PERSONAL JOURNAL ENTRY

I promised myself that I wouldnt post anymore about myself or my thoughts/feelings. After my last post I was so blasted by comments that couldnt have misunderstood me more and actually inflicted more wounds on top of existing ones.
If you choose to read this, do it at your own risk. I am not looking for comments, this post is for my own personal journal entry - to get my own thoughts on paper - I seem to be able to do this here when I cant seem to keep a paper journal to save my life....

A recent experience has got my brain going many different directions that all seem to go back to messages and teachings from the scriptures. I am trying to see how they relate to me, where I find myself and my circumstances these days in those words/teachings. I will prob bounce around a bit as my brain in just going in so many directions...

1) A local billboard has weekly thoughts posted on it having to do with scripture teachings. This last week the message board read "God's love doesnt take away trials, it helps you through them" I am not sure where I am on this one when I dont feel loved by anyone, let alone Heavenly Father or the Savior

2) The story of the Savior healing the blind man. All of society claimed the blindness was a punishment for his parents' sin - a) how horrible for them, no matter how true or righteously they lived their lives they were scorned and told they were cursed for a secret sin b) how horrible for this man to live his life shunned and uncared for (besides his parents) because his loss was proclaimed as deserved punishment for his parents' or his own sin....
The story teaches however, that the man's afflictions were given on purpose so that he/his parents could be true witnesses of the Savior, of his great love, mercy and power.
Am I the blind man? A friend would have me think so - that through serving me to bring comfort for my suffering it is allowing her to have a true knowledge of the Savior's love, mercy and power. My affliction is strengthening her.....

3) The stories of the lepers. Those who were inflicted with this devastating disease were isolated, and left to suffer and die horrific deaths. They were shown no mercy, love or understanding. This disease came by no fault of their own and yet no one cared or tried to understand. Those who did try to care, did try to serve, gained great learning experiences of compassion and service. They learned to help more, and judge less. Still where were the afflicted left? Still alone, still in great pain, still dying inside and out.
I often wonder if, being in my current state, that I am not unlike these lepers. So much is still not understood about my condition or the people who suffer like I do. So many other choose to judge and condemn vs to even try to listen or understand. Often I feel shunned and isolated.
What of those who try to serve me? I have been told they are receiving great blessings, great teachings. Even amid such time of joy for them, where does it leave me? Still alone, in the dark, dying inside.

4) I have recently been reading in the Book of Ether. The Jaredite people were blessed above all other nations because of their faith and righteousness. They also became so wicked that all traces of them were wiped from the face of the Earth....
In my reading it tells of all the blessings and joy because they chose good, they chose right. It also tells of all that was lost because they dwindled in unbelief and fell. The scripture says " oh ye wicked, let me show you all that you might have had if only you had been faithful.....your peace would have been as the flowing river and your blessings as endless as the sands of the sea....your sorrow and pain is by your own hand and the consequences of your wickedness and sin"
Along these lines my brain has also been thinking of that thought process that goes something like "you have a trial or affliction more than once because you didnt get it the first time, you didnt learn whatever it was you were supposed to"

So, with both these thoughts put together my brain seems to say 1) I am here again because apparently I STILL havent learned that something I should by now 2) My depths of sorrow and pain is the fact that I am being punished because of my own wickedness.
Have I all along just been using growing up past as just an excuse when the real truth is that I cannot find peace, I am unworthy to receive help or blessings because of all of my own lifetime of wickedness, sin and failure? Is that what I am supposed to learn finally? After everything, it really IS all my fault and always has been? That there is no hope, no future, no blessings, no anything - it is the consequences of my own actions - if this is so, then I must resign myself to the truth that is so apparent. Maybe I finally get it, maybe it has been there all along and I have just fought it, maybe now is the time to just forget and give up.