FYI - this is a personal entry to just voice concerns and stresses - feel free to skip or read at your own discretion...
It is about 445AM - I have been awake since about 1AM. The time that I was asleep I was actively working on photography - it seems my brain cant relax lately.
I was so excited to get to do another family shoot this last weekend. We were blessed with very cold, but very beautiful weather. The mid-day lighting was very challenging but I was thrilled to get home and discover I was able to capture some pretty great shots. The 3 families I got to work with were really a lot of fun and allowed me to get to know them lots better than I already did.
My challenge has come in the processing of my picts.
I have been shooting in JPG format - but have been encouraged this last week to start trying to shoot in RAW and giving myself better ability to control the outcome of my photos.
The only thing is I am in no way, shape or form a "techy" - and trying to wade through manuals, tutorials, and gobbedly-gook instructions is making my brain explode, the tears flow and the chocolate being consumed "en masse"
In the meantime I have 2 sets of photos waiting to be processed and no clue how to do it. Plus the pressure of knowing I have clients waiting on these picts.
Preston is being an angel and putting up with all my emotional exposions by taking on the tech side of things - which makes me feel even worse that he is spending time doing my job instead of focusing on things he has to get done (work, military, church stuff ) before he goes out of town again. I feel completely overwhelmed and incompetent, and because I am, that he is always having to make up for all of my weaknesses and taking his own valuable time to fix or do all the things I fail at.
I recently talked with a gal in the other ward who is "pro" - and really have been feeling more discouraged and torn about myself and my photography since that time. She is a "high end $" photographer and very competitive with the other pro studio in town. I am not doing photography for the $ or to be competitive, but I feel I am more than just "a mom with a camera", as she put things. I know her opinion, or anyone else's, shouldnt matter - but with me still learning and trying to teach myself everything - others' suggestions and critiques and experience do matter.
I feel very strongly that I have a gift and talent that I can share - without having $ become the main focus - I know that we cant afford pro photos (part of the reason I am learning to do all this myself - we saved a ton this year by me taking photos for our own family) - I cant see myself charging an arm and a leg for families I know are in the same situation that we are, but who love to have picts done of their families and kiddos.
I know that this gift and talent is just that - a gift - that for whatever reason, was given to me to share - I want to learn more, develop this gift, help others, find the joy in being able to truly "see" the world around me, to get outside my comfort zone and get out there and meet new people. I love that every time I get behind the camera that I find a freedom and a creativity that flows through me and allows me the chance to grow and "see" - and not be afraid. I have ALWAYS been shy and afraid - have never been one of those "meet and greet" personalities. This is allowing me a chance to change that.
Battle #1 (besides still struggling with conquering correct lighting) is that I second guess myself at every shoot. I get so nervous I dont eat before a shoot and I shake and worry every minute that even though I am doing my very best - I am not going to be able to capture enough or have my work be good enough to give to others, that I will have wasted their time.
Battle #2 is the vast complexity of the photo enhancement programs. I am trying to read, trying to understand, trying to figure things out - but i just become more frustrated - esp knowing that I have taken some great picts that might need some tweaking here and there and I cant get it figured out. Esp knowing that I have clients waiting for picts.
Battle #3 is the whole business end of things. I advertise that I am friendly, efficient and professional. I try very hard to be all of those things and yet the $ always seems to get in the way. I still am trying to figure out what the best plan should be. Every shoot I have done has been completely different - large group, small, corporate, senior, how much time at a shoot, how much time at home doing tweaks, etc. Every shoot has brought new info to my attention that I havent even thought of and dont know how to compensate for.
I know that my time is valuable, and I would love to earn enough to expand my equipment and maybe be able to contribute to our family income. I also know that I cannot bring myself to charge horrendous amounts of $ - a gift is something to be shared, not charge admission for.
It is so hard to know what to do.
Battle #4 - I have been encouraged to join a professional photographers association and to attend an upcoming 4 day seminar. I have been told it is an amazing chance to learn about photography from others in every level of photography, workshops, practice, etc. The catch is that it would be almost $500 to be able to go.
Preston seems more than willing to do that - but I know we have cut back on everything extra to make ends meet and make sure all of household and family NEEDS are filled. To me, that much $ and me being away for 4 days seems selfish and frivilous - knowing that this is more in the lines of a hobby and that I am never intending to become a "cut-throat" photographer like others I have seen as they have come through the ranks. I dont know that my goals are to ever become so professional that I dont remember where I started, why I am doing this, or remember to be thankful for the gift I have been given to share with others. Throwing that much $ out there when I dont know what my goals are, or knowing that if I do ever get that far I will prob stay "free lance" seems like a very unwise thing to do.
Battle #5 - I think that I have pretty much become a royal nuisance through this process. I have asked too many questions, bugged too many people too many times. I am a very visual learner - I need to see and watch and ask. I have never been one to read and retain - esp when it comes to complicated tech stuff. In needing the visual side, I have cut myself off from that option because I am such a bother and have been too incompetent. I cant even get others to answer my emails or calls. In trying to teach myself and trying to learn from others I have ruined that chance.
This art has 2 sides - creativity and tech - and business, if it gets that far.
I think I am doing great on the creativity side - it has opened up a whole new world for me to see things that others dont, to appreciate and wonder at all of the creations and people around us.
I am doing horribly with the tech side - hampering my opportunity and ability to share with others the things that I see and feel through this art.
Without knowing every in and out of my camera, without being able to tweak or fix picts, because of my meager abilities, I cant create or capture the things my eyes see or that my heart feels, or create prints that I can share with someone else.
The joy is lessened or lost waiting and worrying about others' opinions (and then still not letting myself believe them even if they like the picts) or because $ has to be part of the business side.
I think that in the last few months that I have learned alot. I have experienced personal growth in lots of areas. I also sometimes feel like I should never share my photography with others ever again. I also know that if I dont share it, the gift is lost, esp when I hear from others that I have somehow been an ispiration to them. It is lost if I dont share it with my own children in creating a family journal and their scrapbook pages that they love so much.
I know there is more that I need to write - but for now cant find the right words. Maybe in daylight hours I will be able to write more. For now I will keep trying, I will keep trudging through the hard stuff, I will keep trying to not be a pain in the "you know where" to all of you who keep putting up with me. I will write and post more soon.
Showing posts with label venting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label venting. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
PHOTOGRAPHY LESSONS
OK, here is another one pretty much just for me - feel free to peruse or skip
I did a family shoot yesterday that I am not feeling so hot about - mostly because of all the major mistakes I made. These are things that I have learned and if I get the opportunity to do another photo session I will hopefully be able to apply.
1) Stand up for myself, my time & work and ask for my fee BEFORE I do a shoot. I will not release the pict CD until my fee is paid
2) Make sure the location area is free of vehicles, photo equipment, etc.
3) Spend time on tweaks before they are ordered only if I LOVE them and would post them or add them to my portfolio
4) Be sure to let clients know BEFORE a shoot that my intent is to post a "sneak peek" on my photo blog
5) Be willing to listen to ideas, suggestions and critiques without folding in on myself and giving up or making myself feel like a complete failure
6) Be willing to show gratitude in accepting & applying these ideas and critiques before I end up hurting others that are trying their best to help - esp when it is my sweetheart who has given up all his work time to help me so I dont explode from being overwhelmed.
7) Be very clear about what the client is expecting or wanting. Be sure to ask before a shoot and just before starting picts to be sure to capture what the client wants as well as leaving time for creative shots and pict angles
8) Create some kind of client package that will include a feedback sheet, order form, business card, receipt, and pict CD.
9) Make sure and give myself sufficient time to process and get picts to a client. A week at most, and shorter time only at special request. Do not allow myself to be pressured by a client - my time is as valuable and important as theirs - this is a side adventure, my family is my life.
10) Dont attempt to play with new software, technology, etc without sufficient time to learn about it before offering it to a client or applying it to business end of things.
I am sure there will be more things I think of to add to this list. It seems the more I learn about photography the more I learn I DONT know. The way I feel at the moment I dont ever want to pick up my camera again - and yet I know I will - I have to - I already have shoots scheduled for Saturday.
At this point I am going to pretty much assume this session has been a scratch and a hard bunch of lessons to learn. I have learned a lot, even if it is all the things NOT to do next time. If there is a next time. My main goal with photography is to still share this gift to bring happiness to others, but it will be nice if that gift will someday be returned in allowing me to somehow contribute something positive to our household and family. Only time will tell.
I did a family shoot yesterday that I am not feeling so hot about - mostly because of all the major mistakes I made. These are things that I have learned and if I get the opportunity to do another photo session I will hopefully be able to apply.
1) Stand up for myself, my time & work and ask for my fee BEFORE I do a shoot. I will not release the pict CD until my fee is paid
2) Make sure the location area is free of vehicles, photo equipment, etc.
3) Spend time on tweaks before they are ordered only if I LOVE them and would post them or add them to my portfolio
4) Be sure to let clients know BEFORE a shoot that my intent is to post a "sneak peek" on my photo blog
5) Be willing to listen to ideas, suggestions and critiques without folding in on myself and giving up or making myself feel like a complete failure
6) Be willing to show gratitude in accepting & applying these ideas and critiques before I end up hurting others that are trying their best to help - esp when it is my sweetheart who has given up all his work time to help me so I dont explode from being overwhelmed.
7) Be very clear about what the client is expecting or wanting. Be sure to ask before a shoot and just before starting picts to be sure to capture what the client wants as well as leaving time for creative shots and pict angles
8) Create some kind of client package that will include a feedback sheet, order form, business card, receipt, and pict CD.
9) Make sure and give myself sufficient time to process and get picts to a client. A week at most, and shorter time only at special request. Do not allow myself to be pressured by a client - my time is as valuable and important as theirs - this is a side adventure, my family is my life.
10) Dont attempt to play with new software, technology, etc without sufficient time to learn about it before offering it to a client or applying it to business end of things.
I am sure there will be more things I think of to add to this list. It seems the more I learn about photography the more I learn I DONT know. The way I feel at the moment I dont ever want to pick up my camera again - and yet I know I will - I have to - I already have shoots scheduled for Saturday.
At this point I am going to pretty much assume this session has been a scratch and a hard bunch of lessons to learn. I have learned a lot, even if it is all the things NOT to do next time. If there is a next time. My main goal with photography is to still share this gift to bring happiness to others, but it will be nice if that gift will someday be returned in allowing me to somehow contribute something positive to our household and family. Only time will tell.
Friday, November 21, 2008
FEELING HELPLESS UPDATE
I have had many sweet comments made after my last post. I thought I would at least send an update on some stuff.
1) The young woman who was missing has returned home on her own. There is a lot in front of her and her family, but for now she is home, and that will allow for help and healing for all of them
2) The two boys were recovered from the river. Lots of blessings fell into place to allow specialized divers to be able to find them. Though they are gone, and things are going to be very hard, there will be closure for their family and friends and the community
3) My friend contacted me and was able to share with me some of her challenges. She is such a sweetheart and I am so glad that she is my friend. My thoughts and prayers will continue to be with her.
4) The weather is still as icky as ever - we have even added heavy clouds and rain recently. The gray sky is a constant challenge and I have to fight every minute to not just go straight to bed and stay there. Having my girls home with me for 10 days though will be a big help - we have projects planned to work on more Christmas stuff. Plus it will be nice to have them here to just give some extra help which might allow me to catch up on some much needed sleep.
5) Weight stuff is still a struggle. Other family members will be thrilled to know that I have gained back 2/3 of the miniscule amount that I have been able to lose in the last 3 weeks....giving in to emotional eating was most of that. I am really struggling with finding the desire to continue when progress is so small or non-existent. Eating in general has become a very difficult thing at our house - kiddos are protesting the changes in big ways or refusing to eat all together. We didnt have extra bad habits before - but trying to make changes has been harder for all of us than expected.
We are working hard on all those things to help us keep "holding on". The girls have done esp well with their scriptures this week - our family contest seems to be making good progress. We are still working with the little boys but they are doing well for the most part to participate in family prayer and scripture study. We will just keep doing our best and hopefully, for now, it is enough.
1) The young woman who was missing has returned home on her own. There is a lot in front of her and her family, but for now she is home, and that will allow for help and healing for all of them
2) The two boys were recovered from the river. Lots of blessings fell into place to allow specialized divers to be able to find them. Though they are gone, and things are going to be very hard, there will be closure for their family and friends and the community
3) My friend contacted me and was able to share with me some of her challenges. She is such a sweetheart and I am so glad that she is my friend. My thoughts and prayers will continue to be with her.
4) The weather is still as icky as ever - we have even added heavy clouds and rain recently. The gray sky is a constant challenge and I have to fight every minute to not just go straight to bed and stay there. Having my girls home with me for 10 days though will be a big help - we have projects planned to work on more Christmas stuff. Plus it will be nice to have them here to just give some extra help which might allow me to catch up on some much needed sleep.
5) Weight stuff is still a struggle. Other family members will be thrilled to know that I have gained back 2/3 of the miniscule amount that I have been able to lose in the last 3 weeks....giving in to emotional eating was most of that. I am really struggling with finding the desire to continue when progress is so small or non-existent. Eating in general has become a very difficult thing at our house - kiddos are protesting the changes in big ways or refusing to eat all together. We didnt have extra bad habits before - but trying to make changes has been harder for all of us than expected.
We are working hard on all those things to help us keep "holding on". The girls have done esp well with their scriptures this week - our family contest seems to be making good progress. We are still working with the little boys but they are doing well for the most part to participate in family prayer and scripture study. We will just keep doing our best and hopefully, for now, it is enough.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
FEELING HELPLESS
OK, this is prob just a "vent " blog for myself. Feel free to come along or not. Be forewarned...:)
Do you ever have those days that you feel so helpless against the ills of the world that you arent sure what to do or if what you do even matters.
This last week/weekend has really whammied my life with the ills and hurt the world has to throw at us.
In just the last 48 hours I have found out about a young woman who is missing from her family and is most likely in a very dangerous situation. What hurts my heart the most for her family is knowing she left of her own will and choice. I also found out about 2 brothers who have gone missing and may be lost to our local river. I have talked with a man on our CERT team who lost his sweet wife over the weekend. I have talked with another woman on our CERT team who is losing her husband to divorce.
I have a dear, sweet friend who I think is very sick but cant tell anyone yet what is happening. She is trying her best, with the help of her darling children and amazing husband, to come to a point where she is able to accept this new and overwhelming challenge in her life before she is ready to let anyone else know what that challenge is.
I think about her, pray for her, worry about her, wish that I were closer to be able to help her with all the little things that become big things when life is challenging.
The gray weather, clouds, & heavy fog weigh heavily on me these days. Winter is here and I sometimes wish I could hybernate like animals do and go to bed and not come out until it is warm and sunny again. My mind, will and smallest desires dont want to comply with all that is before me every day to have to accomplish. On my extra bad days I dont ever make it out of my PJ's or into a shower - no matter where I need to be. More often than not I have been even dropping the boys off to school still not dressed in any way but the way I climbed out of bed.
I agreed to participate in a family contest for "biggest loser" in which I am gaining instead of losing. My one argument up front was that last time it took a YEAR to get baby weight off - and we only have a little over 3 months. I am trying to do everything I can and if there is any difference at all it is only in ounces. Losing the contest will be a big ouch to the bank acct as there is much at stake with all that each family member contributed to the "pot". It is discouraging to be trying so hard and seeing little or no progress.
My photography has taken off and become very overwhelming at the same time. I have had tons of people approach me for picts. I have done some amazing work through great blessings. Through the encouragement of others I have decided to charge for my work and offer special holiday picts in a portrait setting vs a 5 minute "mall" experience. In the process I think I have bungled more than not - trying to get flyers out in the wrong venue (church) - something I am trying to undo and promise to never do again. I have found the little that I do know about my camera and photography is nothing to the amount of things I DONT know about my camera and photography. So much that is is very overwhelming at times.
I got the amazing opportunity to possibly get my 1st corporate shoot only to have probably lost it before I ever got the chance because we are still working out the "kinks" in the business end of things. My holiday special photo offer so far has bombed completely and the only shoots I have scheduled are for a couple that I am going to do for free for friends and family who are going to let me play and practice some new ideas.
For all of this sadness, frustration and challenging circumstances I know I have much to be grateful for. Health, safety, preston's job, blessings that come with using a gift to serve others, a warm, safe home, the ability to keep working on gospel principles, having the ability to fill the physical needs of our family, the list can go on and on.
Maybe the answers to all of these challenges and hurt is in the thoughts that came to me as I was driving through the fog yesterday.
As I was driving Kels down to her dr appt the fog was very thick and dense. I could only see a car length in any direction. My thoughts strayed to Lehi's dream about the Tree of Life. The way to the tree was blocked by great mists of darkness. I felt engulfed in those mists yesterday - knowing that if I were to drive or walk in any direction into "wilderness" that I would be very lost and in very big trouble - just like what happened to those in Lehi's dream.
The only true path to the tree was by holding on to the iron rod. If people let go for any reason they were most likely lost from the true path to peace, safety and eternal blessings. I thought about that as I drove, not being able to see in front of me or around me much at all. The white line painted on the side of the road was all I had to keep me safe and going in the right direction to reach my desired destination. My faith and trust was in that line - knowing if I stayed on the road that I would make it to where I needed to be. It seems silly to think about faith in a painted line, or that the sun will rise every morning, or that the rain and cold will turn into a warm and sunny spring. These are things we just take for granted that will just happen. We never doubt for a moment that they wont happen.
In today's world with its ever growing ills and challenges and as we watch wicked men become more bold and gain more power our need to "hold to the rod" is even more important. More often than not this statement is changing - we are not asked to just hold on anymore - but we are admonished to hold on tightly with both hand and all our strength.
How do we continue to hold on? We continue to try hard every day to do those things we know are right and that will bless our families - read and study the scriptures, family & personal prayer, FHE, attending meetings and the temple if we are able, we continue to build our food storage and emergency supplies, we try to save $, even if it is a little bit, we keep working to get out of debt, we never fail in following the prophet and apostles, we strive to be worthy of the promptings of the spirit and make sure we heed his counsel and direction when it comes.
These are the small and simple things of the gospel. Sometimes they seem like they are so overwhelming that we will never get to them all. All we are asked to do is try our very best and the rest will fall into place. By doing our best every day - whether that is getting everything done, or one small thing done, we are moving forward. We are trying to strengthen our testimonies and teach our children what is most important. One small step forward is one step in the right direction - moving us towards eternal goals.
One small step forward will be what helps us get through these trying times and all that the world may try to throw at us. Faith that we will be blessed for our efforts, and be ever grateful for those blessings, will also help see us through. Having friends, family, children, & spouses to stand by us, and us to stand by them, will give all of us the strength to get through one more minute, or hour, or day. Knowing that we are never alone, even in our darkest hour, can bring even a small glimmer of light into our hearts and our lives that will help us to endure all that may be thrown at us.
It is amazing to me that these "epiphanies" can be set off by the smallest thing. Mine was set off by driving through the fog. The challenge for me is believing all the things that I have written down - trying to get my brain to ignore all the voices that still tell me that these things work for everyone else but me, trying to get beyond all the pain and darkness of my past to try and find some light for the present and future. There are moments when I know all of these things are impossible to achieve and then other smaller moments when I think things are starting to sink in. Even if my brain doesnt let me believe it for myself - it does believe it for my children - and as long as I am striving to teach them all of these things I can know it will be true for them. And for now - as we were recently told in conference - I dont need to know everything - but for now, I know enough.
Do you ever have those days that you feel so helpless against the ills of the world that you arent sure what to do or if what you do even matters.
This last week/weekend has really whammied my life with the ills and hurt the world has to throw at us.
In just the last 48 hours I have found out about a young woman who is missing from her family and is most likely in a very dangerous situation. What hurts my heart the most for her family is knowing she left of her own will and choice. I also found out about 2 brothers who have gone missing and may be lost to our local river. I have talked with a man on our CERT team who lost his sweet wife over the weekend. I have talked with another woman on our CERT team who is losing her husband to divorce.
I have a dear, sweet friend who I think is very sick but cant tell anyone yet what is happening. She is trying her best, with the help of her darling children and amazing husband, to come to a point where she is able to accept this new and overwhelming challenge in her life before she is ready to let anyone else know what that challenge is.
I think about her, pray for her, worry about her, wish that I were closer to be able to help her with all the little things that become big things when life is challenging.
The gray weather, clouds, & heavy fog weigh heavily on me these days. Winter is here and I sometimes wish I could hybernate like animals do and go to bed and not come out until it is warm and sunny again. My mind, will and smallest desires dont want to comply with all that is before me every day to have to accomplish. On my extra bad days I dont ever make it out of my PJ's or into a shower - no matter where I need to be. More often than not I have been even dropping the boys off to school still not dressed in any way but the way I climbed out of bed.
I agreed to participate in a family contest for "biggest loser" in which I am gaining instead of losing. My one argument up front was that last time it took a YEAR to get baby weight off - and we only have a little over 3 months. I am trying to do everything I can and if there is any difference at all it is only in ounces. Losing the contest will be a big ouch to the bank acct as there is much at stake with all that each family member contributed to the "pot". It is discouraging to be trying so hard and seeing little or no progress.
My photography has taken off and become very overwhelming at the same time. I have had tons of people approach me for picts. I have done some amazing work through great blessings. Through the encouragement of others I have decided to charge for my work and offer special holiday picts in a portrait setting vs a 5 minute "mall" experience. In the process I think I have bungled more than not - trying to get flyers out in the wrong venue (church) - something I am trying to undo and promise to never do again. I have found the little that I do know about my camera and photography is nothing to the amount of things I DONT know about my camera and photography. So much that is is very overwhelming at times.
I got the amazing opportunity to possibly get my 1st corporate shoot only to have probably lost it before I ever got the chance because we are still working out the "kinks" in the business end of things. My holiday special photo offer so far has bombed completely and the only shoots I have scheduled are for a couple that I am going to do for free for friends and family who are going to let me play and practice some new ideas.
For all of this sadness, frustration and challenging circumstances I know I have much to be grateful for. Health, safety, preston's job, blessings that come with using a gift to serve others, a warm, safe home, the ability to keep working on gospel principles, having the ability to fill the physical needs of our family, the list can go on and on.
Maybe the answers to all of these challenges and hurt is in the thoughts that came to me as I was driving through the fog yesterday.
As I was driving Kels down to her dr appt the fog was very thick and dense. I could only see a car length in any direction. My thoughts strayed to Lehi's dream about the Tree of Life. The way to the tree was blocked by great mists of darkness. I felt engulfed in those mists yesterday - knowing that if I were to drive or walk in any direction into "wilderness" that I would be very lost and in very big trouble - just like what happened to those in Lehi's dream.
The only true path to the tree was by holding on to the iron rod. If people let go for any reason they were most likely lost from the true path to peace, safety and eternal blessings. I thought about that as I drove, not being able to see in front of me or around me much at all. The white line painted on the side of the road was all I had to keep me safe and going in the right direction to reach my desired destination. My faith and trust was in that line - knowing if I stayed on the road that I would make it to where I needed to be. It seems silly to think about faith in a painted line, or that the sun will rise every morning, or that the rain and cold will turn into a warm and sunny spring. These are things we just take for granted that will just happen. We never doubt for a moment that they wont happen.
In today's world with its ever growing ills and challenges and as we watch wicked men become more bold and gain more power our need to "hold to the rod" is even more important. More often than not this statement is changing - we are not asked to just hold on anymore - but we are admonished to hold on tightly with both hand and all our strength.
How do we continue to hold on? We continue to try hard every day to do those things we know are right and that will bless our families - read and study the scriptures, family & personal prayer, FHE, attending meetings and the temple if we are able, we continue to build our food storage and emergency supplies, we try to save $, even if it is a little bit, we keep working to get out of debt, we never fail in following the prophet and apostles, we strive to be worthy of the promptings of the spirit and make sure we heed his counsel and direction when it comes.
These are the small and simple things of the gospel. Sometimes they seem like they are so overwhelming that we will never get to them all. All we are asked to do is try our very best and the rest will fall into place. By doing our best every day - whether that is getting everything done, or one small thing done, we are moving forward. We are trying to strengthen our testimonies and teach our children what is most important. One small step forward is one step in the right direction - moving us towards eternal goals.
One small step forward will be what helps us get through these trying times and all that the world may try to throw at us. Faith that we will be blessed for our efforts, and be ever grateful for those blessings, will also help see us through. Having friends, family, children, & spouses to stand by us, and us to stand by them, will give all of us the strength to get through one more minute, or hour, or day. Knowing that we are never alone, even in our darkest hour, can bring even a small glimmer of light into our hearts and our lives that will help us to endure all that may be thrown at us.
It is amazing to me that these "epiphanies" can be set off by the smallest thing. Mine was set off by driving through the fog. The challenge for me is believing all the things that I have written down - trying to get my brain to ignore all the voices that still tell me that these things work for everyone else but me, trying to get beyond all the pain and darkness of my past to try and find some light for the present and future. There are moments when I know all of these things are impossible to achieve and then other smaller moments when I think things are starting to sink in. Even if my brain doesnt let me believe it for myself - it does believe it for my children - and as long as I am striving to teach them all of these things I can know it will be true for them. And for now - as we were recently told in conference - I dont need to know everything - but for now, I know enough.
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