NOT Mother of the Year

Today has been exhausting, but mostly because I battled my boys throughout the entire day...

I definately did NOT earn the mother of the year award today. Wish I knew better how to help each one of them. Plus me not feeling my best always makes me less patient, less calm, less everything, which isnt their fault by any means, but it usually means things are just extra rough all around.

Colton had a really rough day today. He whined and fussed and talked back to me the entire day, over every little thing. Tonight after dinner he wanted to play a game, but the library was a disaster. I asked him to help me with the books to clean up first, and he went into tantrum mode about playing the game, thereby getting himself sent to his room without a game tonight and losing privileges tomorrow because he continued to scream at me. He even had meds today, which I know totally toned things down. Would have been WAY worse had we missed those. Wish I knew how to better help him on days like this. It just seems that nothing works, rewards or not, and he is just off kilter no matter what. Nothing I did today helped at all. Wish I was smart enough to know how to better meet his needs.

Ky will most likely be sick again in the morning by his own choosing. Tuesday is always fish stick night - just usually Preston and the girls going different directions and we need something quick. Ky was in an uproar from the very first minute that dinner was ready. Our family rule is that if there is something you really dont like, then you just get as many bites as years old (ie. 5yrs old, 5 bites, etc) He saw the mixed veggies and refused to eat them. I ended up taking the fish sticks back off his plate, knowing he would eat those and not the veggies. He went into complete tantrum mode and was sent to his room. He decided to come back down to eat, but once at the table he completely refused and then even pushed his plate across the table. I reminded him that if he would eat the few bites on his plate that everything else was waiting for him. Needless to say, he ended up going to bed without eating anything, which will mean an empty tummy and a sick boy in the morning.
When I was in college, all our child development classes taught that the rule about kiddos eating was the parent got to pick the where and when, and the child got to pick the what and how much during meals. If I stuck to that, Ky would eat very little to nothing all the time, he would never try anything new. Tonight all I could think about was all the times I hated being made to sit and eat something I detested (like liver or lima beans - both of which I still detest), and yet I asked him to sit at the table until he chose to eat. Ky can be pretty stubborn when he wants to be, and this behavior usually only shows its face at meal times. When he digs in, nothing really makes any difference. I dont give in because then it teaches that he can get what he wants by throwing tantrums, and that misbehavior and disobedience are ok. I want him to learn positive things - like eating healthy helps him grow and calm behavior and words get results instead. I know that all of the kids went through stages like this, but it seems that he has been the worst. This has been a long term thing with him and something we have just not been able to figure out how to get resolved....

Caiden has twiddled his day away again. It is almost 8pm, and he has still just been sitting here at the computer finishing an assignment that should have been done hours ago. I just sent him to bed, reminding him that the term ends next week and that it is his responsibility to complete his assignments before then. He is in another cycle of digging into his stubborn streak and refusing to do his school work. He does this off and on and I never can figure out what triggers it. I know he can do the work, and work ahead and be successful, he just gets into these ruts and chooses not to. He is my one that I worry that I will never figure out. I have been pretty much very sick his whole entire life. I have never had the chance to be with him, to learn about him, to know him. There has always been something, from right when he was born, that has kept me from these things, that have kept me from him. I feel at a complete loss with him, like I am a first time parent all over again, totally clueless about what I am supposed to do or know. Nothing seems to work with him either - rewards or loss of privileges and such - he just doesnt care. All the other kids seem to have at least something that will encourage them or reward them, but not Caiden. He has always been this way, you would think by now I would have figured out some way to handle things, to do better with him, but I havent. Just still totally at a full and complete loss....

Today I have again felt like the kids are losing so much, missing so much, with me being sick again. I feel like I am the worst mother ever and that too much time has past without me being who the kids need me to be, and in that passing time it really is lost. Kindergarten only comes once, kiddos are only in this season of life once, and I am missing it all, again. I think about all of those other women who I know who are amazing mothers, and I compare myself to them even though I probably shouldnt. I try to tell myself that they have not been where we have been, where I have been with health concerns, and that makes a difference. To me, though, it just feels like I am making excuses for all of my failures. Days like today make those feelings and failures seem even more that I am never going to be who the kids need me to be. By the time I am, if I ever am, it will be too late, and I will have missed too much, and they will be the ones to have struggled and suffered and lost. I feel like I am losing them, but again, not smart enough or wise enough or like any of those other moms I know to know what to do or how to help the kids better. We are going to be in the thick of things still for many months, the whole school year will have come and gone, and I dont know how to make things better or different. It is frustrating and disheartening to know they need so much from me, and know that I am completely unable to do or fill those rolls. Definately NOT mother of the year...