BUILDING CHARACTER

After all the challenges this week I have felt like Heavenly Father is throwing so much at me that he is expecting me to gain a lifetime of character in just one week!

My recent posts have just covered one area of the challenges I have been personally battling with. As I have struggled, my heart has also been with other family members who are also struggling just as much, or more, than I am.

I found out at this week that at least 3 of my 5 sis-in-laws are experiencing severe health concerns as well. One other sis-in-law has been in challenge mode for some time, and my other, although I am not aware at this time of anything personal, her husband has been struggling through the not so fun process of a nasty broken foot.

They have all been in my thoughts and prayers - as that is all I can extend to them at this moment....it is frustrating to me to be in a point where I cant even give love or calls or help to those I love most because we are also in the middle of so many challenges....

It has also been frustrating to not be able to give back anything more than my verbal thanx (which is so miniscule) for the kindness, love, friendship and hours of service that have been poured out upon me and our family in this last week, and in recent weeks.

It seems at times that we go along so peacefully, feeling like we are really accomplishing things, feeling like we are making good progress - and then SLAM! we get one thing after another, that any one thing alone would be more than could be handled, and yet multiple things are piled on all at once.

As I was laying in bed tonight, again not sleeping, my mind went to the prophet Joseph and when he was at a breaking point too. He and other bretheren had been taken by force, accused falsely (again) and thrown into prison. They were treated harshly by wicked men who couldnt care less if the men died. They were cold, wet, sick, starving. Joseph's prayer went to Heavenly Father - just as the Savior did - "Why hast thou forsaken me?" The reply he received was that he was not left alone, and that even these (horrible) things would be for Joseph's good, that they were but a small moment in the expanse of eternity, and that if Joseph endured it well that he would inheirit the kingdom of heaven.

It is a very moving, very emotional story from Joseph's life and in church history. It also has a very strong message - we are never left alone. We are surrounded by angels (mortal or immortal) and Heavenly Father knows about every minute of our strugles. Also "keep on, keeping on", "continue to fight the good fight", and "this too shall pass" and that these things are for the greater good of building strong, valiant men and women of the kingdom.

This message of comfort and promise came with an IF though, our part of the "deal"- IF you endure it well. I have a friend right now who is rocking in this enduring - she has found the "ah hah" of this message - and many others in the scriptures - she is taking on challenges and winning - she is choosing to keep the eternal goals in perspective and applying to the simple things of her life like family, everyday family stress, and exercise and eating...she is amazing anyway - but seeing her growth and joy has made me admire her all the more for the example she is to me and so many others around her.

Then there is me. I feel like in the same amount of time that my friend has been achieving, choosing to win, moving forward with leaps and bounds - that I have been everything that is the exact opposite. I have given in to sorrow and pain and emotional eating. I have been grouchy at best and nasty at worst. I am not enduring things well and that IF hangs over my head every day...I feel like I am only in survival mode and usually moving backwards instead of forwards. I feel like I am fighting and enduring all the wrong things and with the wrong attitude. My recent posts, for the most part, have reflected all of these things. I am sure anyone who has been reading has long given up since all I do is fuss whine all the time. I would give up on me too....

I keep telling myself that it is the weather - that what I am experiencing is a physical change that changes everything else around me - something that takes away the light and any will to fight and endure. Am I just making excuses? Am I just making things up? I definately did not make up the kidney stone thing - but I have not chosen to have a good attitude - I have chosen to get mad and I have shown exceptionally bad manners. What about the seasonal thing - it is also physical - how do I endure when my brain is overflowing with so much negative and barely surviving that I cant escape outside of my own little world of pain and grief and struggle -

And yet I do - every day - I change 10 diapers in one day, I dress and feed little ones every day, I make my son a 3rd PB&J for lunch, I take time to take picts of my 9month old's hilarious expressions. I am reading my scriptures, no matter that it may be one or two verses or a whole chapter, I am having scriptures and prayers with whoever happens to be home for night routine (which recently has just been me and the little boys)I am fighting with doctors to try to manage my health, I am fighting with the school district (again) for the betterment of our kids and teachers. I am just getting out of bed every day, and even some days getting dressed. I am trying to follow through on photography committments that help and serve others, I am finding joy and fulfillment in the often mundane and little things that no one else notices (making choc milk for little people who drink it like it is going out of style)I am finding joy in getting behind the camera to capture special, once in a lifetime moments, for others with the purpose not to make zillions of dollars, but to bring others joy from sharing that experience.

So - are these little things "enduring" even through the grumbling and the crying and the pain? Will it be enough to be an heir to eternity? Personally, I still cant believe it is, my brain and heart have still not healed enough to allow me that hope. I know so many others could talk until they were blue in the face trying to convince me - but I do not have the capacity to believe it. Yet some little part of me must believe it because I "keep on, keeping on" and one day after another has gone by and I have made it through - even if it has only been surviving one minute at a time. My brain cannot let go of the wrongs of the past, or present, and it taints any hope for the future. But I keep going, even if it is just to try and hope that what I do today in those "small and simple things" will be enough to help the kids be strong and safe in these tumultuous times. For that reason alone, I move forward, even if it is at a snail's pace.

Here's to enduring.