Ok, just venting here for a minute and then would love to get everyone's ideas about what you think.
Lately my 3 big kiddos have been in the habit of forgetting things - lunches, homework, important papers, etc. and then expecting me to jump in the car and rescue them.
After having this happen again today - and having to put 4 kiddos in the car again to help big girls I am a bit beside myself.
I am caught in a dilema though - do I continue to bail them out and be at their beck and call and still be doing so in 15+years when I still havent taught them to be responsible - or do I draw the line now and make them responsible for the consequences of their own actions - including their forgetfulness, no matter how big or small.
My thoughts are in a turmoil of "in 15 years is it going to matter?" Will it?- will they still be calling me to bail them out? Will they remember that I was a "hard nose" and never willing to help or support them? Will they remember that I was always willing to help no matter what?
My brain is in all sorts of places over this. Would love to know what you think or what experiences you have had with this with your own kiddos? Maybe I am the only one?
4 comments:
My mother was a helicopter. She did it all out of love--always bailing me out, but this is one of the characteristics I decided I would not imitate. There are things, even now as an adult, that I'm learning in making decisions and solving problems that I probably would have learned as a child had I been allowed to deal with some of my dumbness.
I have to admit I'm so far from perfect in this, and I have slipped up and rescued my kids more times than I'd like to admit, but more frequent are the times I've let them creatively solve their own problems or face the consequences. They have learned so much faster and not made the same mistakes twice when I've allowed them to feel the pain of it. Like the time when Q forgot her towel when going to swimming lessons. I so wanted to save her, but I refrained. I didn't even say anything to her. I just waited until she got out of the pool to see what her reaction would be. I can guarantee you, she never forgot her towel again. It was the best, and I didn't ever have to remind her again.
I was also much better with this with my first two children, but as my mom was dying and #3 was little, I have to admit, I was just always in a hurry and wanted everything handled and handled quickly, so I became careless about letting the consequences teach.
As life has gotten busier, there have been times when I've responded with knee-jerk reactions instead of thinking things through and realizing the teaching moments I was depriving my kids of.
I know we are all happier when do this. Actually, when in the temple, that's one thing that comes out quite clearly as part of our Heavenly Father's plan that we may all learn from our experiences.
You know that's a tough one. My experience is the opposite of Julie's. I still remember calling my mom in high school. I had a huge project due that day. I'd worked really hard on it. I had forgotten to grab it on my way out the door in a hurry (flury might be the right word to use). It couldn't be late, there were no exceptions, and it was my grade for the whole class. She wouldn't bring it to the school. I was very upset, I never called my mom to ask for help, unless I was desperate. Which totaled about 2 times through Middle and High school. (don't remember elementary)
I think there needs to be some balance. It's important for them to learn to be more responsible. But I believe there are times when it is ok to help them out. The trick is nowing how to respond with each situation.
I have similar problems also. But lately I've been having to go to the school anyways to give the kids medicine (don't have the medical authorization form filled out and turned in yet.), pretty hard to say oh well, tough luck. Good luck, it is not easy.
I sometimes think we feel guilty that we're not being a "good parent" unless we do EVERYTHING we can EVERY TIME.
Instead, I think being a "good parent" means we're preparing our kids to be parents themselves! If we're teaching them correct principles (including the consequences of dumb mistakes) then that' better - I think - than always bailing them out.
That's not to say we should NEVER bail them out. But becoming that "good parent" involves figuring out when it is more important to jump in and fix a particular situation, or to allow our kids to figure it out / feel the pain for themselves.
Where is that magic line? Wish there were an easy answer.
Sorry mom. I promise to try and be more responsible.
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