I promised myself that I wouldnt post anymore about myself or my thoughts/feelings. After my last post I was so blasted by comments that couldnt have misunderstood me more and actually inflicted more wounds on top of existing ones.
If you choose to read this, do it at your own risk. I am not looking for comments, this post is for my own personal journal entry - to get my own thoughts on paper - I seem to be able to do this here when I cant seem to keep a paper journal to save my life....
A recent experience has got my brain going many different directions that all seem to go back to messages and teachings from the scriptures. I am trying to see how they relate to me, where I find myself and my circumstances these days in those words/teachings. I will prob bounce around a bit as my brain in just going in so many directions...
1) A local billboard has weekly thoughts posted on it having to do with scripture teachings. This last week the message board read "God's love doesnt take away trials, it helps you through them" I am not sure where I am on this one when I dont feel loved by anyone, let alone Heavenly Father or the Savior
2) The story of the Savior healing the blind man. All of society claimed the blindness was a punishment for his parents' sin - a) how horrible for them, no matter how true or righteously they lived their lives they were scorned and told they were cursed for a secret sin b) how horrible for this man to live his life shunned and uncared for (besides his parents) because his loss was proclaimed as deserved punishment for his parents' or his own sin....
The story teaches however, that the man's afflictions were given on purpose so that he/his parents could be true witnesses of the Savior, of his great love, mercy and power.
Am I the blind man? A friend would have me think so - that through serving me to bring comfort for my suffering it is allowing her to have a true knowledge of the Savior's love, mercy and power. My affliction is strengthening her.....
3) The stories of the lepers. Those who were inflicted with this devastating disease were isolated, and left to suffer and die horrific deaths. They were shown no mercy, love or understanding. This disease came by no fault of their own and yet no one cared or tried to understand. Those who did try to care, did try to serve, gained great learning experiences of compassion and service. They learned to help more, and judge less. Still where were the afflicted left? Still alone, still in great pain, still dying inside and out.
I often wonder if, being in my current state, that I am not unlike these lepers. So much is still not understood about my condition or the people who suffer like I do. So many other choose to judge and condemn vs to even try to listen or understand. Often I feel shunned and isolated.
What of those who try to serve me? I have been told they are receiving great blessings, great teachings. Even amid such time of joy for them, where does it leave me? Still alone, in the dark, dying inside.
4) I have recently been reading in the Book of Ether. The Jaredite people were blessed above all other nations because of their faith and righteousness. They also became so wicked that all traces of them were wiped from the face of the Earth....
In my reading it tells of all the blessings and joy because they chose good, they chose right. It also tells of all that was lost because they dwindled in unbelief and fell. The scripture says " oh ye wicked, let me show you all that you might have had if only you had been faithful.....your peace would have been as the flowing river and your blessings as endless as the sands of the sea....your sorrow and pain is by your own hand and the consequences of your wickedness and sin"
Along these lines my brain has also been thinking of that thought process that goes something like "you have a trial or affliction more than once because you didnt get it the first time, you didnt learn whatever it was you were supposed to"
So, with both these thoughts put together my brain seems to say 1) I am here again because apparently I STILL havent learned that something I should by now 2) My depths of sorrow and pain is the fact that I am being punished because of my own wickedness.
Have I all along just been using growing up past as just an excuse when the real truth is that I cannot find peace, I am unworthy to receive help or blessings because of all of my own lifetime of wickedness, sin and failure? Is that what I am supposed to learn finally? After everything, it really IS all my fault and always has been? That there is no hope, no future, no blessings, no anything - it is the consequences of my own actions - if this is so, then I must resign myself to the truth that is so apparent. Maybe I finally get it, maybe it has been there all along and I have just fought it, maybe now is the time to just forget and give up.
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
BAXTER FAMILY UPDATE
We have had so much happen in the last week I thought I would just include all of our updates in one post rather than separate ones.
1) CERT - we didnt get picked for the coordinator position. My only thought is that I flubbed something big time - or they picked someone that probably has minimal to no outside responsibilities and has tons of time to take on this very time consuming, challenging position. Even though we didnt get chosen, we both feel that must be for the best and we will just move on to other things now. We did our best and that was what we could do.
2) Urology Specialist Appt - I went in to see my new doctor last week. I was a bit nervous as I had been told the dr was not the nicest person in the world to work with. I was more hopeful when a cute, bubbly nurse came and got me and did all my pre-appt stuff. I was even more hopeful when a very friendly PA came in and said she would be helping with my appt and anything in the future. She asked very good questions and really listened to what I said. She was floored when I showed her my stones - thinking my regular doctor would have done something with them (not). She took them for analysis to see if they confirmed same consistency of previous stones. When the doctor finally came in we talked for all of 2 minutes. I would say that she has a "conservative" personality - not so talkative, but what she did say she made good points and got across what they were willing to do for me. She was very surprised/concerned that knowing the contents of previous stones that I had not been put on stone preventing meds way before now. She prescibed starting over completely with new tests (all the yucky stuff again). She was not willing to jump right to the conclusion of surgery right away either, which surprised me. She wants a whole pict from all the lab stuff first and then we will discuss my options at my next appt in a couple of weeks.
I had a rough day before the appt and hadnt eaten much of anything before going - not knowing that part of my appt would be a blood draw. I was a bit freaked while waiting in the lab. I have only EVER had one lab tech who could get me on a first try without making me a pin cushion or black and blue from the needles. I warned the lab tech how difficult I usually am and I am sure my nerves didnt help or the fact that it was as cold as a meat locker in the lab area (I was so cold I was shaking/teeth chattering). The lab tech finally came to get me for my turn. He pulled out all the tricks - extra hot washcloths, peds butterfly needle and a ball to squeeze. I also lay back in the chair with my feet braced on the floor since I was already not feeling well. Better to brace up than fall out of the chair completely. I was pleasantly surprised that the tech actually got me in the first try (which I was thankful for when I heard the other tech miss several times on another patient - glad I didnt get her - ouch). Even though my tech got me on a first try he said it was really good that he didnt need to take more than the little bit he got - I am a slow bleeder too and he said he would have had to poke me again if he had different tests to run....thank goodness for me. I must have looked pretty pale and been a concern because the lab tech got me finished up and then went and got me some juice and told me to stay put. I slowly drank the juice and the tech made sure I was sturdy before he let me go. I was glad to get out of there - but nice to know that with all the new doctors that I can request another lab tech in the new lab.
I have a couple more labs to do and we are pretty much in holding pattern again until my next appt.
3) Kids' Doctor Appts - Kels, Colton and Ceana all had well child check ups this week. We love our peds office doctor and staff and they always do a great job with the kids. We were surprised to find that Kels only weighs 21 pounds - she is such a chunker everyone groans when they pick her up (and compares that Ky is way easier to pick up/carry even though he is older). We did find out that she is 29" long though - which would explain why she is wearing 18 month clothes for only being 9 months. Our doctor was thrilled with all the stuff she is doing and wasnt really surprised knowing she is in a house with so many older siblings. He was amazed at all the things she is eating, and didnt seem concerned at all that she is eating foods that have been 1 year+ foods. She didnt have to get any immunizations this time - but will get all the big ones at her 1 year appt. Our doctor warned us before hand and told us to be sure not to bring her in on her actual birthday since those shots will prob make her very sad. Not fun to look forward to - but so important. At least we know before so we can be ready.
Colton had a pretty good check up and only had a couple of concerns we will keep an eye on. His ruptured eardrums are healing which is good. He really struggled with the fine motor skills exercises though - which is consistent with what his teacher is seeing in class. We discussed his options and our doctor made it very clear he would help us get extra help for colton if he cant get it at school. His specialists at school were all ready to cut him loose in November which I convinced them was not a good idea because of fine motor stuff. Our doctor completely agreed and was even willing to write a letter to the school or help us get private help for colton if needed. It was interesting to me as I watch colton try to do the exercises our doctor uses for testing (standing on tip toes, squatting down, walking on his heels) - these are all things I thought were large motor - come to find out these are all fine motor skills - using tiny muscles in the feet/legs - which is why colton couldnt do them well or at all. I learned something new - even after all the stuff we have been through with colton. Our doctor suggested several things to help colton - some of which included things we are already doing - letting him cut, color, do puzzles, etc to try to strengthen his muscles. He also recommended getting some mini bathroom cups and have colton stack them in a tower multiple times in a row and also as fast as he can - watching him for muscle fatigue and to help him build more endurance. He also said baking is a great way to strenthen muscles - kneading bread dough or cutting out cookies with a cookie cutter can really help. Guess that will give me extra incentive to get some homemade bread and cookies made soon and on a more frequent basis.
Colton's big excitement from the appt was to tell everyone, several times, that he was SIX! He was also very impressed with himself for being able to give a potty sample and was not at all shy about telling all the nurses and our doctor that he "peed in a cup". I think he thought that was a very unusual request - which I guess it is - but was very proud of himself.
Ceana's check up also went well. She is very tall for her age and was told she is still growing! She also got perfect results for eye/hearing. Our doctor teased her that he was jealous she is so perfect in all these areas. She & our doctor also talked a bit about emotional stability and challenges of being a teenager. Our doctor is so kind and he does a great job with all of my kiddos, no matter what age they are. She left feeling like the appt went well (she goes by herself without me now) and that she was comfortable with our doctor/nurse.
Overall the kids' appts went really well and we wont have any more dr appts until May.
4) Allergy Specialist Appt - I was a bit nervous going into this appt too - with the way my body reacts to things I wasnt sure what they would/could do for me to test things. I pretty much stumped the nurse and doctor in that office too. The only thing I came away with from a very long, 2 hour appt, was results of all the things I am NOT allergic too - and that my fingers are not allergy related at all and all my sensitivities to pain meds/anesthetics was just something that we were going to have to still try to figure out on our own. The only thing I reacted to from the skin tests were my pollen/grass seed allergies - things we already knew. I was given an allergy med prescription and pretty much sent on my way. I feel like it wasnt the best use of my time (and Kaeli got rewarded BIG time for caring for Kels that whole time) and it didnt resolve any of the ??? we were hoping to get answered. So we really are still in the same place we were before the appt - which is nowhere closer to trying to get health things resolved.
I think this should update all of our info for now. I will be sure to post more after the next set of appts and should know by then whether I will be scheduled for surgery or not. For now, we are just waiting around again, trying to be patient.
1) CERT - we didnt get picked for the coordinator position. My only thought is that I flubbed something big time - or they picked someone that probably has minimal to no outside responsibilities and has tons of time to take on this very time consuming, challenging position. Even though we didnt get chosen, we both feel that must be for the best and we will just move on to other things now. We did our best and that was what we could do.
2) Urology Specialist Appt - I went in to see my new doctor last week. I was a bit nervous as I had been told the dr was not the nicest person in the world to work with. I was more hopeful when a cute, bubbly nurse came and got me and did all my pre-appt stuff. I was even more hopeful when a very friendly PA came in and said she would be helping with my appt and anything in the future. She asked very good questions and really listened to what I said. She was floored when I showed her my stones - thinking my regular doctor would have done something with them (not). She took them for analysis to see if they confirmed same consistency of previous stones. When the doctor finally came in we talked for all of 2 minutes. I would say that she has a "conservative" personality - not so talkative, but what she did say she made good points and got across what they were willing to do for me. She was very surprised/concerned that knowing the contents of previous stones that I had not been put on stone preventing meds way before now. She prescibed starting over completely with new tests (all the yucky stuff again). She was not willing to jump right to the conclusion of surgery right away either, which surprised me. She wants a whole pict from all the lab stuff first and then we will discuss my options at my next appt in a couple of weeks.
I had a rough day before the appt and hadnt eaten much of anything before going - not knowing that part of my appt would be a blood draw. I was a bit freaked while waiting in the lab. I have only EVER had one lab tech who could get me on a first try without making me a pin cushion or black and blue from the needles. I warned the lab tech how difficult I usually am and I am sure my nerves didnt help or the fact that it was as cold as a meat locker in the lab area (I was so cold I was shaking/teeth chattering). The lab tech finally came to get me for my turn. He pulled out all the tricks - extra hot washcloths, peds butterfly needle and a ball to squeeze. I also lay back in the chair with my feet braced on the floor since I was already not feeling well. Better to brace up than fall out of the chair completely. I was pleasantly surprised that the tech actually got me in the first try (which I was thankful for when I heard the other tech miss several times on another patient - glad I didnt get her - ouch). Even though my tech got me on a first try he said it was really good that he didnt need to take more than the little bit he got - I am a slow bleeder too and he said he would have had to poke me again if he had different tests to run....thank goodness for me. I must have looked pretty pale and been a concern because the lab tech got me finished up and then went and got me some juice and told me to stay put. I slowly drank the juice and the tech made sure I was sturdy before he let me go. I was glad to get out of there - but nice to know that with all the new doctors that I can request another lab tech in the new lab.
I have a couple more labs to do and we are pretty much in holding pattern again until my next appt.
3) Kids' Doctor Appts - Kels, Colton and Ceana all had well child check ups this week. We love our peds office doctor and staff and they always do a great job with the kids. We were surprised to find that Kels only weighs 21 pounds - she is such a chunker everyone groans when they pick her up (and compares that Ky is way easier to pick up/carry even though he is older). We did find out that she is 29" long though - which would explain why she is wearing 18 month clothes for only being 9 months. Our doctor was thrilled with all the stuff she is doing and wasnt really surprised knowing she is in a house with so many older siblings. He was amazed at all the things she is eating, and didnt seem concerned at all that she is eating foods that have been 1 year+ foods. She didnt have to get any immunizations this time - but will get all the big ones at her 1 year appt. Our doctor warned us before hand and told us to be sure not to bring her in on her actual birthday since those shots will prob make her very sad. Not fun to look forward to - but so important. At least we know before so we can be ready.
Colton had a pretty good check up and only had a couple of concerns we will keep an eye on. His ruptured eardrums are healing which is good. He really struggled with the fine motor skills exercises though - which is consistent with what his teacher is seeing in class. We discussed his options and our doctor made it very clear he would help us get extra help for colton if he cant get it at school. His specialists at school were all ready to cut him loose in November which I convinced them was not a good idea because of fine motor stuff. Our doctor completely agreed and was even willing to write a letter to the school or help us get private help for colton if needed. It was interesting to me as I watch colton try to do the exercises our doctor uses for testing (standing on tip toes, squatting down, walking on his heels) - these are all things I thought were large motor - come to find out these are all fine motor skills - using tiny muscles in the feet/legs - which is why colton couldnt do them well or at all. I learned something new - even after all the stuff we have been through with colton. Our doctor suggested several things to help colton - some of which included things we are already doing - letting him cut, color, do puzzles, etc to try to strengthen his muscles. He also recommended getting some mini bathroom cups and have colton stack them in a tower multiple times in a row and also as fast as he can - watching him for muscle fatigue and to help him build more endurance. He also said baking is a great way to strenthen muscles - kneading bread dough or cutting out cookies with a cookie cutter can really help. Guess that will give me extra incentive to get some homemade bread and cookies made soon and on a more frequent basis.
Colton's big excitement from the appt was to tell everyone, several times, that he was SIX! He was also very impressed with himself for being able to give a potty sample and was not at all shy about telling all the nurses and our doctor that he "peed in a cup". I think he thought that was a very unusual request - which I guess it is - but was very proud of himself.
Ceana's check up also went well. She is very tall for her age and was told she is still growing! She also got perfect results for eye/hearing. Our doctor teased her that he was jealous she is so perfect in all these areas. She & our doctor also talked a bit about emotional stability and challenges of being a teenager. Our doctor is so kind and he does a great job with all of my kiddos, no matter what age they are. She left feeling like the appt went well (she goes by herself without me now) and that she was comfortable with our doctor/nurse.
Overall the kids' appts went really well and we wont have any more dr appts until May.
4) Allergy Specialist Appt - I was a bit nervous going into this appt too - with the way my body reacts to things I wasnt sure what they would/could do for me to test things. I pretty much stumped the nurse and doctor in that office too. The only thing I came away with from a very long, 2 hour appt, was results of all the things I am NOT allergic too - and that my fingers are not allergy related at all and all my sensitivities to pain meds/anesthetics was just something that we were going to have to still try to figure out on our own. The only thing I reacted to from the skin tests were my pollen/grass seed allergies - things we already knew. I was given an allergy med prescription and pretty much sent on my way. I feel like it wasnt the best use of my time (and Kaeli got rewarded BIG time for caring for Kels that whole time) and it didnt resolve any of the ??? we were hoping to get answered. So we really are still in the same place we were before the appt - which is nowhere closer to trying to get health things resolved.
I think this should update all of our info for now. I will be sure to post more after the next set of appts and should know by then whether I will be scheduled for surgery or not. For now, we are just waiting around again, trying to be patient.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
BUILDING CHARACTER
After all the challenges this week I have felt like Heavenly Father is throwing so much at me that he is expecting me to gain a lifetime of character in just one week!
My recent posts have just covered one area of the challenges I have been personally battling with. As I have struggled, my heart has also been with other family members who are also struggling just as much, or more, than I am.
I found out at this week that at least 3 of my 5 sis-in-laws are experiencing severe health concerns as well. One other sis-in-law has been in challenge mode for some time, and my other, although I am not aware at this time of anything personal, her husband has been struggling through the not so fun process of a nasty broken foot.
They have all been in my thoughts and prayers - as that is all I can extend to them at this moment....it is frustrating to me to be in a point where I cant even give love or calls or help to those I love most because we are also in the middle of so many challenges....
It has also been frustrating to not be able to give back anything more than my verbal thanx (which is so miniscule) for the kindness, love, friendship and hours of service that have been poured out upon me and our family in this last week, and in recent weeks.
It seems at times that we go along so peacefully, feeling like we are really accomplishing things, feeling like we are making good progress - and then SLAM! we get one thing after another, that any one thing alone would be more than could be handled, and yet multiple things are piled on all at once.
As I was laying in bed tonight, again not sleeping, my mind went to the prophet Joseph and when he was at a breaking point too. He and other bretheren had been taken by force, accused falsely (again) and thrown into prison. They were treated harshly by wicked men who couldnt care less if the men died. They were cold, wet, sick, starving. Joseph's prayer went to Heavenly Father - just as the Savior did - "Why hast thou forsaken me?" The reply he received was that he was not left alone, and that even these (horrible) things would be for Joseph's good, that they were but a small moment in the expanse of eternity, and that if Joseph endured it well that he would inheirit the kingdom of heaven.
It is a very moving, very emotional story from Joseph's life and in church history. It also has a very strong message - we are never left alone. We are surrounded by angels (mortal or immortal) and Heavenly Father knows about every minute of our strugles. Also "keep on, keeping on", "continue to fight the good fight", and "this too shall pass" and that these things are for the greater good of building strong, valiant men and women of the kingdom.
This message of comfort and promise came with an IF though, our part of the "deal"- IF you endure it well. I have a friend right now who is rocking in this enduring - she has found the "ah hah" of this message - and many others in the scriptures - she is taking on challenges and winning - she is choosing to keep the eternal goals in perspective and applying to the simple things of her life like family, everyday family stress, and exercise and eating...she is amazing anyway - but seeing her growth and joy has made me admire her all the more for the example she is to me and so many others around her.
Then there is me. I feel like in the same amount of time that my friend has been achieving, choosing to win, moving forward with leaps and bounds - that I have been everything that is the exact opposite. I have given in to sorrow and pain and emotional eating. I have been grouchy at best and nasty at worst. I am not enduring things well and that IF hangs over my head every day...I feel like I am only in survival mode and usually moving backwards instead of forwards. I feel like I am fighting and enduring all the wrong things and with the wrong attitude. My recent posts, for the most part, have reflected all of these things. I am sure anyone who has been reading has long given up since all I do is fuss whine all the time. I would give up on me too....
I keep telling myself that it is the weather - that what I am experiencing is a physical change that changes everything else around me - something that takes away the light and any will to fight and endure. Am I just making excuses? Am I just making things up? I definately did not make up the kidney stone thing - but I have not chosen to have a good attitude - I have chosen to get mad and I have shown exceptionally bad manners. What about the seasonal thing - it is also physical - how do I endure when my brain is overflowing with so much negative and barely surviving that I cant escape outside of my own little world of pain and grief and struggle -
And yet I do - every day - I change 10 diapers in one day, I dress and feed little ones every day, I make my son a 3rd PB&J for lunch, I take time to take picts of my 9month old's hilarious expressions. I am reading my scriptures, no matter that it may be one or two verses or a whole chapter, I am having scriptures and prayers with whoever happens to be home for night routine (which recently has just been me and the little boys)I am fighting with doctors to try to manage my health, I am fighting with the school district (again) for the betterment of our kids and teachers. I am just getting out of bed every day, and even some days getting dressed. I am trying to follow through on photography committments that help and serve others, I am finding joy and fulfillment in the often mundane and little things that no one else notices (making choc milk for little people who drink it like it is going out of style)I am finding joy in getting behind the camera to capture special, once in a lifetime moments, for others with the purpose not to make zillions of dollars, but to bring others joy from sharing that experience.
So - are these little things "enduring" even through the grumbling and the crying and the pain? Will it be enough to be an heir to eternity? Personally, I still cant believe it is, my brain and heart have still not healed enough to allow me that hope. I know so many others could talk until they were blue in the face trying to convince me - but I do not have the capacity to believe it. Yet some little part of me must believe it because I "keep on, keeping on" and one day after another has gone by and I have made it through - even if it has only been surviving one minute at a time. My brain cannot let go of the wrongs of the past, or present, and it taints any hope for the future. But I keep going, even if it is just to try and hope that what I do today in those "small and simple things" will be enough to help the kids be strong and safe in these tumultuous times. For that reason alone, I move forward, even if it is at a snail's pace.
Here's to enduring.
My recent posts have just covered one area of the challenges I have been personally battling with. As I have struggled, my heart has also been with other family members who are also struggling just as much, or more, than I am.
I found out at this week that at least 3 of my 5 sis-in-laws are experiencing severe health concerns as well. One other sis-in-law has been in challenge mode for some time, and my other, although I am not aware at this time of anything personal, her husband has been struggling through the not so fun process of a nasty broken foot.
They have all been in my thoughts and prayers - as that is all I can extend to them at this moment....it is frustrating to me to be in a point where I cant even give love or calls or help to those I love most because we are also in the middle of so many challenges....
It has also been frustrating to not be able to give back anything more than my verbal thanx (which is so miniscule) for the kindness, love, friendship and hours of service that have been poured out upon me and our family in this last week, and in recent weeks.
It seems at times that we go along so peacefully, feeling like we are really accomplishing things, feeling like we are making good progress - and then SLAM! we get one thing after another, that any one thing alone would be more than could be handled, and yet multiple things are piled on all at once.
As I was laying in bed tonight, again not sleeping, my mind went to the prophet Joseph and when he was at a breaking point too. He and other bretheren had been taken by force, accused falsely (again) and thrown into prison. They were treated harshly by wicked men who couldnt care less if the men died. They were cold, wet, sick, starving. Joseph's prayer went to Heavenly Father - just as the Savior did - "Why hast thou forsaken me?" The reply he received was that he was not left alone, and that even these (horrible) things would be for Joseph's good, that they were but a small moment in the expanse of eternity, and that if Joseph endured it well that he would inheirit the kingdom of heaven.
It is a very moving, very emotional story from Joseph's life and in church history. It also has a very strong message - we are never left alone. We are surrounded by angels (mortal or immortal) and Heavenly Father knows about every minute of our strugles. Also "keep on, keeping on", "continue to fight the good fight", and "this too shall pass" and that these things are for the greater good of building strong, valiant men and women of the kingdom.
This message of comfort and promise came with an IF though, our part of the "deal"- IF you endure it well. I have a friend right now who is rocking in this enduring - she has found the "ah hah" of this message - and many others in the scriptures - she is taking on challenges and winning - she is choosing to keep the eternal goals in perspective and applying to the simple things of her life like family, everyday family stress, and exercise and eating...she is amazing anyway - but seeing her growth and joy has made me admire her all the more for the example she is to me and so many others around her.
Then there is me. I feel like in the same amount of time that my friend has been achieving, choosing to win, moving forward with leaps and bounds - that I have been everything that is the exact opposite. I have given in to sorrow and pain and emotional eating. I have been grouchy at best and nasty at worst. I am not enduring things well and that IF hangs over my head every day...I feel like I am only in survival mode and usually moving backwards instead of forwards. I feel like I am fighting and enduring all the wrong things and with the wrong attitude. My recent posts, for the most part, have reflected all of these things. I am sure anyone who has been reading has long given up since all I do is fuss whine all the time. I would give up on me too....
I keep telling myself that it is the weather - that what I am experiencing is a physical change that changes everything else around me - something that takes away the light and any will to fight and endure. Am I just making excuses? Am I just making things up? I definately did not make up the kidney stone thing - but I have not chosen to have a good attitude - I have chosen to get mad and I have shown exceptionally bad manners. What about the seasonal thing - it is also physical - how do I endure when my brain is overflowing with so much negative and barely surviving that I cant escape outside of my own little world of pain and grief and struggle -
And yet I do - every day - I change 10 diapers in one day, I dress and feed little ones every day, I make my son a 3rd PB&J for lunch, I take time to take picts of my 9month old's hilarious expressions. I am reading my scriptures, no matter that it may be one or two verses or a whole chapter, I am having scriptures and prayers with whoever happens to be home for night routine (which recently has just been me and the little boys)I am fighting with doctors to try to manage my health, I am fighting with the school district (again) for the betterment of our kids and teachers. I am just getting out of bed every day, and even some days getting dressed. I am trying to follow through on photography committments that help and serve others, I am finding joy and fulfillment in the often mundane and little things that no one else notices (making choc milk for little people who drink it like it is going out of style)I am finding joy in getting behind the camera to capture special, once in a lifetime moments, for others with the purpose not to make zillions of dollars, but to bring others joy from sharing that experience.
So - are these little things "enduring" even through the grumbling and the crying and the pain? Will it be enough to be an heir to eternity? Personally, I still cant believe it is, my brain and heart have still not healed enough to allow me that hope. I know so many others could talk until they were blue in the face trying to convince me - but I do not have the capacity to believe it. Yet some little part of me must believe it because I "keep on, keeping on" and one day after another has gone by and I have made it through - even if it has only been surviving one minute at a time. My brain cannot let go of the wrongs of the past, or present, and it taints any hope for the future. But I keep going, even if it is just to try and hope that what I do today in those "small and simple things" will be enough to help the kids be strong and safe in these tumultuous times. For that reason alone, I move forward, even if it is at a snail's pace.
Here's to enduring.
Friday, February 6, 2009
STUPID ROCKS II
Well, I thought I would go ahead and give everyone an update to what we found out this week. I went to my dr office on Wed - after having been told almost a week ago that there was no emergency so I would just be seen whenever.....I passed the stones Tues...
When I got to the Dr office our current doctor was pretty much clueless about what to do with me. She listened and took lots of notes - that was it. I told her about the meds I have been alternating - ibuprofen and pain meds - and all she had to say was "you prob shouldnt do that for more than a couple of days" - I HAVE been doing that for an entire week - what were my options for continuing to treat the pain and throbbing? Her answer - increase both meds by another dosage - what? We went out to the nurse and tried to schedule a CT scan - but that also went badly. Thankfully the hospital had an opening yesterday evening to fit me in.
I had a spiral CT scan done. The technician was quite a crack up - he was VERY personable and really easy to work with. He asked tons of specific questions and really listened when I answered them. The CT was easy and I was surprised when the technician led me back to the tech room and actually showed me my scan - normally the techs are not allowed to say anything and you are hustled out pretty quickly.
I was more than shocked to see multiple stones of multiple sizes in BOTH kidneys. Lovely.
I finally talked to my dr. late today - after multiple phone calls(1st one made at 830am), rude receptionists, and preston putting us on a conference call together with the doctor. We were both pretty fed up with how things have gone. Even on the phone call our dr acted as if she was barely reading the report as she was talking to us. She seemed "ho hum" about the number and sizes of the stones (oh, 2mm, that would prob hurt) DUH - been there done that the last week - and yes, by the way, it DID hurt. The report also said that I have a 9.3mm stone in the left kidney - that is a big YIKES and reason enough for a serious discussion about needing a specialist ASAP. All she could do was say - well, yes,this prob means you should see a specialist - Preston had already CALLED to find a new specialist - and point blank told our dr that she needed to send a referral over TODAY to the new office so we could try to get in. The whole thing was just ridiculous. After that phone call and after multiple experiences like this in recent months for both of us we have decided we are going to find a NEW family practitioner for both of us. I made that phone call tonight too.
So, at this point we are waiting - again. Both of us are very frustrated that things have just dragged and no one is taking me seriously about the immediate concern of having more stones get stuck while everyone else is twiddling around. Preston verbally expressed his concern and worry for me while we were on the phone - he is usually pretty calm about everything - so watching me go through this all week has really thrown him. (Sorry sweetie for making you so worried.) I told him he is my conquering hero for lots of things he has done this week - battling for me on the phone is just one more reason why I love him and that he is my hero.
BTW - if any of you have never seen a stone - I did keep the ones I passed - they are ugly little things - and my pict isnt very good - but thought you might like to see - The pain these 2 stupid things caused is beyond description - I shudder to think if we have something happen with that bigger stone while we are in holding pattern....
When I got to the Dr office our current doctor was pretty much clueless about what to do with me. She listened and took lots of notes - that was it. I told her about the meds I have been alternating - ibuprofen and pain meds - and all she had to say was "you prob shouldnt do that for more than a couple of days" - I HAVE been doing that for an entire week - what were my options for continuing to treat the pain and throbbing? Her answer - increase both meds by another dosage - what? We went out to the nurse and tried to schedule a CT scan - but that also went badly. Thankfully the hospital had an opening yesterday evening to fit me in.
I had a spiral CT scan done. The technician was quite a crack up - he was VERY personable and really easy to work with. He asked tons of specific questions and really listened when I answered them. The CT was easy and I was surprised when the technician led me back to the tech room and actually showed me my scan - normally the techs are not allowed to say anything and you are hustled out pretty quickly.
I was more than shocked to see multiple stones of multiple sizes in BOTH kidneys. Lovely.
I finally talked to my dr. late today - after multiple phone calls(1st one made at 830am), rude receptionists, and preston putting us on a conference call together with the doctor. We were both pretty fed up with how things have gone. Even on the phone call our dr acted as if she was barely reading the report as she was talking to us. She seemed "ho hum" about the number and sizes of the stones (oh, 2mm, that would prob hurt) DUH - been there done that the last week - and yes, by the way, it DID hurt. The report also said that I have a 9.3mm stone in the left kidney - that is a big YIKES and reason enough for a serious discussion about needing a specialist ASAP. All she could do was say - well, yes,this prob means you should see a specialist - Preston had already CALLED to find a new specialist - and point blank told our dr that she needed to send a referral over TODAY to the new office so we could try to get in. The whole thing was just ridiculous. After that phone call and after multiple experiences like this in recent months for both of us we have decided we are going to find a NEW family practitioner for both of us. I made that phone call tonight too.
So, at this point we are waiting - again. Both of us are very frustrated that things have just dragged and no one is taking me seriously about the immediate concern of having more stones get stuck while everyone else is twiddling around. Preston verbally expressed his concern and worry for me while we were on the phone - he is usually pretty calm about everything - so watching me go through this all week has really thrown him. (Sorry sweetie for making you so worried.) I told him he is my conquering hero for lots of things he has done this week - battling for me on the phone is just one more reason why I love him and that he is my hero.
BTW - if any of you have never seen a stone - I did keep the ones I passed - they are ugly little things - and my pict isnt very good - but thought you might like to see - The pain these 2 stupid things caused is beyond description - I shudder to think if we have something happen with that bigger stone while we are in holding pattern....
Sunday, February 1, 2009
STUPID ROCKS....
I have had several inquiries as to my health concerning my kidney stones so I thought I would throw a short post up.
I wish I could say that I was right a few days ago that I had passed the stone - unfortunately, after 3 more days of severe attacks, and heavy meds the dumb thing is still in there.
I am having a feeling that this stone may be bigger than usual and it just keeps getting stuck vs moving anywhere. Hence the horrible bouts of pain and then relief for several hours.
I will be calling my doctor in the morning to see if we can at least schedule x-rays. I will also be asking her about other meds options. It seems I have developed 2 more sensitivities to meds that I have been able to take in the past that are now not working/causing other side effects.
I will also be trying to see if I can find a new specialist as my doctor moved his practice to Salem Hospital instead....
Stupid rocks. It amazes me that we have had so many challenges this last month, esp in the last week. We have our schedule more full than we can handle - all of us needing to be in more than one place at a time and trying to figure out what to get to and how. I dont have time to be dealing with kidney stones and heavy meds...
I will try to get another post up when I find out more from my doctor and see what the next plan will be.
On a side note - watch soon on my photo blog and maybe here too for the CHS Sound of Music picts. I was able to attend a family tech run through last night and got some AMAZING picts. The kids did a really great job and I cant wait to go to full dress rehersals next week. I will only be posting CHS picts for awhile for all the kids. It will be great fun! If you havent gotten your tickets for the play yet, be sure to do so soon - the kids have worked really hard and they did a wonderful job for such a big production! Watch for more to come soon!
I wish I could say that I was right a few days ago that I had passed the stone - unfortunately, after 3 more days of severe attacks, and heavy meds the dumb thing is still in there.
I am having a feeling that this stone may be bigger than usual and it just keeps getting stuck vs moving anywhere. Hence the horrible bouts of pain and then relief for several hours.
I will be calling my doctor in the morning to see if we can at least schedule x-rays. I will also be asking her about other meds options. It seems I have developed 2 more sensitivities to meds that I have been able to take in the past that are now not working/causing other side effects.
I will also be trying to see if I can find a new specialist as my doctor moved his practice to Salem Hospital instead....
Stupid rocks. It amazes me that we have had so many challenges this last month, esp in the last week. We have our schedule more full than we can handle - all of us needing to be in more than one place at a time and trying to figure out what to get to and how. I dont have time to be dealing with kidney stones and heavy meds...
I will try to get another post up when I find out more from my doctor and see what the next plan will be.
On a side note - watch soon on my photo blog and maybe here too for the CHS Sound of Music picts. I was able to attend a family tech run through last night and got some AMAZING picts. The kids did a really great job and I cant wait to go to full dress rehersals next week. I will only be posting CHS picts for awhile for all the kids. It will be great fun! If you havent gotten your tickets for the play yet, be sure to do so soon - the kids have worked really hard and they did a wonderful job for such a big production! Watch for more to come soon!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
KIDNEY STONES ARE A PAIN.....LITERALLY
After a very short night (less than 4 hrs off and on) I got up at 6am with a slight pinching on my right side. I didnt think anything of it, figuring I had slept in a funny position.
By 7am the pain was so piercing that I was severely nauseated and in a heap on the rug, unable to move or think past the pain....Stupid rocks.
Thankfully Preston was still home with us this morning when all this was happening. He was able to hunt down my heavy duty medications and help the little boys get ready for school.
When the meds finally started working enough for me to move I climbed into an extra hot bath to try and relax the muscles and get heat on the worst areas. Preston took the boys to school for me.
I spent most of the day feeling very drugged and spent my time alternating between helping Ky & Kels and laying on the couch.
I think I passed the stone sometime today, though I never saw it. It must have been fairly large, as far as stones go for me, because my back is very sore and feels bruised. I am completely exhausted after trying to get through the pain and meds and caring for little people all day.
Apparently being off city water really was making a difference. Even though I passed stones through the whole pregnancy with Kels, they were small and mostly painless. Today was back to what we have been through all along being on the city water - which is filled with high levels of calcium and phosphates that my body cant tolerate.
I think I had Preston in quite a state again today - esp knowing he couldnt be home at all to help me (he had work, drill, and is giving a presentation at OSU). This morning when he left I was in the same state of mind, not knowing what the day would bring. He has been concerned enough that he spent some of his time today looking into getting commerically bottled water in the house again. (we just discontinued our service trying to re-group all of our finances).
It seems it has made a big enough difference to my health after all. I hate to put that much $ out again, knowing that we are trying to cut out all of our extras to conserve finances, but it really might be the best option vs what we went through today, and having to put even more $ into ER visits and possible surgery again, besides having to find a new doctor.
Stupid rocks....
By 7am the pain was so piercing that I was severely nauseated and in a heap on the rug, unable to move or think past the pain....Stupid rocks.
Thankfully Preston was still home with us this morning when all this was happening. He was able to hunt down my heavy duty medications and help the little boys get ready for school.
When the meds finally started working enough for me to move I climbed into an extra hot bath to try and relax the muscles and get heat on the worst areas. Preston took the boys to school for me.
I spent most of the day feeling very drugged and spent my time alternating between helping Ky & Kels and laying on the couch.
I think I passed the stone sometime today, though I never saw it. It must have been fairly large, as far as stones go for me, because my back is very sore and feels bruised. I am completely exhausted after trying to get through the pain and meds and caring for little people all day.
Apparently being off city water really was making a difference. Even though I passed stones through the whole pregnancy with Kels, they were small and mostly painless. Today was back to what we have been through all along being on the city water - which is filled with high levels of calcium and phosphates that my body cant tolerate.
I think I had Preston in quite a state again today - esp knowing he couldnt be home at all to help me (he had work, drill, and is giving a presentation at OSU). This morning when he left I was in the same state of mind, not knowing what the day would bring. He has been concerned enough that he spent some of his time today looking into getting commerically bottled water in the house again. (we just discontinued our service trying to re-group all of our finances).
It seems it has made a big enough difference to my health after all. I hate to put that much $ out again, knowing that we are trying to cut out all of our extras to conserve finances, but it really might be the best option vs what we went through today, and having to put even more $ into ER visits and possible surgery again, besides having to find a new doctor.
Stupid rocks....
Sunday, January 25, 2009
GUILT & GRATITUDE
Blogging has become one of the joys of my life. It allows me to chat with friends far and near and share things about our lives and families with each other. It has also allowed me the opportunity to keep a journal more easily - something I have always struggled with. This is fair warning to anyone who happens to peruse my posts - Christy, this means you - that this post is my journal entry for today and it will NOT be pretty. Read at your own risk.
Satan is a crafty wretch. He can use guilt as one of his biggest tools to bring us down. He finds great pleasure in finding anyway he can to bring us down. He esp delights, I am sure, when he can nail you right in the middle of church when you are supposed to be feeling uplifted and peaceful. That being said and recognized, it doesnt make it any easier to do something about it - esp when the skies are gray-black, and it is freezing and rainy outside, and my husband has to physically walk in and turn my lightbox on and put meds on my fingers because I am so far gone today I cant do it for myself.....
Everything about today, and the last week, has SCREAMED at me that I am a failure. Getting to church was an ordeal in itself today, and leaving church screamed "dont let the door hit you on the way out, and BTW dont even think about walking through the door again unless you can keep your children under control and quiet as statues"
Guilt has overwhelmed me all week about all the things I am not doing, not been able to do, not looking like I will do anytime soon. These are the things that I am struggling with -
1) Not having time or energy to even make a cake for my daughter's birthday. A good friend made a special cake for her at my request so Ce would at least have a homemade cake
2) I have no energy, time or desire to even think about participating in the family weightloss thing - thereby putting all the extra pressure on preston to do more to try to win back $ we put into the "pot"
3) Sleep pretty much being non-existent, and when I am sleeping I am having horrible nightmares. This is leaving me even more drained to try to take care of home or kiddos
4) Feeling like every time that Preston & the kids walk out the door that they take a piece of me with them, leaving me feeling more anxious, stressed and worn out. By the time the pieces are put back together at night I am beyond mental or emotional strength to put the "puzzle" back together. I know this doesnt make any sense to anyone but me
5) Constantly craving sugar - and not being able to fight the rule of "dont treat the blues with a treat"
6) In caring for my family and home that I dont have the time/energy to attend all the school/community meetings that keep me "in the loop" that effect my family. There is a new universal park being constructed that really needs parent input-and there were no parents attending those meetings except for me. We also found out our district is seriously considering dropping all of the arts/music programs in our district and firing all of those teachers plus some.
Had I been attending school board meetings I would have been aware - again I was usually the only parent attending those meetings as well. The new school parent committe keeps contacting me and all I can tell them is "not right now". All of these things are SO important - and I am already spread so thin, or engulfed in "darkness" that I cannot get to them.
7) I am also worried about how things are going for Preston at work. He has had a project come back that needs some pretty major fixes and he has been spending all of his time working on them and finding more and more wrong. He hasnt even started on the work he went to colorado to pick up, and it may have been passed onto someone else now after all he did. He usually doesnt get bent out of shape about anything, but this project really has him worried - which in turn worries me. There is nothing I can do to help him at all, and that hurts too.
8) I feel like I am an ugly hag. I am not going to even talk about my weight. My eyes have huge dark circles under them because of not sleeping. I look like a walking zombie most of the time. I think that my hair has actually stopped growing -and it breaks off and falls out every time I brush it. No matter what I do with it, it never looks ok. I feel like I never want to go out in public, esp with preston or the kids, because I am afraid that I am a total embarassment to them because of the way I look. It makes me even less likely to even attempt to go out, esp on my bad days (which today has been)
There are so many other things I could write about, but I would be writing forever....
OK, so this started out with all the turmoil in my soul. I had to take a break to attend an extra meeting to represent Activities Committee. In that meeting the main talk was of planning and setting goals for the ward for the coming year. In the end I think the main goal was to help the ward focus on the "small and simple things" to strengthen our families - it seems to be a running theme already and it is only the end of January. We talked about maybe setting 3 goals that we can perfect over the next year - small, simple things, things that can be measured and tracked.
We also talked about keeping our eyes on the positive things, all the things that we are doing well, all the good that is happening.
I am sad that the gal I subbed for is sick, but I guess I was supposed to attend this meeting today to help me put things back into perspective....
I can become completely overwhelmed and pounded by all the things I am not, and cannot do right now. The weather doesnt help those feelings. I can try to remember to do small and simple things - no matter how small or simple - it is still moving in the right direction. Today the "nots" have really got me down, but tomorrow is a new day.
I can try to remember the blessing Preston recently gave me that told me to take things one day, one hour, even one minute at a time to help me get through each day. Today, I am only tracking minutes, maybe later or by tomorrow I might be able to track hours.
I can try to remember that even if all I do is change diapers and wash my hands 100 times in one day that I have cared for my 2 smallest children to keep them safe and comfortable. If I only do 1 load of laundry, the rest will wait. If I can keep all my kiddos in sacrament meeting together, and not have to take someone out or spend the whole of sacrament meeting with someone on time out, that is a great accomplishment, no matter what anyone else says or thinks.
I am doing my best to raise my small children. Others are done with that, and are good at doling out advice, or have forgotten what it is like when they get upset over little one's noise. I can try to do the best that I can and need to try hard not to let anyone else's opinions or comments make me feel guilty or horrible. That is hard for me to do - esp on my extra bad days - and those are the days I will need to try to take 1 minute at a time to get through those moments. Other people's comments can and do hurt, even unintentinally, but I need to do my best to not let Satan use them to hurt me. That is hard, I have lived almost my whole life being made to feel guilty about everything and anything, I have been pressured by others to do or be what they want. I have only recently in the last few years learned to stand up for myself and my family. I need to try to remember all the positive things I have done to reach that goal - I have done it in the past and I can do it now, or least I can keep trying to.
Remembering the positive and the good that can be accomplished, even a minute at a time, is moving in the right direction.
Satan is a crafty wretch. He can use guilt as one of his biggest tools to bring us down. He finds great pleasure in finding anyway he can to bring us down. He esp delights, I am sure, when he can nail you right in the middle of church when you are supposed to be feeling uplifted and peaceful. That being said and recognized, it doesnt make it any easier to do something about it - esp when the skies are gray-black, and it is freezing and rainy outside, and my husband has to physically walk in and turn my lightbox on and put meds on my fingers because I am so far gone today I cant do it for myself.....
Everything about today, and the last week, has SCREAMED at me that I am a failure. Getting to church was an ordeal in itself today, and leaving church screamed "dont let the door hit you on the way out, and BTW dont even think about walking through the door again unless you can keep your children under control and quiet as statues"
Guilt has overwhelmed me all week about all the things I am not doing, not been able to do, not looking like I will do anytime soon. These are the things that I am struggling with -
1) Not having time or energy to even make a cake for my daughter's birthday. A good friend made a special cake for her at my request so Ce would at least have a homemade cake
2) I have no energy, time or desire to even think about participating in the family weightloss thing - thereby putting all the extra pressure on preston to do more to try to win back $ we put into the "pot"
3) Sleep pretty much being non-existent, and when I am sleeping I am having horrible nightmares. This is leaving me even more drained to try to take care of home or kiddos
4) Feeling like every time that Preston & the kids walk out the door that they take a piece of me with them, leaving me feeling more anxious, stressed and worn out. By the time the pieces are put back together at night I am beyond mental or emotional strength to put the "puzzle" back together. I know this doesnt make any sense to anyone but me
5) Constantly craving sugar - and not being able to fight the rule of "dont treat the blues with a treat"
6) In caring for my family and home that I dont have the time/energy to attend all the school/community meetings that keep me "in the loop" that effect my family. There is a new universal park being constructed that really needs parent input-and there were no parents attending those meetings except for me. We also found out our district is seriously considering dropping all of the arts/music programs in our district and firing all of those teachers plus some.
Had I been attending school board meetings I would have been aware - again I was usually the only parent attending those meetings as well. The new school parent committe keeps contacting me and all I can tell them is "not right now". All of these things are SO important - and I am already spread so thin, or engulfed in "darkness" that I cannot get to them.
7) I am also worried about how things are going for Preston at work. He has had a project come back that needs some pretty major fixes and he has been spending all of his time working on them and finding more and more wrong. He hasnt even started on the work he went to colorado to pick up, and it may have been passed onto someone else now after all he did. He usually doesnt get bent out of shape about anything, but this project really has him worried - which in turn worries me. There is nothing I can do to help him at all, and that hurts too.
8) I feel like I am an ugly hag. I am not going to even talk about my weight. My eyes have huge dark circles under them because of not sleeping. I look like a walking zombie most of the time. I think that my hair has actually stopped growing -and it breaks off and falls out every time I brush it. No matter what I do with it, it never looks ok. I feel like I never want to go out in public, esp with preston or the kids, because I am afraid that I am a total embarassment to them because of the way I look. It makes me even less likely to even attempt to go out, esp on my bad days (which today has been)
There are so many other things I could write about, but I would be writing forever....
OK, so this started out with all the turmoil in my soul. I had to take a break to attend an extra meeting to represent Activities Committee. In that meeting the main talk was of planning and setting goals for the ward for the coming year. In the end I think the main goal was to help the ward focus on the "small and simple things" to strengthen our families - it seems to be a running theme already and it is only the end of January. We talked about maybe setting 3 goals that we can perfect over the next year - small, simple things, things that can be measured and tracked.
We also talked about keeping our eyes on the positive things, all the things that we are doing well, all the good that is happening.
I am sad that the gal I subbed for is sick, but I guess I was supposed to attend this meeting today to help me put things back into perspective....
I can become completely overwhelmed and pounded by all the things I am not, and cannot do right now. The weather doesnt help those feelings. I can try to remember to do small and simple things - no matter how small or simple - it is still moving in the right direction. Today the "nots" have really got me down, but tomorrow is a new day.
I can try to remember the blessing Preston recently gave me that told me to take things one day, one hour, even one minute at a time to help me get through each day. Today, I am only tracking minutes, maybe later or by tomorrow I might be able to track hours.
I can try to remember that even if all I do is change diapers and wash my hands 100 times in one day that I have cared for my 2 smallest children to keep them safe and comfortable. If I only do 1 load of laundry, the rest will wait. If I can keep all my kiddos in sacrament meeting together, and not have to take someone out or spend the whole of sacrament meeting with someone on time out, that is a great accomplishment, no matter what anyone else says or thinks.
I am doing my best to raise my small children. Others are done with that, and are good at doling out advice, or have forgotten what it is like when they get upset over little one's noise. I can try to do the best that I can and need to try hard not to let anyone else's opinions or comments make me feel guilty or horrible. That is hard for me to do - esp on my extra bad days - and those are the days I will need to try to take 1 minute at a time to get through those moments. Other people's comments can and do hurt, even unintentinally, but I need to do my best to not let Satan use them to hurt me. That is hard, I have lived almost my whole life being made to feel guilty about everything and anything, I have been pressured by others to do or be what they want. I have only recently in the last few years learned to stand up for myself and my family. I need to try to remember all the positive things I have done to reach that goal - I have done it in the past and I can do it now, or least I can keep trying to.
Remembering the positive and the good that can be accomplished, even a minute at a time, is moving in the right direction.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
TRUE LOVE
Awhile back I did a post about all the things I love about my kiddos. I had one thing for every year of age. I dont think my husband would care for me to share his age with everyone, although he probably cares less about that than I would - just one of those "guy" things. I have been struggling a lot lately and I kind of cornered him the other day to have him tell me how I show him I love him,what things I ever do for just him,why he still loves me. He has been so wonderful that I thought I would take time to do the same for him. I know I am truly the luckiest person in the whole world to have him and hope this list will tell him so.
1) He is kind and patient with me - ALL the time. No matter how emotional I get he is always so patient.
2) He stays calm and patient when he cuts the kids hair and nails - even when they are screaming hysterically while he does it. It is funny that they do scream, esp since the kids will only let him do these things for him, not me. He never even bats an eyelash during their fussing, which is probably why they let him do these things for him.
3) He has never been on the bandwagon about nicknames for the kids. They all have one - and he never uses them. Well recently he came up with one of his own for Kels - he has officially named her the "tubby princess". When I realized what he was calling her I had to laugh. She is a super chunk and he has always said she would be the little princess. He is her little princess and I think it is sweet that he thinks of her as such.
4) He takes time to help the kids with their homework - esp the girls. It is amazing to me that no matter what the girls bring home that he can help them. It usually ends up being play time for them too - I will hear them laughing which makes me happy to know he is helping them get through math stuff in a postive way.
5) He takes time to play games with the kids. Preston LOVES playing games and the kids have followed his example. It is their special time with him and it is great that he is always willing to find that time.
6) He works harder than just about any person I know. He had a big project go awry this week and he is doing everything he can to put it right, on top of work that he had to go all the way to Colorado last week to retrieve. He always gives his very best at work or in his unit. He is a wonderful example to me.
7) He serves with all his heart, might, mind and strength. Whenever he is asked to do something at church, or for bishop, or to help others he is always right there. He goes the extra mile to be sure things are done to the best of his ability. He also serves me and the kids. No matter what we may need he is always here for us.
8) He gives everything and expects nothing in return. He is a true example of how to give unconditional love. He never judges, he never fusses. He amazes me with this gift of love.
9) He is willing, and able, to do any house jobs that I might need help with. When he can be home he does his best to try to help where he can - with kiddos, house, whatever - all I have to do is ask, and more often than not I dont have to ask. He is a great example to the kids, and esp our boys, that helping share the responsibilities of our home is an important thing.
10) He can find anything, anywhere. Whether the kids need to look up something for school, or I need help finding photography stuff, no matter what it is - he can find it AND find the best price! He amazes me with this ability.
11) He is an awesome "techy". I am not technical in any way, shape or form - in fact that stuff frustrates me to no end. He calmly just rolls over on his office chair and says "let me help" or "if it bugs you, give it to me". He can figure out any software program, any complicated manual, dicipher any gobbedly-gook, design business cards and forms, and so much more that most others cant (esp me). He can understand it and find ways to show and teach me in a way that I can understand. He takes over the things he knows totally drive me bonkers just to keep me sane and to show how much he cares.
12) He runs errands for me. With photography stuff taking off - and the store in corvallis - he is always willing to run errands and help me any way he can. He also is willing to meet me at appointments to take care of kiddos when he can get away from work. He continues to give me help and support in any way he can, and does it happily, even though I can be so difficult sometimes.
13) He has inheirited his mom's "energizer bunny" genes. It seems that he can stay at something long after I am ready to call it quits. He goes and goes and gets so much accomplished. It is something I admire about both him and his mom.
14) He still looks at me as if I were 16, with great love shining in his eyes. I have even had others comment on how he looks at me - no matter where we are. I have a good friend that has esp noticed and commented to me about it several times. It amazes me that after all these years - and all the changes I have gone through after having so many kiddos, that he really still looks at me like he did when we just met. Pretty amazing.
15) He can still laugh like a little kid. When he is with the friends we grew up with I watch my grown husband turn into a little boy again. It is wonderful to hear him laughing and to watch him enjoy and renew those friendships. It isnt often I get to hear that laughter from him, so it is a special gift to me when I do. A big thank you to our dear friends from school who help give me that gift!
16) He dearly loves our children. When I asked him to tell me 10 things I have given him to show my love for him, the very first thing he said was "well, there are 6 right out there in the other room!" He takes special care with them to show them that he does love them - he plays, leads, helps discipline, tucks them in bed, reads them stories, plays games, plays piano, sings silly songs, and does so many little things to show them, and me, how dear they are to him. It is a true blessing in my life to know how much he does love them.
17) He can pack the van - no matter how much stuff we have. When we went to Utah in October we ended up doing some Christmas shopping - and then had to figure out how to get it all home. All I saw were stacks of stuff, everywhere, and most of it odd shaped or bulky. I thought for sure we would need to mail things home. Again, he used all those amazing skills of his, and got every last thing to fit into the van to bring home with us. He is incredible.
18) He can turn his hand to just about anything. Leaking faucets - fixed. New yard landscaping design and completion (with the help of his parents) - AWESOME! Broken fish tank, easy. It seems that no matter what it is, he can handle it - and in the off chance he can't - he always finds the perfect person who can. Things like this drive me crazy and it only takes him minutes to make repairs or "fix" whatever might be needed. Amazing.
19) He takes time to attend all the kids school things and extra activities. He commented recently that no matter what activity or event, they will always find us to be their front row cheering section. Sometimes that has meant "divide and conquer" when the kids have had awards ceremonies or other activites at the same time, in different places. I know that it means so much to me, and even more to the kids to know that he is always there for them and to give his love and support in all that they do.
20) He is my dearest friend, and my dearest love. I know that I would be lost and very alone without him by my side. He is truly my better half. Because of him, his kindness, patience, love, & understanding, I am able to be better. He helps and encourages me to be a better "me". He is still the one that makes butterflies go crazy in my stomach when he kisses me, he is the only one who can make me smile through the darkest moments, he is my strength when I think I cannot go on by myself. He is my greatest joy. I know that I am truly blessed because he is part of my life, because he is my life and my everything.
1) He is kind and patient with me - ALL the time. No matter how emotional I get he is always so patient.
2) He stays calm and patient when he cuts the kids hair and nails - even when they are screaming hysterically while he does it. It is funny that they do scream, esp since the kids will only let him do these things for him, not me. He never even bats an eyelash during their fussing, which is probably why they let him do these things for him.
3) He has never been on the bandwagon about nicknames for the kids. They all have one - and he never uses them. Well recently he came up with one of his own for Kels - he has officially named her the "tubby princess". When I realized what he was calling her I had to laugh. She is a super chunk and he has always said she would be the little princess. He is her little princess and I think it is sweet that he thinks of her as such.
4) He takes time to help the kids with their homework - esp the girls. It is amazing to me that no matter what the girls bring home that he can help them. It usually ends up being play time for them too - I will hear them laughing which makes me happy to know he is helping them get through math stuff in a postive way.
5) He takes time to play games with the kids. Preston LOVES playing games and the kids have followed his example. It is their special time with him and it is great that he is always willing to find that time.
6) He works harder than just about any person I know. He had a big project go awry this week and he is doing everything he can to put it right, on top of work that he had to go all the way to Colorado last week to retrieve. He always gives his very best at work or in his unit. He is a wonderful example to me.
7) He serves with all his heart, might, mind and strength. Whenever he is asked to do something at church, or for bishop, or to help others he is always right there. He goes the extra mile to be sure things are done to the best of his ability. He also serves me and the kids. No matter what we may need he is always here for us.
8) He gives everything and expects nothing in return. He is a true example of how to give unconditional love. He never judges, he never fusses. He amazes me with this gift of love.
9) He is willing, and able, to do any house jobs that I might need help with. When he can be home he does his best to try to help where he can - with kiddos, house, whatever - all I have to do is ask, and more often than not I dont have to ask. He is a great example to the kids, and esp our boys, that helping share the responsibilities of our home is an important thing.
10) He can find anything, anywhere. Whether the kids need to look up something for school, or I need help finding photography stuff, no matter what it is - he can find it AND find the best price! He amazes me with this ability.
11) He is an awesome "techy". I am not technical in any way, shape or form - in fact that stuff frustrates me to no end. He calmly just rolls over on his office chair and says "let me help" or "if it bugs you, give it to me". He can figure out any software program, any complicated manual, dicipher any gobbedly-gook, design business cards and forms, and so much more that most others cant (esp me). He can understand it and find ways to show and teach me in a way that I can understand. He takes over the things he knows totally drive me bonkers just to keep me sane and to show how much he cares.
12) He runs errands for me. With photography stuff taking off - and the store in corvallis - he is always willing to run errands and help me any way he can. He also is willing to meet me at appointments to take care of kiddos when he can get away from work. He continues to give me help and support in any way he can, and does it happily, even though I can be so difficult sometimes.
13) He has inheirited his mom's "energizer bunny" genes. It seems that he can stay at something long after I am ready to call it quits. He goes and goes and gets so much accomplished. It is something I admire about both him and his mom.
14) He still looks at me as if I were 16, with great love shining in his eyes. I have even had others comment on how he looks at me - no matter where we are. I have a good friend that has esp noticed and commented to me about it several times. It amazes me that after all these years - and all the changes I have gone through after having so many kiddos, that he really still looks at me like he did when we just met. Pretty amazing.
15) He can still laugh like a little kid. When he is with the friends we grew up with I watch my grown husband turn into a little boy again. It is wonderful to hear him laughing and to watch him enjoy and renew those friendships. It isnt often I get to hear that laughter from him, so it is a special gift to me when I do. A big thank you to our dear friends from school who help give me that gift!
16) He dearly loves our children. When I asked him to tell me 10 things I have given him to show my love for him, the very first thing he said was "well, there are 6 right out there in the other room!" He takes special care with them to show them that he does love them - he plays, leads, helps discipline, tucks them in bed, reads them stories, plays games, plays piano, sings silly songs, and does so many little things to show them, and me, how dear they are to him. It is a true blessing in my life to know how much he does love them.
17) He can pack the van - no matter how much stuff we have. When we went to Utah in October we ended up doing some Christmas shopping - and then had to figure out how to get it all home. All I saw were stacks of stuff, everywhere, and most of it odd shaped or bulky. I thought for sure we would need to mail things home. Again, he used all those amazing skills of his, and got every last thing to fit into the van to bring home with us. He is incredible.
18) He can turn his hand to just about anything. Leaking faucets - fixed. New yard landscaping design and completion (with the help of his parents) - AWESOME! Broken fish tank, easy. It seems that no matter what it is, he can handle it - and in the off chance he can't - he always finds the perfect person who can. Things like this drive me crazy and it only takes him minutes to make repairs or "fix" whatever might be needed. Amazing.
19) He takes time to attend all the kids school things and extra activities. He commented recently that no matter what activity or event, they will always find us to be their front row cheering section. Sometimes that has meant "divide and conquer" when the kids have had awards ceremonies or other activites at the same time, in different places. I know that it means so much to me, and even more to the kids to know that he is always there for them and to give his love and support in all that they do.
20) He is my dearest friend, and my dearest love. I know that I would be lost and very alone without him by my side. He is truly my better half. Because of him, his kindness, patience, love, & understanding, I am able to be better. He helps and encourages me to be a better "me". He is still the one that makes butterflies go crazy in my stomach when he kisses me, he is the only one who can make me smile through the darkest moments, he is my strength when I think I cannot go on by myself. He is my greatest joy. I know that I am truly blessed because he is part of my life, because he is my life and my everything.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Winter Blues
I have had several people ask why I havent blogged lately - in fact I havent posted anything for more than a month....
My "winter blues" have set in and it seems most days with the gray skies, gray fog, and heavy gray rain that the blues have me in their clutches.
I didnt used to struggle so much, but after the last 3 babies it seems that each winter has become more difficult. I know exactly what my brain and body are doing - shutting down on every level - and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
There is some consolation for me in at least knowing what is happening. I have learned to listen to my body when it gets like this and I know enough to say "no" or to step back from all the craziness and committments I take on. I know what I can/can't take on when even basic tasks become extremely difficult.
It is a challenge for me to still do enough to get us through each day - and even more of a challenge when I know others are judging me who dont understand or know me well enough to know of my personal struggles. It is hard to explain to someone else who has not experienced it - I get comments from others "if you will just do this or that then you will be fine". Besides others' comments I am constantly fighting the screaming voices in my head that tell me that I am "lazy, neglectful, selfish, etc". I have to fight every day to remember that my body has gone through some pretty major changes with each baby - changes that are permanent and that will be a challenge to me probably for the rest of my life. I have to fight every day to not give in to the screaming voices that, in the past, have left me with no desire to even get out of bed or left me in such deep darkness that I was beyond hope.
These days I am right on the edge of that darkness - but I am at least aware of where I am. I understand that when I dont have the desire or energy to even pick up my camera to take picts of the kids that I am struggling. I can know when I wake up and my body only moves at a snail's pace that I will need to make it a "quiet" day and only expend energy on absolute needs. I know that when my fingers are in so much pain from open wounds that I need for Preston or the girls' to take over, & I have learned to ask them to and then let them. I know that when my dear friend comes to "beat" on me and I feel like she is stabbing me, when she is barely touching me, that I need to back off, slow down, and let things go - on every level I can.
I have learned to listen to my body - I have learned to pay attention to the small things that can help or make things worse. I am trying to learn to let others help me. I am trying to learn to not listen to all the negative screaming voices. I am trying to listen and obey when I am told to just take a day, an hour, or a minute at a time to get through each day.
I have zillions of thoughts that fly through my head - tons of things that are happening that I want to blog about, tons of stuff that I want to share about how photography is going - tons and tons and tons, and yet I know that for now the "tons" will need to wait until I can get everything balanced back out. This post hopefully flows ok considering how many little pieces it has been written in and how many times I have had to walk away and come back. Please know that I am thinking of each of you who do read and ask about me and do care about our family. Know that there is so much I want to share - and will when the time is right. Thank you to all of you who do care and take time to write and check in on us - it really means more right now than ever when I am not able to do the calling and checking. I will post again, not sure when, but hopefully soon.
My "winter blues" have set in and it seems most days with the gray skies, gray fog, and heavy gray rain that the blues have me in their clutches.
I didnt used to struggle so much, but after the last 3 babies it seems that each winter has become more difficult. I know exactly what my brain and body are doing - shutting down on every level - and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
There is some consolation for me in at least knowing what is happening. I have learned to listen to my body when it gets like this and I know enough to say "no" or to step back from all the craziness and committments I take on. I know what I can/can't take on when even basic tasks become extremely difficult.
It is a challenge for me to still do enough to get us through each day - and even more of a challenge when I know others are judging me who dont understand or know me well enough to know of my personal struggles. It is hard to explain to someone else who has not experienced it - I get comments from others "if you will just do this or that then you will be fine". Besides others' comments I am constantly fighting the screaming voices in my head that tell me that I am "lazy, neglectful, selfish, etc". I have to fight every day to remember that my body has gone through some pretty major changes with each baby - changes that are permanent and that will be a challenge to me probably for the rest of my life. I have to fight every day to not give in to the screaming voices that, in the past, have left me with no desire to even get out of bed or left me in such deep darkness that I was beyond hope.
These days I am right on the edge of that darkness - but I am at least aware of where I am. I understand that when I dont have the desire or energy to even pick up my camera to take picts of the kids that I am struggling. I can know when I wake up and my body only moves at a snail's pace that I will need to make it a "quiet" day and only expend energy on absolute needs. I know that when my fingers are in so much pain from open wounds that I need for Preston or the girls' to take over, & I have learned to ask them to and then let them. I know that when my dear friend comes to "beat" on me and I feel like she is stabbing me, when she is barely touching me, that I need to back off, slow down, and let things go - on every level I can.
I have learned to listen to my body - I have learned to pay attention to the small things that can help or make things worse. I am trying to learn to let others help me. I am trying to learn to not listen to all the negative screaming voices. I am trying to listen and obey when I am told to just take a day, an hour, or a minute at a time to get through each day.
I have zillions of thoughts that fly through my head - tons of things that are happening that I want to blog about, tons of stuff that I want to share about how photography is going - tons and tons and tons, and yet I know that for now the "tons" will need to wait until I can get everything balanced back out. This post hopefully flows ok considering how many little pieces it has been written in and how many times I have had to walk away and come back. Please know that I am thinking of each of you who do read and ask about me and do care about our family. Know that there is so much I want to share - and will when the time is right. Thank you to all of you who do care and take time to write and check in on us - it really means more right now than ever when I am not able to do the calling and checking. I will post again, not sure when, but hopefully soon.
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