FEELING HELPLESS

OK, this is prob just a "vent " blog for myself. Feel free to come along or not. Be forewarned...:)

Do you ever have those days that you feel so helpless against the ills of the world that you arent sure what to do or if what you do even matters.

This last week/weekend has really whammied my life with the ills and hurt the world has to throw at us.

In just the last 48 hours I have found out about a young woman who is missing from her family and is most likely in a very dangerous situation. What hurts my heart the most for her family is knowing she left of her own will and choice. I also found out about 2 brothers who have gone missing and may be lost to our local river. I have talked with a man on our CERT team who lost his sweet wife over the weekend. I have talked with another woman on our CERT team who is losing her husband to divorce.

I have a dear, sweet friend who I think is very sick but cant tell anyone yet what is happening. She is trying her best, with the help of her darling children and amazing husband, to come to a point where she is able to accept this new and overwhelming challenge in her life before she is ready to let anyone else know what that challenge is.
I think about her, pray for her, worry about her, wish that I were closer to be able to help her with all the little things that become big things when life is challenging.

The gray weather, clouds, & heavy fog weigh heavily on me these days. Winter is here and I sometimes wish I could hybernate like animals do and go to bed and not come out until it is warm and sunny again. My mind, will and smallest desires dont want to comply with all that is before me every day to have to accomplish. On my extra bad days I dont ever make it out of my PJ's or into a shower - no matter where I need to be. More often than not I have been even dropping the boys off to school still not dressed in any way but the way I climbed out of bed.

I agreed to participate in a family contest for "biggest loser" in which I am gaining instead of losing. My one argument up front was that last time it took a YEAR to get baby weight off - and we only have a little over 3 months. I am trying to do everything I can and if there is any difference at all it is only in ounces. Losing the contest will be a big ouch to the bank acct as there is much at stake with all that each family member contributed to the "pot". It is discouraging to be trying so hard and seeing little or no progress.

My photography has taken off and become very overwhelming at the same time. I have had tons of people approach me for picts. I have done some amazing work through great blessings. Through the encouragement of others I have decided to charge for my work and offer special holiday picts in a portrait setting vs a 5 minute "mall" experience. In the process I think I have bungled more than not - trying to get flyers out in the wrong venue (church) - something I am trying to undo and promise to never do again. I have found the little that I do know about my camera and photography is nothing to the amount of things I DONT know about my camera and photography. So much that is is very overwhelming at times.
I got the amazing opportunity to possibly get my 1st corporate shoot only to have probably lost it before I ever got the chance because we are still working out the "kinks" in the business end of things. My holiday special photo offer so far has bombed completely and the only shoots I have scheduled are for a couple that I am going to do for free for friends and family who are going to let me play and practice some new ideas.

For all of this sadness, frustration and challenging circumstances I know I have much to be grateful for. Health, safety, preston's job, blessings that come with using a gift to serve others, a warm, safe home, the ability to keep working on gospel principles, having the ability to fill the physical needs of our family, the list can go on and on.
Maybe the answers to all of these challenges and hurt is in the thoughts that came to me as I was driving through the fog yesterday.

As I was driving Kels down to her dr appt the fog was very thick and dense. I could only see a car length in any direction. My thoughts strayed to Lehi's dream about the Tree of Life. The way to the tree was blocked by great mists of darkness. I felt engulfed in those mists yesterday - knowing that if I were to drive or walk in any direction into "wilderness" that I would be very lost and in very big trouble - just like what happened to those in Lehi's dream.

The only true path to the tree was by holding on to the iron rod. If people let go for any reason they were most likely lost from the true path to peace, safety and eternal blessings. I thought about that as I drove, not being able to see in front of me or around me much at all. The white line painted on the side of the road was all I had to keep me safe and going in the right direction to reach my desired destination. My faith and trust was in that line - knowing if I stayed on the road that I would make it to where I needed to be. It seems silly to think about faith in a painted line, or that the sun will rise every morning, or that the rain and cold will turn into a warm and sunny spring. These are things we just take for granted that will just happen. We never doubt for a moment that they wont happen.
In today's world with its ever growing ills and challenges and as we watch wicked men become more bold and gain more power our need to "hold to the rod" is even more important. More often than not this statement is changing - we are not asked to just hold on anymore - but we are admonished to hold on tightly with both hand and all our strength.

How do we continue to hold on? We continue to try hard every day to do those things we know are right and that will bless our families - read and study the scriptures, family & personal prayer, FHE, attending meetings and the temple if we are able, we continue to build our food storage and emergency supplies, we try to save $, even if it is a little bit, we keep working to get out of debt, we never fail in following the prophet and apostles, we strive to be worthy of the promptings of the spirit and make sure we heed his counsel and direction when it comes.

These are the small and simple things of the gospel. Sometimes they seem like they are so overwhelming that we will never get to them all. All we are asked to do is try our very best and the rest will fall into place. By doing our best every day - whether that is getting everything done, or one small thing done, we are moving forward. We are trying to strengthen our testimonies and teach our children what is most important. One small step forward is one step in the right direction - moving us towards eternal goals.

One small step forward will be what helps us get through these trying times and all that the world may try to throw at us. Faith that we will be blessed for our efforts, and be ever grateful for those blessings, will also help see us through. Having friends, family, children, & spouses to stand by us, and us to stand by them, will give all of us the strength to get through one more minute, or hour, or day. Knowing that we are never alone, even in our darkest hour, can bring even a small glimmer of light into our hearts and our lives that will help us to endure all that may be thrown at us.

It is amazing to me that these "epiphanies" can be set off by the smallest thing. Mine was set off by driving through the fog. The challenge for me is believing all the things that I have written down - trying to get my brain to ignore all the voices that still tell me that these things work for everyone else but me, trying to get beyond all the pain and darkness of my past to try and find some light for the present and future. There are moments when I know all of these things are impossible to achieve and then other smaller moments when I think things are starting to sink in. Even if my brain doesnt let me believe it for myself - it does believe it for my children - and as long as I am striving to teach them all of these things I can know it will be true for them. And for now - as we were recently told in conference - I dont need to know everything - but for now, I know enough.