Overwhelmed

Apr 23, 2012

Just barely got home from meeting Dr H, who is my plastic surgeon. Our 1 hour appt turned into a 2.5 hour appt instead. We basically got the whole history of breast reconstruction, implants, politics, FDA regulations, court cases, options, options and options. The more info we were given, the more questions came up that didn’t have answers, or could only be answered by Dr F (my surgeon). I was feeling so overwhelmed by the time we left that I thought I was going to explode. All I could do was cry.

We stood out on the sidewalk trying to decide what to do, knowing that we needed to talk to Dr F ASAP – both of us together. I called Dr F office trying to pass along questions, hoping he would be willing to call us after hours. I hung up the phone just to have it ring – and there he was. We jumped into the Beast and conferenced with him, sharing all the info Dr H had given and recommended, and seeing if Dr F concurred.

We jumped back out of the Beast and walked right back into Dr H office with a plan on our plate…

Weighing all the risks of this specific cancer, considering all the curveballs we have already been thrown, and the desire to minimize future surgeries this is what the current plan is:

Bi-lateral mastectomy with bi-lateral reconstruction piggy-backed into same surgery.

What does this mean? It will mean several hours of surgery to complete mastectomies and place initial reconstruction expanders. It will mean an extended hospital stay (3-4 days minimum). It will mean return Dr. appts every week for maintenance of incisions and drains that will be placed during surgery. It will mean being hooked to a fanny pack with IV pain meds for at least a week to better manage pain that will be a big concern. It will mean a secondary surgery to place the permanent implants. It will mean 6-8 week recovery period that will keep me pretty much close to home and the hospital. It will mean no trip to SLC for Mother’s Day weekend. It will mean probably not starting radiation treatments until Fall (that will still need to include the chest wall and the auxiliary node areas . It will mean not being put on medication until after radiation is almost or all the way complete. It will mean setting back all the big monster follow up tests until Fall or later.

Most of all it will mean that I will continue to miss all of the Preston’s and the kids events and activities and our precious Summer that we were so looking forward to. I think of everything, this has been one of the hardest parts of being sick. Missing concerts, and taking picts before dances, and Pinewood Derbies, and YW events, and school activities, and playtime, and so many other things. It will mean continuing to miss special time for just Preston and myself that isn’t spent at the hospital or doctor’s offices. It means more long hours for Preston to cover medical expenses, and trying to cover just every day needs, and trying to figure out how to cover unexpected expenses like vehicle repairs and appliances dying….It will mean still needing to rely on our ward family and friends to care for me and the kids so Preston can be at work as much as possible and so the kids can complete school requirements.

It also means reducing the likelihood of a recurrence to almost zero. It means not having to be self-conscious about my appearance when I’m out in public, or when I can get back to an activity I love: swimming. It means having some of my self-esteem maintained. It means connecting with other women going through or having gone through this same trial (I already met someone in the Dr. office today). It means only having two surgeries instead of three. It means compressing my total surgery and recovery time to be as short as possible.

I know that in the long term things WILL be ok. I will be here with Preston and the kids, things will be good again. But for right now and the months ahead, things STINK, big time. I am trying to get my brain to wrap around things, about the monster decision we made today, but it isn’t going there yet. I am just in the emotional stage of things still, and the calm rational stage hasn’t caught up yet. I know it will, just not there yet.

Please forgive me for just throwing this out there to everyone. Emotionally, just can’t handle lots of phone calls right now. So hard to type, and when talking all I do is cry. Hope everyone will understand. We should be able to post in the next day or two about surgery schedule. Will keep everyone posted as best as we can.

For now, here is some food for thought – for me as much as anyone…Alma 36:3, 27, 25 (slightly modified for my situation)

I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their ^atrust in God shall be supported in their ^btrials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be ^clifted up at the last day….

And I have been supported under trials and troubles of every kind, yea, and in all manner of afflictions; yea, God has ^adelivered me from prison (non-stop severe illness from chemo), and from bonds (being paralyzed after surgeries), and from death (the promise of a long and fruitful life); yea, and I do put my trust in him, and he will still ^bdeliver me.

Yea, and now behold… the Lord doth ^agive me exceedingly great joy in the fruit of my ^blabors (I am alive, I am still fighting, I am healing, I take nothing for granted)

Stay tuned….