Well, looks like my big mouth is going to win again - so much for not posting anymore...
Church on Sunday was a complete disaster. Not only was I very angry about being there against my will, I made a complete fool of myself with all my emotional output. It is somewhere I am not going again. When I am ready I will go back, eventually, but that time is not right now - no matter what anyone else thinks or says. It is not the answer or the "fix" for right now. There is no "just do this or that" that is going to help and until we get things figured out I am just going to have to set my own limits and let others deal with me, or not deal with me as the case usually is.
I think one of the hardest parts was having to endure people saying "hi, how are you?" and then walking right past me - never intending to wait to hear, or care how I was. For the few people that I thought might care, I really couldnt tell the truth anyway. It will really make me think about how I use that phrase in the future, and what mode my brain is in if I am going to ask that of someone else (which prob wont be for a long time since being around others lately only puts me in a complete panic most of the time).
In talking with a friend on Sunday/Monday, we may have come upon some "ah hah" moments that have led to my illness in these past several years and why it seems to be so much worse this year.
Recently Preston gave me a very long blessing, aside from losing my notes and my mind, the one thing I do remember from it was that I am to remember to "acknowledge His hand in all things".
Since it is highly unlikely that I will be attending church anytime soon, and even more unlikely that I would ever stand to say something, I thought maybe this could be the one place to voice the thoughts that have been in my head (in repeating, exacting detail) the last couple of weeks. Maybe it will be enough to just get it written down somewhere for me, and maybe for the future.
This 1st "ah hah" may be a good starting point for finding help for me and our family.....
On April 29, 20 years ago I made a choice - I was baptized. Mine was not one of those "golden" stories that you always hear about. In fact, it was extremely the opposite. The entire process and afterwards was filled with great loneliness, hardship and persecution from family and friends. There is very little that I even remember from that day, I know it happened and yet I have no real memories, it was like they were erased from my mind.
On April 28, 6 years ago, I made another choice - I became Aurora Baxter. Again, this experience was filled with great turmoil, lonelines, hardship, and persecution that was so severe that it (among some other things) led to permanently severing ties with some family members/friends. The entire process was very traumatic as I was trying to recover from a C-section and had a very frail,sick baby to care for.
I am not sure I have much to show for 20 years, or even 6, except for one very amazing thing -
My children are being raised in a gospel centered home.
My children are being raised in a home where we hold very high standards, morals, and values. My children are being raised in a home where there can be peace and light. My children are being raised in a home where they can leave the wickedness and confusion of the world on the front step and find refuge within the love of our home and family. My children are being raised in a home where they are safe from the persecution of their beliefs. Most importantly to me, my children are being raised in a home where they are being protected from other family members who would emotionally and physically hurt them.
If nothing else comes from these two choices - I can know that my children have been given the greatest gift and blessing of being raised in the safety, peace, and light of the gospel. That in itself is worth the pain and suffering I have endured. Just knowing that they are growing up in happiness and safety, being given the chance to enjoy their growing up years makes such a difference to me.
There is the real possibility that even though my brain does not consciously remember these dates and the events surrounding them, my body does - months in advance - throwing me into a stressed and emotional hibernation that only increases as these dates grow closer each year. There is a very real possibility that my subconscious and my body continue to sorrow over the trauma of these experiences (as well as other injuries) even though I have worked so hard to put those things away and not remember them on purpose. It is just a thought for now, but something that may make a difference in the direction I am able to take in the coming weeks and months.
A 2nd "ah hah" is the possibility that my body has again decided to reject another medication. I am waiting to hear from my dr office to see if I can get some questions answered and then work on some very hard decisions to find help. My body tends to not react normally to any medication. We have also discovered that my body tends to tolerate medications for a short time and then will suddenly reject them. This has usually shown up by me experiencing severe allergic reactions or extreme side effects. The severity of my condition may have been in part because the medication has built up to an extreme level in my system again, contributing to the extreme side effects it can cause. It will be a long process to see what we can find out and what the options are if we are at that point again.
A 3rd "ah hah" is that I need to find a new dr - even though we just changed dr offices last month. I have been given a referral to a new dr in albany, although we are not sure he is even accepting new patients. Another option is going to a dr who specializes in homeopathic options vs always medical ones. The concern with both of these choices is that they are both far away - Albany is 45 min and the other dr is in the Eugene area (90min+). The plus would be hoping to find someone new who will listen to me and try to help me work around all of the oddities my body tends to throw out and that most other dr's either choose to not to deal with or even try to help.
I guess that is all for now. It seems there is more that I wanted to write or say, but cant think of what they are. I guess if I wake up again tonight I will try and write stuff down then. Will maybe post as we gather new info or news.
4 comments:
I am sorry you had a bad experience and to be truthful I am sorry you are not wanting to go back to church. I think you need to remmeber that church is not just about the social relationshops but it is about your relationship with Heavenly Father and it saddens me that you are letting others effect that relationship. I hope you can find your way back there especially since what you are most grateful for is your children and them being raised in the Gospel. That means you need to be strong and forgive others for there insensitivity to you and what you are going through. You can't go through life without getting offended and offending others as well, but the most healing thing to do is to let those things go and move on. By doing so you show people that you are strong. I am glad that you have had aha momments that are hopefully going to lead to finding better health solutions for yourself. I am not trying to be mean in what I have said I just want you to remember that you are strong. You might not remember those events (being baptized and chaning your names), but the events have lead to decision after decision that have helped you to get to this point. I dont' remember my Baptism very well either, but I try to remember those covenants I made, because afterall that is the most important part of being baptized. I also think that if chaning your name helped you than who cares what anyone else might think. We are all free agents and we need to make our own choices. I hope that even though it was hard that you found that changing your name helped you. I also feel bad for the lonliness you have felt and encountered. I too have had struggles and trials in my life and hard things to go through and I too have often felt alone, but I find comfort in knowing my Savior knows what I have gone through he has felt my pains and sometimes he is the ONLY one I can turn to. I hope you find answers to help and in the meantime know that you are thought of, you are cared for, and that you are doing a good job. You can't please everyone all the time and you don't have to. You just do what you know to be right and let things go and you will be blessed.
Keep focusing on those positive things, like your wonderful children, your gospel centered home, your safe loving home. You are so on the right track there. You do so many things so well.
On those dark and hard days, finding just one good thing brings hope and allows one to make it day by day.
Just take things day by day. Don't worry about tomorrow or yesterday and even sometimes you have to just not worry about the next hour and just focus on the moment.
Keep looking for a Dr you are comfortable with. You will find help. Remember, there are many of us here for you. We love you and and are so glad you are in our lives.
Here is a favorite quote given to Winnie the Pooh. I think of it when I am struggling.
"You are braver than you believe,
stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think."
-Christopher Robin
Wow! I had no idea.
I believe there really is some point to the dates and their impact on you. For about five years after my mom died, each year between February 1st and March 17th, I would become severely depressed and hide myself away from the world. I realized about three years into this that there was a pattern to it. There was seemingly no way out for me. Here spring would start to come (my favorite time of the year), and I'd find myself falling into the funk. It was miserable! I finally decided that enough was enough and that there was only one being who could help me. I remember getting on my knees and begging Him to take it away. I am not a very trusting person, but in this case, I knew if I wasn't ready to trust Him, I'd better not ask. I laid it all out there, and it has been gone ever since. I think I held onto it a little bit because for some reason it was part of remembering my mom, and if I didn't feel that way, then she'd be gone to me. Thankfully, this wasn't true.
I'm so sorry you're struggling so much, Rory. So wish I could take it away, but I know these things need to run their course sometimes in our lives no matter how painful they may be. Please know I'm here for you whenever you need someone.
I have thought about all the things you have writen for several the last few days and I worry so much about you! I agree with what others have written and hope you find real help soon. I worry so much about what will happen if you don't! Your entries sound desperate and almost like you are on the verge of hurting your self! I may be way off but I think if you don't get help in a very serious way I worry what will happen. I can not say I know how you feel because I honestly don't I have been down before but not like this and I think Dr's are the only ones who are going to really know how to help you and our Father in Heaven. I agree that there isn't an easy fix and it will take a lot of time to get out of this place you are at and it is a very real place. You really have to keep looking for the answer not only for your self but for your children. You don't want them to grow up with it being like this and you know that if you get the right kind of help it will be healthier for you and for them! We love you and pray for you Rory! Please let those around you help you!!!
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