A Talk Just For Me.

Let me start off by just saying "WOW!" That is the comment a friend and I made to each other after President Uchdorf's talk tonight at the Relief Society General Conference.

He was fun, uplifting, encouraging and firm. His testimony just radiated from him and right to me - even being separated by hundreds of miles....I felt he was looking at and talking right to ME.

I have been really struggling with some things lately - struggling and losing. A dear friend of mine saw me after conference and said "you know that talk was just for you!" - she has been helping me work through some of my struggles. She was right - that talk was just for me.

Because of that talk I am able to reflect on several things that have transpired today.

The intense feelings of emotional drain and all the negative voices literally screaming at me today almost convinced me to stay in the van and turn around and go home instead of staying for conference. Interesting that someone else knew that I needed the time with and comfort from the other sisters and also knew that I needed to hear that talk and he was doing everything he could to keep me from them. Interesting that through tears and silent prayer I made it into the building and through the entire meeting. My friend would say my angels were there with me standing guard. Maybe they were...I only know I did not do it on my own - I know that in being able to even say that despite the fact that I do not nor may ever understand why or how - that I have grown today and that my heart has been touched.

I had the opportunity to visit with a dear sister who I have had the chance to get to know better in the past year. She experiences even more of life's struggles than I do and yet I am amazed by her and all of the incredible things she does every day. In some quiet moments of visiting together I had the unusual opportunity to bear testimony of Pres. Uchdorf's talk and why I believe in the gospel, of why I attend "church". I found myself doing those things that had just been asked of me in the conference talk. Through the spirit I was an instrument for good for just a few moments. I dont remember much of what I said - I feel it wasnt me speaking for the most part - but I do remember the feeling in that room, and I will always remember watching the spirit touch that sister's heart. I was also acutely aware of how, again, the advesary was throwing everything he had at us in those quiet moments. In one full blow there were so many loud interrruptions that the spirit and the stillness were completely lost - he knew he was in trouble and decided to make trouble instead...but before he did, again, my heart was changed.

I know these experiences were for me today - to teach me, to strengthen me. I know there is still room for much improvement - also a theme of tonight's conference - and there is the opportunity for me to apply the testimony I bore to that dear sister to MYSELF.

Isnt it amazing that Pres. Uchdorf hit things right on the head - it is easy to help, serve, comfort others but never give those things to ourselves. It is easy to belittle ourselves and find personal fault even when everyone else sees our very best.

I have never been able to give those things to myself - in big or small ways. But today in visiting with that sister I knew that because I have been struggling that I have been failing her - that I could do better to show love and friendship, to show that I loved her for just being her. I must apply those things from the talk to myself so that I CAN apply them to my relationship with her. If I am not strong, if I am not my best, if I am listening to those negative screaming voices I cannot help her or my children or anyone else. In those quiet moments today my heart was lighter, the spirit touched both of our hearts. What an amazing thing that when we try to lift others that we are lifted up ourselves. What an amazing thing that in even the smallest desire that our efforts can be magnified.
The wonderful quote by James Barry (author of Peter Pan) really came full circle for me today - "When you spread sunshine to others you cant help but get some on yourself" - a small moment of sunshine was shared today from me to another sister, from other sweet sisters to me (thank you denise & amanda!) - and both have changed me for the better.

The other fabulous thing from Pres. Uchdorf's talk today was about creation. We were created by Heavenly Father who instilled in us a divine gift to also create. Pres Uchdorf's definition of creation is "the making of something that wasnt there before." He stated that EVERYONE has the ability to create something of beauty - it doesnt always mean a gorgeous painting on a canvas, it doesnt always mean a bronze sculpture - it can and does mean sharing smiles, writing a note of gratitude, planting a flower, making your children laugh and so many other small and simple things. That by sharing the gifts and talents that we have ALL been given we can create beauty all around us.
I have an on-going conversation with a friend about her AMAZING sewing skills and the fact that she willingly shares those skills with so many others. I can't sew a button or a straight line to save my life! I often feel so silly and inadequate when it comes to even simple sewing things. She always reminds me that I have other gifts and skills that I can share, things that maybe others dont have - and what a boring life it would be if we all were given the same gifts.

In thinking about what she always is so kind to remind me of and the talk today I think I may try and be more brave about sharing my gifts and talents.
I think part of that will be learning to not compare myself to others. That is very hard for me. I am really good at seeing myself as a shrimpy nothing compared to all the wonderful people and sisters around me. This part will include me learning to tell all of those screaming voices to "take a hike!"
Another part will be to make mysef acknowledge the fact that I do have gifts and talents that I can share with others. Again something that will take time.
The most inportant part is finding the joy and blessings in appreciating that we can help and teach each other because of the different skills we have. It is also to be so thankful for those differences! What a wonderful gift is given to us to share, teach, learn, and enjoy all the little things we have to give to each other.

Anway - I am starting to think that my rambling is not going to mean anything to anyone but me since I am being so "chatty" - whcn I get like this my brain doenst put everthing into the right order sometimes....
I hope that you can make some sense of all of this and if not at least these things have been for my good and my learning - and that in itself is the miracle.