Emotions In Writing

I know you are not supposed to write anything when you are emotional. This last week has been spent with me in a constant state of emotions - most of them overwhelming. After more very short nights, and more tears than I can count or control, I am going to write anyway.


This is fair warning to just delete this right here if you still even follow this. This is my journal and most likely is TMI. If you choose to read now, most likely you wont again after.


This last week has been a week of loss. Things and people that are very real and tangible. And I admit right off the cuff that I am not handling any of it at all. Our whole lesson in RS about faith instead of fear has gone right out the window....


I am experiencing great loss in being a mother. Being told that I am a bad mother, in not very nice ways, by multiple people over a short period of time is bringing me to my breaking point. I am beginning to belive them. They seem to have more than enough to say to prove their point. I am losing ground. I know that I am failing each of the kids in some way. I am failing in small ways like not having time to read to little people or have the energy to take them to the park. I am failing in big ways like having all of the wonderful birthday plans crumble apart, and not being able to communicate with the big kids at all these days. I am not able to be the mother they need or deserve...

Photography is another area where I have experienced loss. I am ready to concede that my work really isnt good enough to sustain a business. It has never been about excessive profit, but of asking enough to cover expenses most of the time. I truly felt that I had been given a gift to share, to serve. I have tried to give my all, but it isnt enough. I know that if I was not part of a local small business association, that I would not be doing "pro" photography at all. I will not be offering photography services anymore, unless specifically asked. By Summer, I will most likely not be part of the small business association either, and that will close the final door to this pursuit. Maybe I am foolish to think that photography is important in times like these. Maybe I just finally understand and accept that photography work is important and special, just not mine. I will just go back to being "a mom with a camera" and keeping it as a hobby. That is where I started, and I understand now that it is probably where it should have stayed...


I feel in a place where our whole family is losing ground as far as health concerns. Though we have amazing doctors, darling nurses and wonderful care, I am struggling with how much we are taking on right now. We have at least 1 appointment/day, and usually more. I am in the car by myself or with kiddos constantly, often spending hours in travel. I am so very grateful that most of our medical needs have been covered by insurance. Some needs will not be covered by insurance, and so we will continue to not be able to seek out that help until we can save enough. We most likely will need to let those pieces go. We are continuing to add new specialists and have new concerns emerge. We are seeking help and answers, but I have found it to be a long, slow process. It is also exhausting and painful at times. My arms are black and blue, and so sore. My energy levels, esp after long and emotional appts, are never enough to come home and fulfill my responsibilities for the kids or Preston. We continue to be in battle mode to secure Colton's IEP, even though we have a monster stack of reports from specialists. The big kids are struggling with school because we are in daily need of them caring for little people. Even though we have received new answers, there are still many unknowns of where to even start to pursue them. I found out today that Colton is going to be required to do an EKG before we can even begin to pursue looking at the possibility of ADHD meds, and that a behavioral specialist will be added to our plate with an unknown date of when he won't need one.


Because of me, and my insane ability to mis-communicate and make a huge mess of things, Ky's opportunity to attend preschool has been put in jeopardy. It has been a rough transition month, and I was asked to help make some suggestions to see if things might be able to run a little more smoothly. Instead of being helpful, I ended up doing great harm. I have not been able to stop crying now since Sunday afternoon, and even developed a migraine severe enough to have me throwing up in the bathroom during that night. When I think about the whole thing, and all the words that have been said, and the words not said but implied, I start all over again. He loves school, and his teacher so much, but my failure may not allow him to return.


Over the last year, and esp the last few months, I have watched and felt our social circles crumble. This loss has left me, and the girls, feeling very alone. I think as I look back, it has been lots of little things along the way. Far away friends not including us, or making time for us to visit, or even hearing from them this year. Close by friends replacing us, and forgetting about us completely because we are no longer in regular school, or music, or extra activities where they are. We have extended invitations, and made requests for help, and fun, many times, but we have been forgotten, or they have not been accepted, or most of the time even acknowledged. Because of these things, it has brought us to the point of not asking for help, or playtime, or dates, etc. Being rejected or ignored enough times sends a very clear message. It also leaves us knowing that we are very alone, and not able to ask for help, even at times when we are in the most need of it.

I feel at a loss as a teacher. I have been given a class where I am blending old students with new students. Teaching both sets of kiddos present wonderful opportunities, and heartbreaking challenges. I have students that choose to not attend my class, but attend the other 2 hrs around it. In investigating this, I have run into roadblocks and no help from parents. I have a new student that I have already scared away because of one little thing that happened the first day of class. I was not even aware of the concern until I received a call from the student's mother. Even after chatting with her, and feeling like things were ok, this student still has not returned. I have one student that I know nothing about, who does not attend at all. No one seems to be able to help me find the information that would be helpful to seek out this student. I have another student that is struggling, and I just dont know how to reach out at all.
Some weeks I feel like things go ok. Others, like last week, even with studying and trying, I felt like the lesson didnt go anywhere it needed to. I am not sure the kids left with anything helpful. I often struggle with my calling. I know that I have it still because I am supposed to be the student. This is another attempt to help me learn things that I should already know, but have failed to do. When I am the student, how can I also be the teacher? I cannot teach my class, or my own children, things that I do not know myself. This has been esp difficult when it has centered around gospel principles. Even being a member all these years, I often feel I am no better, and have no more knowledge than I did then - except to understand that I SHOULD know it, and to prove continuously how much I am failing to teach them because I dont know or belive that gospel principles apply to me. How can I teach what I do not have a testimony of? It also continues to prove how dire the consequences will be for not knowing and not teaching enough. It is a constant struggle, and I am at a great loss, always wondering if I am doing what is expected by others and esp by Heavenly Father.

I try to give all that I have, but again I have been brought to the point that no matter what I do or say, it is never, and will never be enough. I know many would say, it doesnt have to be. But also knowing that there is nothing to fill in for my inabilities and losses, it just makes things so much harder. Things that I don't understand, and strongly feel that apply to everyone else BUT me. I thought for awhile the fortress walls were coming down, forward progress was being made. This week the walls have gone back up, and progress has been severely reversed. I am not sure about anything anymore, except that I am failing, and not handling loss or finding balance at all.