PERSONAL JOURNAL ENTRY

How is it that even though the sun has been out and things seem to be so good all I can do is cry and feel like I am in a hole I can never climb out of...

today I attended stake women's conference. I was not feeling up to going at all, maybe I am thinking I should have just stayed home. Instead of feeling spiritually fed, I again left feeling spiritually condemned and with an even longer list of all the things I am not doing right or ever will. I flitted about not focusing on general conference for the same reasons. Every talk dug my hole deeper, every voice condemned and confirmed it would never be true for me....

After coming home today I went to bed and stayed there, no one cared or missed me. I came out 2x to help get kels settled and to bed. My only thoughts while holding her were that no one would miss me if I wasnt here and there is always someone else better to do all the things I am supposed to do, or can never do right.
All I am is a failure in everything I see, touch, try. I am only the slacker, the horrible nag, the selfish, ungrateful wretch. Nothing I do makes a single difference to anyone. The more I try the more I fail and I am just making the hole even deeper

I havent picked up my camera in 2 weeks and have no desire to do so. Even the Spring that is blooming all around me brings no joy or excitement to get it out. Sometimes I just wonder if I am just fooling myself that I even have anything to give with it. I know others out there who are amazing and I can never do what they do; what I do is so different that it seems to be drawing me away vs helping me move closer to others or any goals. When I get these next couple of shoots finished I think I am just going to set everything aside. Just one more thing I am failing at too.

This will prob be the last post for awhile or ever - not that it matters since no one really pays attention to it anyway. I know that is my fault too - all I ever do is whine or fuss and I know that people cant stand me because I have an extra big mouth and my brain is in a place no one else can or wants to understand. Polite conversation and invitation is just that, surface level. Friendships that could have been, will never be, because others have known me too long. They know what I have been, and apparently what I will always be. If that wasnt built then, why would it be extended or built now, other than just politeness with no intentions. Why would anyone read posts that are constantly negative blabber....guess what - no one will have to worry about that anymore since there wont be more posts

All I know is that no matter what I do I fail, no matter what church stuff is out there - it applies to everyone else but me. No matter what others say, if I warrant anything nice, is that my brain doesnt believe it. Knowing some things and feeling them are not the same. knowing them and believing them are not the same.

A couple of things today that were quoted by the guest speaker were
1) adversity, no matter how big or small, is big to the person it is happening to.
2) dont jump overboard, the storm will calm and the sun will come out.

To me, the little, tiniest things are enormous. My brain doesnt let me believe any of it. The storm has raged for months now and there has not been calm, there has been more storm. The hole gets deeper and blacker and the condemnation ever more real and threatening. The shroud just wraps tighter with no hope of any cracks. The enduring on just piles on more entries to the huge volumes of sin,wrong, mistakes, failures and stupidity that are being kept by angels who are so unfortunate to have to record my pitiful existence. The priesthood blessings float into nothingness both physically and spiritually because I have lost their words and any hope, belief or miniscule faith that might have gone with them.

The tears that flow, the anger and pride that wound, the sleep that never comes, the headaches that rage, the sugar that defeats, the bottomless blackness that gapes wide open - these are my constant world. The world no one does, or ever will understand. The world I am chained to even if the sun does come out. The world where I just go through the motions, each day doing little things that will never matter, that dont matter now. The world that doesnt let me have the strength, energy or desire to take on anything small, let alone anything that requires stability and responsibility. A world where all I seem to do is ask from and take from others, never able to give, never having anything worth giving. A world where I am alone because I have caused it to be that way. The world where lonlienss and pain and darkness are the punishment I deserve for being the way I am, the way it seems I will always be. The world where light hurts instead of helps, it wounds instead of heals. My world. My world.