Seems my emotions are on a roller coaster today. This morning was pure joy and also tears of sadness and discouragement.
I just have not been able to shake the fact that, even knowing our cirumstances are so different from everyone around us (friends and family), we are missing building those important ties and I am failing as a mother.
The kids have really struggled recently with life in general. Part of that has been our 2 week battle with illness. Some of the kids got really sick, others a little bit, but it has been enough to knock them out of the norm. The other part has a great deal to do with how much I have been, and will be away from home because of all the medical stuff for me and Colton.
When I am away, the kids battle tooth and nail, and homework gets further behind. I keep thinking at times that if they were in school, getting help and homework completed, that we would still be seeking help for little ones. That help hasnt been, and isnt available, so I am not sure that having the kids in "regular" school would really change anything.
I know that I feel and see the girls breaking under the stress of school work and having to be responsible for little people. I feel guilty putting so much pressure and responsibility on them. I am way beyond being able to meet all the needs that are required of me, for the kids, or house, or school, or anything. I feel the huge pressure and stress that no one around us understands where we are, esp the kids' and our friends. I almost feel like we just dont belong anymore, anywhere. That our season of life that continues to be filled with extra responsibilities and struggles has isolated us so far away from social circles that it wont ever be re-gained.
I know I am not supposed to compare us to anyone else. It is hard at times, esp when the girls and I get so lonesome and it seems the only inviting that is done is on our side, and often those invitations are not accepted or reciprocated. I often feel that so much struggle and difficulties have happened in the past, that others can't see past them to who I am, to who we are now...
Preston & I tried to do some chatting this morning, but it didnt seem to stop the tears from flowing then, and still now, even though most of the day is over. I feel the wave of all the stuff that hasnt been accomplished, and the day is 3/4 gone. Life continues to come and go, and yet I feel like very little, if anything is done in our forward progression - mostly because I am not healthy enough, not able to fulfill all of the "shoulds", not living up to or fulfilling all of the expectations of those around us.
Just feeling unsure about alot of things.
1 comment:
I hear ya, Rory. Saturday, while finally in the shower at 3:45pm I was overcome with Satan taunting me with, "Nanner-nanner-nanner...you haven't finished anything you set out to do today! You are a failure!!! You have a million things to do in order to be a"good mother" and you failed miserably today and the list is getting longer!!!" ( I literally heard those words in my mind.) So, what did I do? Loudly told Satan to take a hike and then rebuked/rebuttled (sp?...) him on every point he had "bashed" me on...I played the Pollyanna game and then Sang a hymn REAALLLY loud. "Master the Tempest is raging" was on the list.
Upon finishing my shower, I had regained a resolve to do the best I can with what I have at the time... and contiue to listen to the voice of the Lord as I listen with my heart.
I don't write this to tell you how t deal with your life, just that I have been through the yucks and feelings of inadequacies...yet the Lord is the way to go.
Warmest hug~
Jo
Post a Comment