ONE OF THOSE DAYS

Personal journal entry - feel free to read or not...

Ever have "one of those days" that starts and doesnt seem to end. We are having one of those today
1) bad night for me for sleeping
2) Ky AND Kels both woke about 230AM in complete screaming hysterics. Had to move Caiden to the playroom so he could go back to sleep. Ended up being up with Kels for several hours while listening to Ky scream his head off. Surprised the girls slept through it all
3) When I went upstairs last night I found almost every light ON - bedrooms, bathrooms, hallway, playroom, etc. I was blown away by the number of lights still left on - or turned back on. We have talked with the kids about leaving lights on everywhere. Preston even spent extra $ and time putting in timer lights so they would go off after kids were asleep - problem is they leave the lights on in the "on" position, plus leaving on everything else. I just cant figure out what to do about kids/lights - having everything on is not ok. Any help or suggestions would be welcomed
4) Colton has picked up stomach flu and is home sick today with fever,listless, etc. The other kids were sick 1-3 days, so I guess we will just guage things by his behavior/fever before I can send him back to school
5) Ky went off on another screaming rampage again this morning and ended up back in his room for more than an hour before he finally calmed down enough for me to let him out.
6) Having dilema with getting more chicks/keeping current chicks. Didnt get turn out expected from offering Spring Portraits - but it was my bad for only being able to do it during Spring break....do I risk time/$/advertising again and come up empty? I would love to keep the chickens, but we are not zoned for them, without somewhere for them to go it really isnt ideal to get any more not knowing what we would do with them when we are done.
7) Chick bucket was extra tricky to clean out this morning
8) Seems there are 10 million piles of laundry to do - and not enough time/energy to do them in
9) Dogs are also throwing up today. They seem to think it is a good idea to chew/eat the hog fuel in the yard...you would think they would figure things out when they get sick...but they dont....one more pile of laundry to do....
10) May have to replace CH2M printer. I bought some customer delivery envelopes for prints, but got them slightly too big for our printer. Preston was willing to take them to work to try printing the labels there. Too bad neither of us knew they have been made with some kind of plastic instead of paper - and one of them melted inside the printer. We are waiting to hear what will happen next. Guess I will know where any PMR $ will be going if we end up having to pay for repairs/replacement....
11) Seems I am in a constant agitated state. I am jumpy, nervous, near tears and snap at everyone. Communication at home has completely broken down with everyone and it seems that my inability to get myself under control is spreading to everyone else. I am a worthless, useless, fat ugly hag that has my family/husband running scared and doing everything they can to avoid me. I know it has been a horrible winter for me and things have spun so out of control that I am not sure that even with the coming sunshine and warmer weather that it is going to help at all....
12) PMR shoots have been a struggle. It seems there is either something wrong with me - or possibly my camera - as I have not been able to get the clean, clear shots I have needed and hoped for. One shoot went esp bad and I am seriously looking at having to refund my fee and apologizing to the client for not getting picts. The other shoot was for our dear friends and though I thought things went well, picts are not as good as I hoped. I am concerned that both may not give the # of shots I like to give to clients or the quality that I am striving so hard to achieve....not sure where I will find those answers
13) Spiritual stuff is a struggle if not completely non-existent. Every lesson I hear, every talk, every everything just seems to confirm that I have failed and continue to fail and that I will never acheive the "ideals" and that the whole I am in is so big it could swallow the whole universe now. Relationships that have been lost/ruined in the past will never be resolved or fixed because of people who knew me in my "past" and the "now" me will never make up for what has been done. I still find myself messing up big time and failing at everything I put my hand to which only re-affirms to others that I am still that "past" person. It never lets go and is always there to haunt my days and nights. Forever for me is a non-existent black nothingness - I dont even dare hope anymore that I will someday be able to learn to paint the sky with sunsets or clouds, or learn how to create the delicate petal of a flower, or sit and have a snuggly conversation with an animal that is now wild or dangerous (tigers, whales, polar bears, etc) - all things that will be rewards for those choice,worthy souls who have been valiant and faithful....I know that has never been/will never be me.
14) Sugar is my enemy - I was doing so well until Christmas and all the extra stresses/struggles started. It seems it is all I crave, all that keeps me going when schedules are non-stop and I have time to eat a cookie on the fly because I havent found time to eat. I keep resolving to just not eat anymore, but then a day like today hits and I find myself curled back in bed, with cookies in hand and tears still running down my face and my head and body feeling like it will explode any minute.
I cant explain things enough for anyone else to understand where my brain and body are these days - these very long days that I trudge through alone because there is no one else to understand or even listen to me. It is very lonely and I seem to fall deeper into the hole or put up one more wall against everything and everyone and just kind of go through the motions of each day. Never really feeling, never able to reach out to anyone or to accomplish anything without messing things up or making them worse by trying/or not trying. No one will ever understand, and that makes it even harder to struggle through things on my own. Just one of those days that just keeps going....

FRIENDS & FUN!

Yesterday we got the opportunity to visit our wonderful friends out at the coast. The weather was so amazingly beautiful and made our time at the beach even more awesome. The big kids have not seen each other for a very long time and some of the younger kiddos have never met before yesterday. They all got along SO well and they enjoyed each other a ton.

We adults also enjoyed our time together too. Q made the yummiest dinner and we chipped in with homemade bread and cookies - all of which was pretty much gone by the end of the night:) It was great for J and I to just get time to sit and visit too. We just hung out on the couch and talked and talked. Not something we get to do so often, so it really was so nice!

Thanx so much you guys for the invite and all the special stuff we did while we were together! It was tons of fun and we look forward to doing something together again soon!

Here are some fun picts from our outing. They are going to be in reverse order as it seems the blogging thing is always backwards - one of these days I will figure it out the right way...

I will post more picts under my Fine Art category on the photo blog very soon too!

The kids were all such troopers. None of them wanted to go, they were just having so much fun together. They were great though and helped gather up and carry all the gear back to the cars. It was also so fun to be in the very back and watch the kids help and encourage each other as we all tromped our way back to the cars. B was esp cute with Ky and held his hand almost the whole way back - it was so sweet to watch the 2 of them.

This little cutie kept making so many faces at me that I just had to keep the camera out. I got more picts of her in just one day than I have in all the photo sessions I have tried for at home. This one is definately going in my portfolio!
I just loved all the colorful outfits the boys were wearing. I thought it was very striking against all the earthy tones around them. It also just shows all the boys kind of doing their own thing as we were getting ready to go. Cute boys!

The seals were so cute and it was great fun to just watch them sunning themselves and flop across the beach. They all had their own personalities and cute faces.
Z took most of the kids over the see the seals up close before we left. They didnt seem to mind and just watched the kids as they inched a little closer. The kids thought it was really cool to be so close to them and be able to see each one up close

The one little one in the front kept looking up at the kids as they slowly inched forward, then he would lay back down and rest, and then he would pop up and watch the kids. It really was pretty funny watching him watching the kids.

The boys took turns throwing the kite up in the air trying to catch the last of the wind. I happened to catch B in the air too

Ky found a great little walking stick
The kids had so much fun chasing all the seagulls. They would just land in a big flock and hang out, the kids would chase them and then the birds would come back and just re-settle. They are probably used to all the chaos. It was fun for the kids.

G&A playing - all the kids, no matter how old they are, had a blast playing at the beach, and esp enjoyed that they had each other to do so much more
C & B had a total blast with the kite and played with it until the wind finally died down so much they couldnt even get it back in the air.

It was amazing to see how tall G has gotten - he is just growing up so fast

J&Z have a dog that is the cutest thing. She was all hyper out on the beach and the kids just encouraged her. I was taking picts and looked over and saw that M was digging in the sand and throwing it everywhere and then all of a sudden B bent over and started doing the same thing with her. It was pretty hilarious to watch
Kels wasnt too sure about being left in her carrier and reached out to me when she saw I was taking her pict. She was pretty content there most of the time though just watching all the other kids - she was safe and clean! Something the big girls didnt accomplish (the clean part) :)

C & K playing in the sand

C&D playing in the sand at the "Spit"
This is T - he is same age as Ky. He was pretty cute running around in those cute shoes and his hat on sideways

Kels got her first ride in a real swing - Ceana got her laughing pretty good but by the time we were ready to go Kels was a little "green around the gills" and it was prob good we were done :)

Colton had a great time in the sandbox
The big girls wanted to play on the tire swing - trouble was the swing was small and the girls were big. It was funny watching them try to squeeze onto it anyway and watching them laugh as they tried to swing

ANCOC Day 11

Turned in stuff we had checked out, then had graduation. Mr. and Mrs. Sir were both able to attend. :+)

ANCOC Day 10

I just realized I skipped a day in my numbering ... Sunday was a non-training day so it didn't warrant a write-up.

This morning was the APFT re-test. Maybe I should have re-taken it for score (more on that later). I showed up to help anyone that was on the bubble with the run. When I was at PLDC, someone ran the last hundred yards or so with me and helped me barely pass. I'm looking for chances to do the same for someone else. I think we had about 20 people show up, even though only SIX were required to be there. Pretty cool to see that much support. Unfortunately at least one (maybe two) still didn't pass, so I guess they won't get their graduation paperwork. I did end up running with a guy who definitely would NOT have made it without me and another Soldier running with him the whole way. So that was good for him and for me.

I joined the group who was encouraging one of the walkers, and who happened to be part of our horn quartet group. Fortunately one of the other permanent-profile walkers had been helping from the beginning of the test, giving some tips on form and momentum and varying step size. All I could do was offer to give her my apple juice after the test, which seemed to help her too. Thankfully she shaved five minutes off her time from the week before, and passed just fine.

I ended up with about 10 minutes to shower and change before opening formation, the second-to-last of the course. Hard to believe we're really almost done. The morning was spent "dinking around on the internet" (those were the actual instructions from our group leader) while the instructors went through end-of-course paperwork, counselings, etc. There was a survey online, lots of email being checked, and some general boredom. First chance I get I'll pick up a book to read since it sounds like the rest of the day will be the same (it's only 10am and I'm just about bored out of my mind).

End-of-course counseling was fine. My academic score was above 97%, which would have put me in line to be the Honor Graduate. Unfortunately another requirement for that award is scoring 80 points in each of the three physical fitness test events. I only scored above 80 in one event, and so made myself ineligible. It's not like that would have been a bonus in my check or anything ...

The ANCOC and BNCOC classes combined to practice that way-too-long "Creed of the Noncommissioned Officer" that we are supposed to recite from memory tomorrow. After that we had a discussion with CSM Camarda and MAJ Keene about all sorts of topics. Hopefully they will be able to use some of the ideas that were bantied as they continue to develop future courses, especially for the Reserves / National Guard.

Following lunch we had our graduation rehearsal, where we also found out the honor graduates. There was much grousing as our "top student" was announced. It was the guy who 1) never participated in the practice bands, but instead was off to the side practicing his conducting, and 2) missed most of the entire second week due to feeling sick. He did manage to show up on time for all the evaluations, so he was able to get those important scores. The rest of us didn't score well enough on the APFT, which I'm guessing is the reason he was ultimately selected: by default.

We're waiting for the final Soldier counseling, and the we're off to the Cheesecake Factory as a group. Should be a fun evening.