A TRAGIC LOSS

It has been a very difficult week since I arrived home from my mini vacation to SLC. The 3 youngest are still fighting illness and Ky/Kels just seem to be getting worse vs better....will give it a bit more time before I break down and call the dr office.

We had a culminating disaster a couple of days ago and I am just now getting to the point where I can write about it.

Many of you know that we have had extra pets in the house. Our sweet little chicks who have been with us for picts and just for fun. We found out recently because of city zoning that we were not going to be allowed to keep them and I have been trying to find homes for them since then. There are 2 of the chicks we wanted to keep as pets, as the kids have become especially attached to them and they were the 2 that seemed to get all of the attention and loves.

Chickens are great except for one thing - they can get stinky. We have tried hard to make sure their bucket is cleaned out every day but even then it has been a bit of a challenge. The other day was so beautiful that I decided to take them outside and let them have some sunshine and fresh air while I cleaned out their container and got clean food/water. The dogs were also outside - but the container is wide/deep enough to keep them out - or so I thought.

I went inside for 1 minute to get the chicks food and water to come back outside to find oreo INSIDE the container. He had killed 3 chicks outright, and our little Yellow Man and Mine were severely wounded. I was in total shock. I grabbed Oreo out of the box and locked him in the travel carrier. I then sunk to the deck and sobbed and sobbed. I held both Mine & Yellow Man in my hands and was really hysterical, apologizing to them over and over, knowing it was my fault that I had not done enough to protect them, never knowing I had put them in mortal danger. I just could not believe what was before my eyes. I knew that YM & Mine were both injured beyond repair but I could not help them. I sobbed and prayed ( not that that does any good at all anymore) and chewed oreo out and sobbed some more.

I knew that the chicks were hurting and that they needed help. The only thing I could think of was to call our vet and see if I could bring them in, knowing that they would probably need to be put to sleep. I called and they said to bring them in asap. I also called my friend Martha, still barely able to talk because I was sobbing, and she came and stayed with the kids while I went to the vet office.

I had been told that our vet was just going into surgery when I called, but when I arrived there she was in the lobby area, waiting for me to arrive. She looked at the chicks and gave me a hug, and confirmed what I suspected - that they were beyond saving. She took them back to the surgery area and I sat and waited, and sobbed some more. The vet assistant came out to tell me that one of the chicks had passed away quickly, but the other was having a harder time. I asked her if I could see them and she brought them out to me. It was Mine that was struggling, he was just still hanging on in spite of everything, he has been our little one to receive most of the extra love from the kids and esp colton. When the assistant brought them to me, it seemed that Mine had finally let go and had passed away too. She wanted to confirm that he was gone and took them both back away almost as quickly as she had brought them to me. She was back soon after that and said that Dr Laura confirmed that they were both gone. I cried some more and was wracked with guilt over their loss.

I was able to bring them back home with me and Martha agreed to stay with the little boys while I took care of the chicks. Many of you know we lost one of the chicks when we first got them, and had gone through the whole funeral process with the kids then. I went ahead and buried the rest of the chicks next to Speedy in our North flower/strawberry bed under the daffodils. 3 of the chicks were never given names and that was hard. I had a worse time with Mine and YM though and did everything I could to take my time with them. I cried and apologized more and held them longer. I eventually was able to bury them and make a stone marker for them that the kids could write on, if they chose to. I spent the rest of the day in shock and sadness and extreme fatigue from epending so much mental/emotional energy.

That afternoon I had to pull the big girls aside to tell them what happened. Ceana seemed to take it calmly - wanting to know what/how things happened. Kaeli cried, though thankfully not to the extent that I had anticipated. I was so proud of the girls that they were strong and asked good questions. We talked about things for awhile and then they each took a turn to go out and write something on the stone marker I had left. From there everyone seemed to work through things on their own, much better than expected.
Colton still asks me about the chicks, and I ask him his questions right back, hoping to have him answer his own question from all of the things we have tried to talk about and teach. He especially misses Mine, they were buddies, even if it was for such a short time.

It seems unfathomable that little chickens could touch our hearts in such a special way, but they did. They each had their own personalities and their own special features that set them apart from the others. My whole being was/is tormented with guilt for the hurt and death inflicted on them. Each time I think about things I cry. My "hole" has now become a bottomless pit that can never be escaped - the death of 5 innocent lives are my fault, even if they were chickies, they were still living beings who deserved protection and the best of care - not brutal, untimely deaths. Their sweet spirits are at peace, but I am not sure that my heart or spirit ever will be.

The girls asked about getting more chicks, which surprised me. We are not able to get anymore this season and I am going to have to seriously consider whether we will try again next year, even for portrait sittings. Knowing that they would be in danger from Oreo from the minute they would be here is too much for me to consider right now. I cannot go through this again myself, let alone put the kids through it. It has been a learning experience, yes, but the deep wounds inflicted on myself in the process is more than I can work through right now. Maybe next Spring I will feel differently - they say that time heals all wounds. We will have to wait and see when we get to that point.