PHOTOGRAPHY FRUSTRATIONS

FYI - this is a personal entry to just voice concerns and stresses - feel free to skip or read at your own discretion...

It is about 445AM - I have been awake since about 1AM. The time that I was asleep I was actively working on photography - it seems my brain cant relax lately.

I was so excited to get to do another family shoot this last weekend. We were blessed with very cold, but very beautiful weather. The mid-day lighting was very challenging but I was thrilled to get home and discover I was able to capture some pretty great shots. The 3 families I got to work with were really a lot of fun and allowed me to get to know them lots better than I already did.

My challenge has come in the processing of my picts.

I have been shooting in JPG format - but have been encouraged this last week to start trying to shoot in RAW and giving myself better ability to control the outcome of my photos.
The only thing is I am in no way, shape or form a "techy" - and trying to wade through manuals, tutorials, and gobbedly-gook instructions is making my brain explode, the tears flow and the chocolate being consumed "en masse"
In the meantime I have 2 sets of photos waiting to be processed and no clue how to do it. Plus the pressure of knowing I have clients waiting on these picts.

Preston is being an angel and putting up with all my emotional exposions by taking on the tech side of things - which makes me feel even worse that he is spending time doing my job instead of focusing on things he has to get done (work, military, church stuff ) before he goes out of town again. I feel completely overwhelmed and incompetent, and because I am, that he is always having to make up for all of my weaknesses and taking his own valuable time to fix or do all the things I fail at.

I recently talked with a gal in the other ward who is "pro" - and really have been feeling more discouraged and torn about myself and my photography since that time. She is a "high end $" photographer and very competitive with the other pro studio in town. I am not doing photography for the $ or to be competitive, but I feel I am more than just "a mom with a camera", as she put things. I know her opinion, or anyone else's, shouldnt matter - but with me still learning and trying to teach myself everything - others' suggestions and critiques and experience do matter.

I feel very strongly that I have a gift and talent that I can share - without having $ become the main focus - I know that we cant afford pro photos (part of the reason I am learning to do all this myself - we saved a ton this year by me taking photos for our own family) - I cant see myself charging an arm and a leg for families I know are in the same situation that we are, but who love to have picts done of their families and kiddos.

I know that this gift and talent is just that - a gift - that for whatever reason, was given to me to share - I want to learn more, develop this gift, help others, find the joy in being able to truly "see" the world around me, to get outside my comfort zone and get out there and meet new people. I love that every time I get behind the camera that I find a freedom and a creativity that flows through me and allows me the chance to grow and "see" - and not be afraid. I have ALWAYS been shy and afraid - have never been one of those "meet and greet" personalities. This is allowing me a chance to change that.

Battle #1 (besides still struggling with conquering correct lighting) is that I second guess myself at every shoot. I get so nervous I dont eat before a shoot and I shake and worry every minute that even though I am doing my very best - I am not going to be able to capture enough or have my work be good enough to give to others, that I will have wasted their time.

Battle #2 is the vast complexity of the photo enhancement programs. I am trying to read, trying to understand, trying to figure things out - but i just become more frustrated - esp knowing that I have taken some great picts that might need some tweaking here and there and I cant get it figured out. Esp knowing that I have clients waiting for picts.

Battle #3 is the whole business end of things. I advertise that I am friendly, efficient and professional. I try very hard to be all of those things and yet the $ always seems to get in the way. I still am trying to figure out what the best plan should be. Every shoot I have done has been completely different - large group, small, corporate, senior, how much time at a shoot, how much time at home doing tweaks, etc. Every shoot has brought new info to my attention that I havent even thought of and dont know how to compensate for.
I know that my time is valuable, and I would love to earn enough to expand my equipment and maybe be able to contribute to our family income. I also know that I cannot bring myself to charge horrendous amounts of $ - a gift is something to be shared, not charge admission for.
It is so hard to know what to do.

Battle #4 - I have been encouraged to join a professional photographers association and to attend an upcoming 4 day seminar. I have been told it is an amazing chance to learn about photography from others in every level of photography, workshops, practice, etc. The catch is that it would be almost $500 to be able to go.
Preston seems more than willing to do that - but I know we have cut back on everything extra to make ends meet and make sure all of household and family NEEDS are filled. To me, that much $ and me being away for 4 days seems selfish and frivilous - knowing that this is more in the lines of a hobby and that I am never intending to become a "cut-throat" photographer like others I have seen as they have come through the ranks. I dont know that my goals are to ever become so professional that I dont remember where I started, why I am doing this, or remember to be thankful for the gift I have been given to share with others. Throwing that much $ out there when I dont know what my goals are, or knowing that if I do ever get that far I will prob stay "free lance" seems like a very unwise thing to do.

Battle #5 - I think that I have pretty much become a royal nuisance through this process. I have asked too many questions, bugged too many people too many times. I am a very visual learner - I need to see and watch and ask. I have never been one to read and retain - esp when it comes to complicated tech stuff. In needing the visual side, I have cut myself off from that option because I am such a bother and have been too incompetent. I cant even get others to answer my emails or calls. In trying to teach myself and trying to learn from others I have ruined that chance.

This art has 2 sides - creativity and tech - and business, if it gets that far.
I think I am doing great on the creativity side - it has opened up a whole new world for me to see things that others dont, to appreciate and wonder at all of the creations and people around us.
I am doing horribly with the tech side - hampering my opportunity and ability to share with others the things that I see and feel through this art.
Without knowing every in and out of my camera, without being able to tweak or fix picts, because of my meager abilities, I cant create or capture the things my eyes see or that my heart feels, or create prints that I can share with someone else.
The joy is lessened or lost waiting and worrying about others' opinions (and then still not letting myself believe them even if they like the picts) or because $ has to be part of the business side.

I think that in the last few months that I have learned alot. I have experienced personal growth in lots of areas. I also sometimes feel like I should never share my photography with others ever again. I also know that if I dont share it, the gift is lost, esp when I hear from others that I have somehow been an ispiration to them. It is lost if I dont share it with my own children in creating a family journal and their scrapbook pages that they love so much.

I know there is more that I need to write - but for now cant find the right words. Maybe in daylight hours I will be able to write more. For now I will keep trying, I will keep trudging through the hard stuff, I will keep trying to not be a pain in the "you know where" to all of you who keep putting up with me. I will write and post more soon.