ONE OF THOSE DAYS

Personal journal entry - feel free to read or not...

Ever have "one of those days" that starts and doesnt seem to end. We are having one of those today
1) bad night for me for sleeping
2) Ky AND Kels both woke about 230AM in complete screaming hysterics. Had to move Caiden to the playroom so he could go back to sleep. Ended up being up with Kels for several hours while listening to Ky scream his head off. Surprised the girls slept through it all
3) When I went upstairs last night I found almost every light ON - bedrooms, bathrooms, hallway, playroom, etc. I was blown away by the number of lights still left on - or turned back on. We have talked with the kids about leaving lights on everywhere. Preston even spent extra $ and time putting in timer lights so they would go off after kids were asleep - problem is they leave the lights on in the "on" position, plus leaving on everything else. I just cant figure out what to do about kids/lights - having everything on is not ok. Any help or suggestions would be welcomed
4) Colton has picked up stomach flu and is home sick today with fever,listless, etc. The other kids were sick 1-3 days, so I guess we will just guage things by his behavior/fever before I can send him back to school
5) Ky went off on another screaming rampage again this morning and ended up back in his room for more than an hour before he finally calmed down enough for me to let him out.
6) Having dilema with getting more chicks/keeping current chicks. Didnt get turn out expected from offering Spring Portraits - but it was my bad for only being able to do it during Spring break....do I risk time/$/advertising again and come up empty? I would love to keep the chickens, but we are not zoned for them, without somewhere for them to go it really isnt ideal to get any more not knowing what we would do with them when we are done.
7) Chick bucket was extra tricky to clean out this morning
8) Seems there are 10 million piles of laundry to do - and not enough time/energy to do them in
9) Dogs are also throwing up today. They seem to think it is a good idea to chew/eat the hog fuel in the yard...you would think they would figure things out when they get sick...but they dont....one more pile of laundry to do....
10) May have to replace CH2M printer. I bought some customer delivery envelopes for prints, but got them slightly too big for our printer. Preston was willing to take them to work to try printing the labels there. Too bad neither of us knew they have been made with some kind of plastic instead of paper - and one of them melted inside the printer. We are waiting to hear what will happen next. Guess I will know where any PMR $ will be going if we end up having to pay for repairs/replacement....
11) Seems I am in a constant agitated state. I am jumpy, nervous, near tears and snap at everyone. Communication at home has completely broken down with everyone and it seems that my inability to get myself under control is spreading to everyone else. I am a worthless, useless, fat ugly hag that has my family/husband running scared and doing everything they can to avoid me. I know it has been a horrible winter for me and things have spun so out of control that I am not sure that even with the coming sunshine and warmer weather that it is going to help at all....
12) PMR shoots have been a struggle. It seems there is either something wrong with me - or possibly my camera - as I have not been able to get the clean, clear shots I have needed and hoped for. One shoot went esp bad and I am seriously looking at having to refund my fee and apologizing to the client for not getting picts. The other shoot was for our dear friends and though I thought things went well, picts are not as good as I hoped. I am concerned that both may not give the # of shots I like to give to clients or the quality that I am striving so hard to achieve....not sure where I will find those answers
13) Spiritual stuff is a struggle if not completely non-existent. Every lesson I hear, every talk, every everything just seems to confirm that I have failed and continue to fail and that I will never acheive the "ideals" and that the whole I am in is so big it could swallow the whole universe now. Relationships that have been lost/ruined in the past will never be resolved or fixed because of people who knew me in my "past" and the "now" me will never make up for what has been done. I still find myself messing up big time and failing at everything I put my hand to which only re-affirms to others that I am still that "past" person. It never lets go and is always there to haunt my days and nights. Forever for me is a non-existent black nothingness - I dont even dare hope anymore that I will someday be able to learn to paint the sky with sunsets or clouds, or learn how to create the delicate petal of a flower, or sit and have a snuggly conversation with an animal that is now wild or dangerous (tigers, whales, polar bears, etc) - all things that will be rewards for those choice,worthy souls who have been valiant and faithful....I know that has never been/will never be me.
14) Sugar is my enemy - I was doing so well until Christmas and all the extra stresses/struggles started. It seems it is all I crave, all that keeps me going when schedules are non-stop and I have time to eat a cookie on the fly because I havent found time to eat. I keep resolving to just not eat anymore, but then a day like today hits and I find myself curled back in bed, with cookies in hand and tears still running down my face and my head and body feeling like it will explode any minute.
I cant explain things enough for anyone else to understand where my brain and body are these days - these very long days that I trudge through alone because there is no one else to understand or even listen to me. It is very lonely and I seem to fall deeper into the hole or put up one more wall against everything and everyone and just kind of go through the motions of each day. Never really feeling, never able to reach out to anyone or to accomplish anything without messing things up or making them worse by trying/or not trying. No one will ever understand, and that makes it even harder to struggle through things on my own. Just one of those days that just keeps going....