Winter Blues

I have had several people ask why I havent blogged lately - in fact I havent posted anything for more than a month....

My "winter blues" have set in and it seems most days with the gray skies, gray fog, and heavy gray rain that the blues have me in their clutches.

I didnt used to struggle so much, but after the last 3 babies it seems that each winter has become more difficult. I know exactly what my brain and body are doing - shutting down on every level - and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

There is some consolation for me in at least knowing what is happening. I have learned to listen to my body when it gets like this and I know enough to say "no" or to step back from all the craziness and committments I take on. I know what I can/can't take on when even basic tasks become extremely difficult.

It is a challenge for me to still do enough to get us through each day - and even more of a challenge when I know others are judging me who dont understand or know me well enough to know of my personal struggles. It is hard to explain to someone else who has not experienced it - I get comments from others "if you will just do this or that then you will be fine". Besides others' comments I am constantly fighting the screaming voices in my head that tell me that I am "lazy, neglectful, selfish, etc". I have to fight every day to remember that my body has gone through some pretty major changes with each baby - changes that are permanent and that will be a challenge to me probably for the rest of my life. I have to fight every day to not give in to the screaming voices that, in the past, have left me with no desire to even get out of bed or left me in such deep darkness that I was beyond hope.

These days I am right on the edge of that darkness - but I am at least aware of where I am. I understand that when I dont have the desire or energy to even pick up my camera to take picts of the kids that I am struggling. I can know when I wake up and my body only moves at a snail's pace that I will need to make it a "quiet" day and only expend energy on absolute needs. I know that when my fingers are in so much pain from open wounds that I need for Preston or the girls' to take over, & I have learned to ask them to and then let them. I know that when my dear friend comes to "beat" on me and I feel like she is stabbing me, when she is barely touching me, that I need to back off, slow down, and let things go - on every level I can.

I have learned to listen to my body - I have learned to pay attention to the small things that can help or make things worse. I am trying to learn to let others help me. I am trying to learn to not listen to all the negative screaming voices. I am trying to listen and obey when I am told to just take a day, an hour, or a minute at a time to get through each day.

I have zillions of thoughts that fly through my head - tons of things that are happening that I want to blog about, tons of stuff that I want to share about how photography is going - tons and tons and tons, and yet I know that for now the "tons" will need to wait until I can get everything balanced back out. This post hopefully flows ok considering how many little pieces it has been written in and how many times I have had to walk away and come back. Please know that I am thinking of each of you who do read and ask about me and do care about our family. Know that there is so much I want to share - and will when the time is right. Thank you to all of you who do care and take time to write and check in on us - it really means more right now than ever when I am not able to do the calling and checking. I will post again, not sure when, but hopefully soon.