and destruction and upholds these things vs trying to give help, support, and make good choices for the benefit of others....

This last week we have been part of an ongoing battle to win the rights (that should already be ours) of families throughout the state to have the choice to send our children to school where WE choose. Yet the dark influence of people who care only about greed, pride and selfishness has wielded its power in our state government and has worked (and succeeded) in irreparably damaging the chance/rights of thousands of children and families throughout the state by taking this right/choice from us. Because of wicked leaders, our children will suffer the ill consequences of the choices they have made for and about us, never once blinking an eye that it is beyond the wrong thing to do. While they twiddle around in their committees, and "buy" each other off by wheedling "deals", and put the schools on hold or close them completely, our children must move forward, unfortunately in less than desirable circumstances and schools that already do not, and will not, ever meet their individual needs. Dollar signs in pocketbooks, and politics are put before the needs of our most precious treasures - our children.

How do I continue to be in battle mode, both here in our local area and at the state level, only to be totally blown off, knowing that my one small voice has not (and prob will still not) made one bit of difference. Knowing that no matter what I do, what I say, no matter how hard I fight, that someone else who does not know or care about me or my children, will wield more power to make decicisons about my children and my family that will do harm rather than good, and it will leave me helples to fight it.

I have been in battle mode all this last year with our local school district board, teachers and administrators. This last week at the state level I felt defeated before I could even say or do anything. I am beyond weary in continuing to wage a "war" that only seems as if I lose more ground and more hope and more help for my children. I still struggle every day to just find the physical strength to get up in the morning and try to do something positive for myself or our family, let alone have to put on my "armor" to fight the bad guys too. I dont do it well, my emotions always get the better of me, no matter where I am, no matter what I try to say. My tears betray me every time, and show my weakness. I do not have the faith to hope for good to prevail, or for miracles to happen - esp in our schools, esp in our government.

The wicked powers that be have reared their ugly heads again and again - and seem to be winning.
When do the good guys get a break? When do the voices of the good people get listed to and heard? When will right prevail?

I know that this is just the beginning, that wickedness will continue to grow, and will seem to prevail before light and right will win. I just dont know if I can weather the storms that are to come. I am not sure I will have either the physical or the spiritual strength it will take to help myself or my children. I know that I am nothing, that I can do nothing, but I do not have the strength or faith or trust to let go enough to put everything in the hands of those who do have these things or beyond. I am fearful of what the future may hold, that I will be left to drift, alone, through the things that are to come. I often still feel that I am alone now, that I say too much or not enough, that I am not listened to or heard, that my efforts do not and never will make any difference, esp to those who mean the most to me. That eventually I really will be left alone, I will be replaced, because I am fat, and ugly, broken, useless, worthless.

Today the weight of darkness crushes me, as it has for so many months now, and esp this last week with so much energy expended in a seemingly losing battle. Even though the sun is shining and the sky is blue, I feel detached, trapped inside a glass ball that keeps everything out and yet is so fragile it could shatter at any moment and take me with it. Today the weight of the world is heavy on my mind and heart. Today I feel miniscule and insignificant. Today I feel that I truly just do not understand how others can make conscious choices to purposely inflict harm on others, to do lifelong damage without even blinking an eye. I dont understand how my own small, insignificant voice or choices can ever win for good or can ever make a difference. I just dont understand.